A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am after some opinions please as to whether I am over analysing things and being silly or if I am right to feel upset and rejected.I am new to this site and so am expecting there may be some readers who will judge me pretty harshly but that's ok, maybe I deserve it. I'm not sure, that's the whole point. So, long story short:My boyfriend and I (both of mature age) have been together for over five years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he does too.We don't officially live together but live between our two homes in different parts of the countryVery recently and devastatingly my boyfriends younger brother age just 45 very suddenly died at his home 3 hours from where we live. My boyfriend and his daughter drove the three hours to be with the family and it turns out my boyfriends ex wife was also there to comfort them and grieve. We are all completely broken hearted and in fact we only saw his younger brother out for his Mum's family dinner a couple of weeks ago. His 34 year old daughter is married but has never really been over friendly with me. Apparently this is not because she dislikes me, but because she can't accept anyone being with her father apart from her mother.Now, I understood that the ex wife wants to be there as she knew him for a long time when my BF was married to her, and I understand that she continued to see him very occasionally as they live in the same town.Apparently my boyfriend and his family and his ex wife all sat around for hours telling stories and comforting each other. He told me not to come down and that his priority was to be there for his Mum and Dad. A few days later he went back home and he asked my daughter and I to come to him a couple of hours drive away. Of course we immediately made the journey as I could not wait to hold my crushed and grieving BF and for the three of us to be there for each other.All my boyfriend has ever said about his ex wife are negative things and he has told me on many occasions that his family always said that she used him for his money. Whilst my teenage daughter went to her bedroom shortly after we arrived, he sat me down telling me the stories of when his brother was young, how his ex had known him since a little boy too, and then said that whilst he was with his Mum and Dad, she had comforted him. He then went onto say that she had known his brother for a lot longer than I and as she was going with him in the cars, he didn't want me at the funeral as it wasn't a time for introductions. I sank. I felt so hurt to add to the upsetting news. Broken hearted. Sick, Angry. I told him that he must find the comfort and support from those that he has chosen to reach out to as my daughter and I would not be used. As we gathered out belongings to walk away, he then asked me if I would have a quick read through the eulogy that he had written before I left. I asked him to run it by his ex and left. It was his brothers birthday just a week ago and I did send a message of comfort to him and to let him know that we were thinking of them all. He then sent me two lengthy texts to say that he was sorry about the rubbish that he brings me, and that he will move to be closer to his Mum and Dad now to support them and that one day he would like the chance to meet with me to talk. Telling me that he loves me but..... I haven't responded nor have I heard from him since. I sent a card to his Mum and Dad telling them how sorry I was for their devastating loss of their little boy and that we would always be there for them. Every day I cannot get the death of my BF's brother out of my mind and try to imagine how they all must be feeling. At the same time I feel as though I am grieving the loss of my BF trying to evaluate the last 5 plus years with him. Any words of help would be gratefully appreciated as I am currently completely broken hearted on so many levels.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 I agree with WiseOwlE's statement:
"Then when someone leaves you out of everything important to them, that should send the message it's time to leave them."
This leaving you out of the funeral was NOT a one-off or something done because he was just so devastated. It is a pattern of YOU not REALLY being part of his family. The ex-wife, however, seems to have that privilege and they are no longer married... What does that tell you?
It tells you that this will likely NEVER change.
He AND his family keep using "avoiding drama" as an excuse but if you have never started any drama why would it even be an issue?
I'd say pack up his crap (if he has stuff at your place) - ask him to pack up YOURS - exchange crap and BLOCK him. It's time to let him go and move on.
NO need to have a talk with him. HIS actions have told you what's really up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): The fact that he's told you 'that he will move to be closer to his Mum and Dad now to support them and that one day he would like the chance to meet with me to talk'
seems to imply that he's not just excluding you from the funeral, but that he's also making long term plans without you for his future which don't have you in them at all.
Has he left you believing that you're no longer a couple? These words certainly seem to suggest that, but they may be out of context.
Will his moving closer to his parents also take him closer to his ex?
It's possible that his grieving is making him run to the past which he shared with his brother as well as with his ex. But there is no place for you in this past.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 I am sorry to hear of what you and your bf have had to go through, but i must be totally honest here.
