| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I've been in a toxic relationship for 3 years, and I don't know what to do. You see in the beginning it was all perfect, it seemed to us (and everyone around us) that we'd been made for each other since we shared the same hobbies, thoughts, ideas, tastes, values, etc. The problem is I never told him that in the past (way before I met him) I had fooled around a bit with one of our mutual friends. One day he asked me about my "history" with this mutual friend and I - out of panic - said nothing had happened. He asked again and this time I came clean.After this, we started having trust issues from his side, because I'd lied and because he thought I was different (i.e. he didn't approve of what I'd done in the past). However, we tried to make it work and it was generally good.He never really accepted the past, though. And I have ALWAYS been a crybaby (I don't know why, but I've always cried whenever I've been in trouble or feeling strong emotions). So sometimes when he asked me about something from the past, being unable to cope with the frustration, I'd cry. This made him even more upset.Eventually, we got to a point were he was so fed up with my crying and being unable to accept my past, that he said "Let's give it another try, but you MUST change, you must stop crying all the time, etc.". I agreed. However on Friday and last night, we had issues again, and I cried. Last night, actually, I kind of had a hysteria fit. I cried for almost 2 hours, non-stop and I talked nonsense about how I was such an awful girlfriend, that I love him and don't want to lose him, that I'm ugly, stupid, boring, and that I'd rather be dead. I asked if he loved me and he said no, that he can't love someone like me, unless I changed and were normal. He said I wasn't normal, that I was mentally ill.And now here I am, suffering over him because I truly love him (even though he says it doesn't show - that if I truly loved him, I would have changed). I just can't control my crying. Sometimes I even cry in public, unable to control myself. I've always been emotionally unstable, and no therapy has worked! I can't stand thinking that I was such an awful girlfriend that I lost the man of my dreams, and that now practically any girl would be better suited for him because most girls are normal (they don't cry like me) and they're also funny and pretty. To make it worse, I don't feel like I'll get over him any time soon, whereas he will probably get over me easily, and we have a lot of mutual friends, so I will hear about it when he starts dating again. Oh, by the way, this was my first boyfriend and therefore I don't know how to get over him.What should I do? I just can't see myself without him, he had even told me he wanted to marry me, but I don't think he wants to be with a psycho now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): You are who you are. Accept that. He can't. I would say that it might help if you commit to cry when you get home instead of in public. Crying is good for the soul; you release tension that way instead of letting it build up inside. Let me know if that suggestion helps after you try it via email, please.
This relationship is over. He did give you a chance to change the crying. It's more than as you said; it is your emotional nature in general he wanted changed. He did not want to have to deal with it. He probably considers you "high maintenance."
Don't put yourself down!!! Don't apologize and say you aren't a good girlfriend. This would not be appealing to any guy and would portray a dependent nature. Men like women who are independent.
At the age you are, I feel for you because I KNOW you are really hurting. One thing that would help would be to tell any friends who approach you with news of him that you are not interested in knowing. Put a DEAD stop to it. It would only make you feel worse.
In the meantime, every time you think of him (OK may be constantly) say a word like Jesus or another one over and over to keep you from thinking about him. Pray about it if you are religious.
I know you cannot imagine life without him, but that is the way it will be. Try to accept it. It is over. He is over.
I know it's an old adage, but time Is a great healer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): First off, you haven't said anything here to make me think you are "psycho". It is human to cry, and you being a young girl who is going through puberty, your hormones are going to be making you feel very sensitive at times.
Your boyfriend sounds like the one who is unloving and cruel. I would not give any one the time of day who told me I was mentaily ill. What does he know about it? I'd venture to say nothing. His calling you names and telling you to change was an attempt to control you. Yes, he does sound toxic for you, and he probably is the cause for many of your confusing and strong emotions. I think he did you an extreme favor by breaking up with you. You haven't lost anything, you just don't know that since you lack anything to compare this relationship to. Healthy love relationships do not hurt.
There is no easy way to get over someone. But the first thing you have to do is to stop criticizing and blaming yourself. The guy was a jerk, get angry instead. Don't act out on your anger, but allow yourself to feel it. Cut all contact with him if you can. If you share the same friends, try to see them when he is not around, or invite them out without including him. Get busy with some other things you enjoy. Make some new friends.
Spend time with your family as they know and love you best and can be a great support for you.
As far as your emotions, they are pretty raw right now, so just give yourself some time to calm down. If you feel that you need to talk to a professional, then do so. Don't give up on therapy, it isn't magic after all, you actually have to do the work. You don't need to change who you are for this boy, but instead work on building your love for your self.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, gwendolyn R  +, writes (30 August 2009):
 you know what you should do hun, prove him wrong and that you don't go around screwing around instead go with your gal friends spend time in a new activity. once he sees that your moving about and doing your own thing he will want you back. Your not mentiilly ill that's just abuse in a form that he is telling you. you can find someone better.
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