A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have known my boyfriend nearly 3 years now and most of the time its ok but every now and then we have terrible rows and I sometimes see his face changes and his body language as if he is pretty tempted to hit me. He has shoved me and once gripped my shoulder way too tight in an argument and he is a very strong guy. We were talking the other day on the phone and I said I didn't like the way our arguments got and I thought he could be violent and he said "You make me violent". He kind of snapped out this statement and I was made to feel it was my fault. I am fiery and will argue by shouting but to think that he really feels that I make him violent (as if nobody else does or ever has) has worried me. Are we doomed do you think? He works with mentally ill people in a secure building and so sometimes is under a lot of strain to be calm when someone is lashing out. I try to consider this but I'm still worried. He claims he is not a violent person and unfortunately I don't know anyone he has been out with before to ask in confidence. Generally he is very well liked and makes male friends easily. I sometimes find him pushy and domineering in conversations and I end up keeping quiet. I've told him this and he acknowledges it and says he will try not to be but he still is slightly controlling - almost telling me what I am thinking sometimes. Any advice from anyone as I'm finding it hard to know where to take this relationship and I think its reached crunch point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): Hi! I just ended a very abusive relationship:(..I'm mad at myself because I still feel I love him and feel as if he still has a lot of control over me- he calls me and wants me back, if I ignore him he either begs, or he becomes very rude and send violent texts..I still don't feel peaceful or safe. We were together for two years. The first year was just awesome, unbelievably beautiful.He was my first true love. Then, on one occasion, we had a huge fight and I slapped him. He slapped back, but it was so fierce that I fell to the ground. Later we both felt ashamed and apologized. However, almost six months after that we again had a huge fight and he kicked me in the ribs with his foot. I had a huge bruise. I was completely shocked. I felt ashamed, and of course, he apologized, he'd never do it again, but he made me feel as if I provoked him, as if I deserved it. he also abused me emotionally. I'm cool and very succesful, have lots of friends, and he felt inferior, so he bullied me to feel better. Now, when I look back, I again feel ashamed of not being able to leave him then:( trust me, it gets worse. In the following months he used to hit me every time I'd make him mad, and I almost felt that I deserved it, he was very manipulative. Still didn't leave him. This summer it got bad, we had a bad phase..and during one fight in a car, he hit me on the face and broke my nose. I ended up in a hospital. After that he kept apologizing, saying he'd kill himself, he loves me, etc. I changed number, but he kept calling at the house. After a month, I answered the phone. Big mistake.. I realized he'd never change, he was first very sweet on the phone and when I refused to see him, he bacame rude and violent, and kept saying I make him mad and violent, it was my fault. He even made an excuse that he broke my nose because I made him lose his temper. I'm still shocked. I don't know who he is. Sure not the sweetest guy from the beginning of our relationship.Leave the guy. Don't be naive as me, but recognize the first sign. Run away. A real man will NEVER grab or hit you.
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (6 July 2008):
 The point I wanted to make is that you can't make your boyfriend angry or violent...He has to have that inside him somewhere...Sounds like he needs help...
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (6 July 2008):
It's funny you said about his face changing...I was in a relationship for 3 months which ended when he threw me against a wall - I have never been in a relationship like that before and it actually ended up in court (long story but he was charged with ABH against me, and criminal damage!). But that night, I saw his face change, his eyes filled with hate. He blamed me - said I made him crazy just like his ex girfriend did. Afterwards he was filled with remorse, so sorry, said it would never happen again...When I wouldn't take him back he kicked in every panel on my car. Up until then he had been the sweetest, most gentle guy...Bizaare!
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A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 You MAKE him violent?
Sorry, thats still no reason for him to ever lay a hand on you - all the females in my family have fiery tempers; we yell, we scream and we're easily provoked into a fight.
But if a man ever hit us and tried make it seem like it was *our*fault - he would lose his arm.
I wouldn't suggest staying with this man, he sounds dangerous. And physical abuse always starts somewhere - gripping your shoulder too tight, shoving you against a wall...Next thing you know, you're in a hospital while he's crying and begging you for forgiveness.
Your fiery attitude is NOT enough reason for him to snap at you so. He should have the patience of a saint if he has to work with the mentally ill all day, not be ready to take it out on you because he's had to control his temper!
This is an unhealthy relationship and you need to leave him before it's too late.
take care!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): YOu have recieved some excellent advice from the previous postings;
You really need to end this relationship before you get hurt physically;
this guy needs professional help regarding his temper and ANGER management;
Yeah, it will hurt, but the longer you leave it, the more risky it gets and it will never be easy;
BE STRONG; Get out and MOVE ON;
I suggest you break all contact with him; do not try and hang around as a friend;
Good lUCK!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): leave him. if he is domineering, you will not have a happy life. a lot of times women in violent relationships do provoke the violence, but it doesn't seem to be the case in this one. Do you feel like you do? Have you been in other violent relationships? If yes, perhaps get counseling together but it doesn't sound like you do. I would get out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Sorry that was the wrong link. Your guy is dangerous, read this post and see if he fits the signs... http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): This temper thing has got to stop. You both need to get some help to control things. I'm frightened that one day you will end up in a fight and you will suffer the worst.
I'm frightened one day your boyfriend will kill you because his temper got out of hand. http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anger_management.php
Scratch the above advice..... He's feels violent, he's controlling, pushy, and dominering and you feel you have to be quiet around him. He tells you what to think, now this kind of thing just aint right. This relationship does not sound fun, it dosen't even sound that healthy to be honest. I think your boyfriend is dangerous, I think you better leave him and run away as fast as possible.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
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A
female
reader, tumble  +, writes (6 July 2008):
I agree with Lexilou completely. Ive been around abusive relationships before and they start of exactly how you explained. If he isnt ashamed of how he treats you then something is wrong. What are his limitations and do you really want to be around when it gets to that point.I think you know what to do. Its hard to break a relationship but there will be someone else out there that will make you really happy and secure.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (6 July 2008):
 If you two have a volatile relationship it will most likely escalate until he hits you properly. My ex was the same, controlling and a bit of a push and a bruised shoulder or arm here and there. It then progressed to a slapped face and got worse over the years until he finally put me in hospital. He told me it was my fault too as I am fiery and he said I pushed him too it.
Im just as fiery with my husband of five years and he has NEVER so much as raised a finger or touched me during an argument of even made me flinch.
So you could argue that two fiery people is a bad combination but at the end of the day he is repsonsible for his actions whther you are fiery or not if he cant control it then it is his problem not yours. I think you know what you have to do. I wish you luck x
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