It's been over 5 years, 5 years, that you've been with your bf.
I mean, seriously, how many more years does he require in order to include you in major family affairs?
If you'd been together for only 6 mths, even 1 year, i'd say, well, he was married before and he and she did have a child together and you don't know the brother who died very well, so that may be passable/acceptable.
In this instance, it really doesn't appear acceptable, because you are a major part of his life and have been for many years now and just when you both need each other most, what does he choose to do?
He EXCLUDES you from this family affair, because his EX WIFE was present.
Something doesn't make sense at all and it really does sound as though you're at the lower ranking on his list of high priorities.
I go against what most other readers have stated, NO, OF COURSE IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, HOWEVER, THESE ARE THE MOMENTS AND TIMES WHEN WE FIND OUT HOW IMPORTANT WE ARE TO THE ONE WE LOVE, THE ONES WE'RE CLOSEST TO AND DEDICATE OUR TIME TO BE WITH.
Very sadly, your bf's brother died so suddenly and your bf, although obviously dealing with his own emotions, should have also made you feel included/important within such an important family matter.
Most people i've dated in the past, had always included me (within one or two years at the most) in all their family events and yes, this did include all family funerals.
I can only recall one ex bf, who's Mother, i felt didn't like me very much and didn't want me to attend a relative's funeral with them, so i respected her wishes and i stayed home whilst they all went out.
We'd only been together a short while at that time anyway.
It's good to hear that you've broken up completely with your bf, because if his actions/decisions weren't bringing you total happiness and you carried unnecessary worry so you're better off alone.
I feel exactly as you do, regarding this situation.
The fact that your bf didn't come back to you, after you walked out of his home speaks volumes.
To be really frank with you, i think the reason he didn't invite you to his brother's funeral was because he "chose not to" and because "his family didn't want you there".
There is definitely a bigger issue here, as in your latter posts to us, you wrote that you weren't even invited to his Mum's 80th birthday, YET another brother's gf of only 6 mths was!!
Have you ever questioned,
Do they actually like me and accept me?
Is there a lot of preferential treatment going on here?
Why would they invite a gf of 6 mths to a family party, yet not me?
You've made a great decision and you will eventually find a guy who'll treat you with a lot more respect and be much more inclusive.
To all those who suggested that he is grieving and isn't really thinking straight or that it's an event strictly kept for immediate family and blood relatives, this doesn't appear to be the true case.
This family knew what they were doing and they simply "chose" for you to not be a part of their circle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): You've been together for FIVE years.
You're a part of his life.
Unless you are a drama queen, you should attends family gatherings.
Why haven't you met his ex-wife yet? Is she a problem? Personally, not being invited for both the wedding and a funeral after 5 years with my bf would make me think about our relationship. Do we see it in the same way?
Of course, I would talk to him and see WHY he chose not to invite me.
Going to funerals is no fun, but it's a sign that you belong somewhere, that you care for some people. You going to the funeral is not just about his brother, but mostly about offering support to him and his family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): Then when someone leaves you out of everything important to them, that should send the message it's time to leave them.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 November 2017):
 I'm sorry, OP, but you're wasting your time. The ex is going nowhere and you aren't considered a part of the family, not even to your boyfriend. Is this the relationship you want for the rest of your life? I think you should leave him permanently and find a person who wants to involve you in their family life, not exclude you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for taking the time for me to think things through and see things a little clearer.
This is not the first time that I have been excluded from an event. Two years ago his Mum had her 80th Birthday dinner. She is still very close friends with my boyfriend's ex's Mum. Her three sons were going. Two with their partners. One partner of just 6 months. She told me that she was sorry that she couldn't invite me because the ex's Mum was attending and it was too awkward.
Also his daughter got married. A HUGE wedding! I was not invited however this I understood.
His lovely brother's funeral will apparently have an attendance of more than 200 people. There is an invite on his Facebook page saying that all that knew and loved him are welcome to attend. Apparently not.
There are points in all of your responses that I agree with.
He knew that this would have a negative impact on our relationship however I have been dropped and picked back up so many times and I guess that he will be thinking that I will get over it and so it goes on.
