A
female
age
30-35,
*rooklyn09
writes:I've been seeing this guy for almost a year now, and i am a bit confused as to where this is going. We meet my freshman year in college in the library, he is 23 and i am 20... Every since the first time we got together, we have been INSEPRABLE. That is until, he had to go back home for the summer. He has always been a bit insecure though, always asking me if im talking to other guys, going through my phone calls and text messages. He is very affectionate though.When we are together it is pure HEAVEN, it is when i am not by his side that he worries and gets insecure. Since he has went home, he calls me about 5 or 6 times a day minimum and when we are not on the phone, we text. I don't mind though, because i love him so much and love to hear from him; sometimes he can get a bit carried away though. We argue frequently now, about the status of our relationship.He says that he wants to be friends now, because he does not trust me and im far away and so is he. He says when he comes back for school, he doesn't know whats going to happen. He said he still likes me and wants me, but he just can't trust me. I honeslty believe in his mind, he thinks that if we are "friends" now, anything i "do" doesn't count because we technically aren't together and vice versa. But, the sad thing is im not doing anything.I asked him was there someone else and he said HELL NO!! He claims he wants to be friends, but he still calls me and grills me all the time, and he always talks about the future with me and him; Like where i wanna go for my birthday and christmas, and what he's gonna get me. I am so confused, what does this man want from me? I've meet his family and all his friends, his brother thinks we're married. He is good to me, but i just don't understand him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): If you haven't given him any reason to distrust you, then, the reason he distrusts you is something related to him, not you. That said, it means the point isn't to "regain" his trust because you haven't done anything to lose it; he may not have trusted you at all from the beginning, he may not trust anyone lol, it might just be the kind of person he is.What you need to do is teach him. I realize he's older than you, and ideally he'd be more experienced, but those are the breaks. He needs to have some faith before he can trust that, even with the distance between you, that nothing wrong will happen. The point is he needs to learn; alot of guys, like myself, never learn until the girl leaves. If you love him as much as you say you do, help him. If he's not willing to learn then the situation will never improve. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Brooklyn09 +, writes (12 August 2009):
Brooklyn09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Guys, but Subtletsunami... i have lied to him once. It was about a phone number a guy had given me, and the guy was very interested in me. I told My boyfriend i hadn't given the guy my number... and it was a lie. I had only given the guy my number because i felt that my boyfriend (we weren't together at the time) wasn't as interested in me as i was in him. But, at that time our relationship was still VERY new.My boyfriend was basically my first everything, when we first got together i was very sexually inexperienced. And, i don't understand how he can't see my love for him. I love him so much. I couldn't bear losing him... how can i regain his trust?
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A
female
reader, \m/J.D\m/ +, writes (12 August 2009):
 Well hun, insecurity does strange things to ppl at the best of times, by the sounds of it tho, hes setting your relationship status as a test, hes obviously still making like hes with you but by saying your only friends if you was to cheat or see other ppl now you will have proved him rite, does that make sense? of cause i could be completely barking up the wrong tree here but i have been the insecure partner before and its strange how our minds work lol but dont let him toy with you chick, make a stand that he either excepts you for who and what you are, because your not going to change for anyone, including him, and he loves you for been the person you are, so he needs to have trust in you. also tell him that no one knows what the future holds and no one can predict what could happen but there is no point basing a relationship on what mite happen and you should focus on the here and now! you are committed to him so he will have to accept that. good luck hun. JD
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A
male
reader, SubtleTsunami  +, writes (12 August 2009):
Hey there,
Well, there's a few things i'd like to point out. For one, if this guy is exhibiting the behavior that you say he is, then he is more than just a "bit" insecure. He is dangerously insecure. I know when you are involved in a situation like this it is difficult to think and see it clearly, but let me try and see if I can't give you a little perspective on this.
