A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has some troubling attitudes on life, and I don't know what I can do (if anything) about it.The one that comes to the forefront more often than others is that he dislikes gay people. Not to the point where he would commit hate crimes, but he will use slurs which I find offensive and worrisome. I find this astounding seeing as literally his whole immediate family is gay. His brother is gay, and his parents are lesbians. From things he says from time to time (he doesn't talk about it much), I gather that it is just misplaced anger at his parents for his growing up without a father. He did look up to his grandfather, but he passed away when my boyfriend fairly young.Is there anything I can do to shift the focus of his anger onto the real issue at hand and find some way to work through it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): Hi all, I'm the OP.To clarify, both he and his brother are biological offspring of one of his parents (artificial insemination). She has been with her partner since they were in their early 20s and they are now in their early 60s. His relationship with his mom is not good, but his relationship with his mom's partner is pretty good. In my opinion, his mom is not a very good person and doesn't seem to care about her children as much as her partner does.Some of you seem to think he goes around spewing hate in public. He doesn't. It's not any more acceptable, but it's along the lines of kids on xbox live calling each other gay. It just bothers me because I see it and no one else does.Thank you all for your comments, they were all very helpful. In particular, I think janniepeg, YouWish and Aunty Babbit got it right on the nose.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 Oddly enough, most children raised by two men or women don't feel they are missing something from their parents. As long as they are loving and nurturing, and take care of them, there is no issue.
I have many lesbian friends who are raising children together, and their kids, in fact, have turned out even more well-rounded and respectful of others than any other kids I've ever seen.
Sounds like he is holding some sort of bridge against his family. I wonder why? Was he made fun of as a kid? Is this why he blames them now?
I'm sure that growing up two moms may have been hard when some kids can be so mean. but that's no reason to resent your family. In fact, it's not his families fault. It's the kids who may have given him a hard time, as well as the parents who never taught them about same sex couples.
His anger is misplaced and I would find it difficult to be with a person who said such disrespectful and judgmental things about others. Especially when it pertains to his whole family!!
This would really put me off. Would in fact be a deal breaker for me. Not even just about sexuality. If the person I was with were racist, prejudice or hateful in ANY way toward ANYONE, I would be gone. But that's just me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 December 2013):
 The brothers might not be adopted. Many lesbian moms (sometimes both of them) get pregnant by willing men. His brother got the gay gene while he gots the recessive gene. The parents are not to be blamed by prejudice. If not sexual orientation there could be racial ones, or size issues. Your boyfriend could even be bisexual and feeling confused. He doesn't have to like gay people but he doesn't have to swallow a spoonful of poison every day. He can distance himself from his family but he has to be happy with who he is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): For your sake, lets hope he's just acting out, and his resentment is totally fake. I am gay, and I have some idea of what he's doing.
I know gay parents of teenagers, and people who came out to their spouses and children. There is a phase when their children deny affiliation to their gay parent(s). This may be due to teasing and outside pressures. When they have been far too subjected to the cruelties of intolerance.
Children of gay parents, or who have gay relatives; don't want to be ostracized or suspected of being gay themselves. It is the same phase the majority of teenagers go through; when they are ashamed of their parents, or their heritage. They pretend to hate it. It is their rebellious way of releasing all their pent up frustration with not having the luxury to pick and choose who they are, or whom they are related to. A weakness to peer pressure, and the lack of leadership skills. Low self-esteem.
In your bf's case, a greater portion of it is misplaced aggression and self-hatred. People like your boyfriend use hate as a chosen outlet for their anger. How? It shows in different ways. They project their feelings onto others; and look for some social, or ethnic group, to be the target of their anger and hatred.
He feels rejected by his birth-parents. He retaliates by faulting his adopted lesbian parents for all his childhood mishaps. He blames it on their sexual-orientation, and he is ashamed of his gay brother. It was not his chosen or ideal family. He feels like a misfit and doesn't have bragging-rights. So he falsely perceives.
You say he has other troubling attitudes? Knowing this, why would you bring such things into your own life? To live with it, condones it. I hope you don't think you're going to be his miracle cure? You will be a neurotic mess when he's done running you through the grinder.
It wouldn't have made any difference if he had straight birth-parents; there would have been teasing and bullying for some other reason. It comes with childhood. It requires a kid to grow a thick hide to deal with life. The schoolyard is your preparation for life. Timid and abused children come out with too many battle scars to develop a full armor.
Many adopted children grow up ungrateful and resentful.