It is hard to keep my silence and distance as I cannot stop thinking about him grieving, His Mum and Dad hurting so badly but me not being able to do anything about it because I am just not good enough for the family circle. Yes he and the ex share a child which makes the bond stronger. I can't fix that and so it will be a case of either to continue accepting this rejection on this basis, or walk. I chose the latter but my goodness I am completely heart broken. I lost my own Mum and Dad many years ago at young ages. All I wanted was for my daughter and I to live a beautiful life with this beautiful family.
Thank you everyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for taking the time for me to think things through and see things a little clearer.
This is not the first time that I have been excluded from an event. Two years ago his Mum had her 80th Birthday dinner. She is still very close friends with my boyfriend's ex's Mum. Her three sons were going. Two with their partners. One partner of just 6 months. She told me that she was sorry that she couldn't invite me because the ex's Mum was attending and it was too awkward.
Also his daughter got married. A HUGE wedding! I was not invited however this I understood.
His lovely brother's funeral will apparently have an attendance of more than 200 people. There is an invite on his Facebook page saying that all that knew and loved him are welcome to attend. Apparently not.
There are points in all of your responses that I agree with.
He knew that this would have a negative impact on our relationship however I have been dropped and picked back up so many times and I guess that he will be thinking that I will get over it and so it goes on.
It is hard to keep my silence and distance as I cannot stop thinking about him grieving, His Mum and Dad hurting so badly but me not being able to do anything about it because I am just not good enough for the family circle. Yes he and the ex share a child which makes the bond stronger. I can't fix that and so it will be a case of either to continue accepting this rejection on this basis, or walk. I chose the latter but my goodness I am completely heart broken. I lost my own Mum and Dad many years ago at young ages. All I wanted was for my daughter and I to live a beautiful life with this beautiful family.
Thank you everyone.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 November 2017):
 I am sorry you are hurting on so many levels, not being able to attend the funeral after being a partner for five years, and, if you have been attending birthdays and other celebrations, part of a family.
He offered you the eulogy to read in a crappy attempt to make you feel included and part of it, it was nothing but a sop to make him feel better .... I am glad you told him to get his ex to read it for him.
As for him saying one day he would like the chance to meet and talk .... phht. The time for talking was in the first few years of the relationship, he has clearly indicated where you fall on his list of priorities and his saying one day he would like to talk, yeah yeah, if he really wanted to talk he would be making it happen now.
Block him, grieve his brother, grieve the lost relationship, find a friend you can cry too if you have one, get him out of your system and then get on with living your life.
Sending love and light across the waters to you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): People don't make sense or reason during their bereavement. You go along with their wishes, and you can't take it to heart; because a loss of that magnitude can sometimes make you do and say things you really don't mean. Either as the bereaved, or someone trying to express their respects; might inadvertently hurt feelings.
Offering comments like "they're in a better place", "they're looking down from heaven;" showering too much comfort with pretty-words, or annoying pats on the back. Bereaving people just need time and some space. Until they snap out of it.
In most cases, they voluntarily seek comfort when they most need it. It best to let them choose the person or people.
They will come to you for your comfort once they get over the shock and anger.
You cannot personalize or compare things; because you don't know what you'd say or do, until you're in their shoes. It's when you're going through it, that you'd realize. Decorum and protocol are the farthest things from your mind when a loved-one has passed. I've been there far too many times.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 November 2017):
 Yeah, I'd say that you are correct in how you're feeling. I would understand his actions had you been in his life for less than a year, but a 5-year relationship should be permanent enough for you to be the primary partner in his life, and the fact that he told you not to be there, and even more importantly that his EX is still THAT most prominently in his life gives me the suspicion that his relationship with you smacks of a "double life", which is easy when it's long-distance.
His family tragedy revealed his allegiances, which go far beyond family baggage. Funerals also DO bring people together, including new relationships, as do weddings. It would have been VERY appropriate for him to have you there, and to introduce you. To not have done so makes it feel like you're the mistress in an affair he's having.
Who the hell CARES if the ex knew him longer?? If that meant something, they would still be married! He's also not accounting for YOU in his decision-making, which is the most telling of all.
Unfortunately, unless he gets his head out of his ass, I think you should save yourself any more hurt and end it with the guy. Saying "I love you" is cheap. His proof is in his actions, and he's not ACTING like he loves you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): You've already done what was appropriate. You offered your condolences to the parents; and you can follow-up with flowers or a card. That showed your kind and most sincere acknowledgements.