As a person in the dating world, your goal is to find and have a successful relationship. Not too many people, unless they are just looking for sex, which you obviously are not, get into relationship and hope they fail from the outset. So you want a relationship that ultimately will work out, right? The proper question to ask is not "What does this man want from me?" That is really irrelevant in the scheme of things. What he wants doesn't matter. It's what you want that is important. And you want a successful relationship. The proper question to ask is this: Is there a possibility for this to turn into a healthy, lasting, successful relationship? That is the only question that matters. It doesn't matter if you love each other, because if it doesn't last, well, then it doesn't last. If it isn't healthy, it won't last. If it isn't any of those three, healthy, lasting, successful, then it's going to be a crashing plane.
So let's go on and try to answer this question. But first, there are a few hard, rather ugly truth's that I have to give to you. I know these aren't easy to hear, but I promise that to ignore them is a mistake that will only cause you grief and heart ache in the end.
The first truth is this: he does not love you. This has nothing to do with you or any inadequacy you might have. He comes as close to loving you as he does anyone. What he feels for you though, is emotional dependence. If we define love as "the extension of one's self for nurturance of personal and spiritual growth in another" then what he has for you does not meet this definition. Love is not just affection. It is not just caring. A soldier might care about a prisoner who has valuable information he needs, and he might even affectionately treat his wounds, but he certainly does not love him. Your boyfriend does not feel and act for your growth or benefit. Just like with the soldier, he feels and acts because of what he gains, and will gain. Which in this case is similar to what a drug addict gains from a drug.
You see, he relies on you emotionally for a lot if not everything. He relies on you for security, for love, for positive feelings, and even for his identity. The second hard truth, which continues off of this is as follows: if you have not given him a good reason to distrust you and he still doesn't trust you after this amount of time, then he never will trust you. The extent of your relationship will be like this. What you are seeing out of him right now is not because of you. You are seeing how weak and fragile he really is. You are seeing his insecurity in himself revealed. I say this not to be mean, but to show you the truth. This is nothing you've done wrong.
One other thing i'd like to add. Rather than trying to foster your growth, he acts to foster your dependence on him. Kind of like we do our pets. We want our pets to be loyal to us, to obey us, and to do what we say. We praise them and give them treats when they please us and scold them when they do not. In the realm of love, you are more on the 'pet' end of the spectrum to him. Although, this is out of no disrespect for you, but rather weakness and emotional issues out of him.
I'm sorry to say this, but the truth of the matter is that no healthy relationship is possible here. If you haven't given him any good reason to distrust you and he says he just can't trust you, personally, I would find that insulting. If he goes through your phone, and texts, imagine what your relationship would be like if it got even deeper? If you went to dinner with your friends, would he be driving around outside the joint spying on you? You may say this sounds ridiculous, and that he would never do that, but make no mistake, it is very easy for the type of behavior he is showing already to turn into worse. In his mind, he can 'really' trust no one. There may be people he distrusts more than others, but really, I would venture to say he doesn't really trust anyone. If he does, it is probably only one person.
You may say, "But what if I end things and it turns out he would have trusted me more as the relationship went on?" Once more, i'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if anything his trust for you will only lessen. The more he 'loves' you and hence the more he needs you and is dependent on you emotionally, the less he will trust you. Because the more he needs you, the more he will fear losing you and the more irratic and irrational his 'stalking' behavior will become.
If you are worried about being able to get over him then I have this to tell you. I just recently broke up with a girlfriend of a year and a half. She was my world, and I loved her to death, but found out that I couldn't trust her. I broke up with her and did indeed have a hard time getting over it. The experience was good though. I learned a lot about how to get over a relationship and now i've met a girl who I like. At first you feel like you will never get over it, but give it a few months and your feelings will go away. Especially when you meet someone else.
I hope that my post has helped you and I give you my sympathy because I know this is a rough situation. If you would like to talk more about it or ask me any questions I would be more than happy to take the time. Just private message me or something like that. Take care.
Sincerely,
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): lol he loves you, but he is protecting his heart. Because you live so far away, he would rather stay freinds, so just incase you do end up doing something with someone else, it wont be as hurtfull. I am in this position. Trust in him.
Have a wonderfull life togather :)
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