Speaking personally, as someone who has lost a sibling within the last 3 years; I had just started seeing my boyfriend. So he did not actually attend the funeral. I flew home alone. It was a very quiet and private affair. Only blood-relatives, their spouses, with their older-children. They did not bring small kids.
There were no co-workers, boyfriends, or girlfriends in attendance at the funeral services. I knew everyone there. All the non-relatives made their appearance and paid their respects at the wake. Many paid visits in weeks to follow.
Funerals are not the same as parties or family-celebrations. They are sad and very somber occasions; where drama isn't welcome. The family has the right to restrict funeral attendance; as many and most do. Some like a big event, and need a big turnout. I for one, am not one of those people. I like a more respectful, low-key, and humble event.
Who wants to go to a funeral if they don't have to?
If his ex-wife attends, it's because of a long family-connection and history. She and your boyfriend share a daughter; who happens to be the niece of the deceased. Regardless of whatever reasons; he didn't feel you should come. That's enough. I wouldn't have thought anything more of it, and would have respected his wishes. You hardly know his brother.
Don't try to build yourself a case and profess deep feelings for someone who really wasn't that close to you. I'm not buying it. It's about his ex-wife. Period.
There is a lot of emotion and grief going on. You can share your boyfriend's grief and loss when he gets back. He will not purge it all at the funeral. He still has a period of bereavement to experience. That's where your comfort and support is more needed.
I think you should have more compassion for the family and their loss; instead of making this about you.
I do offer my own condolences for his loss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): The situation this poster is in, and the responses given, may help you too:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-excluded-by-boyfriends-decision-to-visit.html
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 November 2017):
I absolutely get why you feel he left you out of his life for a really odd reason.
While I agree (with him) that the LAST thing people want at a funeral is drama. But why would he presume YOU would create drama? Or going to the funeral with you would? You two have been dating for 5 YEARS - his family knows you, have met you, his grown "child" has met you... Everyone BUT the ex-wife?
And I ABSOLUTELY understand that grief and loss makes people not think very logically or rationally. However, he CHOSE to let HER be a big part of his grieving process and not you. That to me, is rather telling. Because when it comes down to it, IT DOESN'T MATTER that she has known him longer than you. You could BOTH have been there. He made that choice. For his own sake or for hers, it's impossible to know.
He might not even know. He might have been grieving too hard to be considerate of you.
He has also made plans to move closer to his parents which means further away from you. So that, I would take as closure in a sense.
If you want to hear him out, do so. If you don't - that is OK too.
I don't think he made a good choice here. But I can also see how being devastated by the loss of his brother might have contributed to it. I just don't see how the relationship can continue if you are not a big enough part of his life to be there for him and his family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): I think you should not be left out.You were grieving also...that being said I think you should consider maybe being right in this does not really matter.People grieve in different ways..maybe your boyfriend did not want you to see him break down..it is a man thing he wants to be strong in front of you.Talk to him really talk.He needs to know your feelings.Once you have that long talk you will know where you stand in his life.But be kind he just lost someone he loves..there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.I would give him a pass on this but have my eyes open down the road.I am so sorry for your loss it is your loss too.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (6 November 2017):
I'm sorry this must be deeply hurtful and upsetting for you.
BUT you have to remember this is not about you or him, he may not even be responsible for this request, his family may have asked that this be the way that it is, you may have felt that he should have fought your corner but this is not the time or place to be creating division.
When people are grieving they don't always act generously or fairly, they retreat to places of comfort, drawing the people they know or care for the most close. The family may have asked your boyfriends ex wife to be with them, they have close bonds, children bond you into a family forever- this does not change how your boyfriend feels about you but his family evidently feel that his ex wife needs to grieve with them in a way that you don't. It is an uncomfortable way to learn where you are in the pecking order, but this is his families order, not his. It might only have been his daughter- but honestly what is he supposed to do- insist that you are there over her desire to have her mother there?
The fact that he asked your opinion about his brother's eulogy was a good thing, that he valued your thoughts, but you didn't see it that way. He can see that you are hurt, but I can also see that he also might think in his hour of need you were thinking about you.
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