If they remained in the foster-care system too long before adoption; going from family to family. They face abuse and don't experience real family-affection early in their formative years. They become very bitter and dysfunctional.
They never learn to trust. Everyone is an enemy.
Your bf chooses the people he thinks most vulnerable to hate. Where he feels he will easily get a lot of angry sympathizers. Gay people.
He wants to send a message back to his family that he rejects them; because they are gay. And he is not. He now plays for the other team. He is a traitor to his loved-ones.
He thinks declaring his dislike for gays will disassociate him; and alleviate suspicion that he may be gay. He is performing for your benefit, and to reassure others in your circles knowledgeable of his family background.
All you can do is tell him exactly how you fee about that kind of behavior. I can say from my life-experience, people who would turn on family who have shown them nothing but love and acceptance; aren't the greatest people to form long-term relationships.
Their ignorance and intolerance will embarrass you, time and time again. Teenagers grow out of it. If he carried it into adulthood, you have a bigot on your hands. Homophobes fear gay people will bring out feelings they are trying to suppress, and can react very violently. Some get past it, some just decide that's the way they prefer to feel about it.
Unlike those who don't know any better. He has had the exposure; and knows there is no basis for his homophobia. There will be a time in his life, he will need them. He will have alienated them all by this time. He has no other family.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 I agree with your comment about misplaced anger.
Your boyfriend has maybe had a very negative experience of same sex relationships so therefore will be using this as his frame of reference.
He is entitled to feel the way he does because we don't know what he has been through to give him that perspective, however, he also has to realise and accept that although he's entitled to his opinions others are entitled to theirs. It is not acceptable for him to voice his opinions in a way that causes hurt or offense to others.
Has he considered counselling? I think he may be hurting and could benefit from some therapy.
I think you need to let him know that whilst you love him and respect that he has his own opinions on this matter, you do not share them and would prefer that he keeps derogatory comments to himself.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2013):
 I actually agree with you regarding misplaced anger. It's similar to the guy who acts out misogynistic because he had an abusive mother who domineered the family. It's not about women, it's about his mom.
I agree with the others, I'm not a therapist, but I think the homophobia is because of his relationship with his parents. If he had a rough childhood and all of them were gay, he could latch onto that and not the abusive nature of the individuals like his mom and/or his brother. There could be so much of the dynamic, including maybe society looking down on the family unit as something he should be ashamed of.
He could be lashing out on all of it, including maybe perceived favoritism or attention to his brother who is gay, as maybe there could have been bullying or whatever because of that. Being a member of a minority that is still being societally targeted by hate crimes throughout the world can cause deep-seeded resentment.
You can't focus him or change him. He has to see the issues for himself and reach out to get professional help, because they're all tangled up like a big ball of yarn.
All you can do is decide for yourself whether or not you can live with his prejudice and take him as he is, resentments and all.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 December 2013):
As stated, you're not his therapist. You could help him find one, but I doubt he'd be interested.
Personally, there are only a few things that are immediate deal breaker for me: racism, homophobia, and smoking. So I'd be out of there.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 December 2013):
It's too much of a challenge to act as his therapist. His parents love him and raised him. When he spreads hate about his parents it is as if telling all gay people should just remain childless and die off without passing on gay genes. Many children grow up in single mom homes and I don't see a lot of them hating their moms for not choosing their dads right, or having an abortion. In fact a lot of children do respect and try to protect their moms. I think it has to do with personality also. There can be two children in one household and they both act and cope completely different.
He might have a hard time at school especially if he didn't grow up in conservative area of town. I can imagine the kids asking him how does he know he's not really gay? He might be trying to assert his identity by telling people that he does not have anything to do with the family's gayness. He's overdoing it, not knowing that it has a deleterious effect. He is ungrateful to his parents.
I would tell him that whenever he "hates" gay people, it does not make him more straight and you would not want to hear hurtful comments about gay people. That you want to see them all get along. A person who does not love his parents (at least be at peace with where he's from) cannot love you. You would be just a girlfriend to prove his straight identity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): Being able to accept homosexuality as normal takes maturity. It also involves a lot of rationale. Find out how he feels about his family. Does he use derogatory language to describe them? It seems you have since you mentioned misdirected anger. Does he hate himself? He might think he isn't the "man" he could have been if he had a father - which is silly and misguided because character is about being a good person not a good man or woman (which is defined by stereotypes and traditions that have bred narrow thinking). You said your boyfriend has concerning perspectives on many things, but homosexuality is at the top of the list. What else is he hateful and angry about? That could dictate whether you can help him or not. If he is racist, sexist, etc - then you best leave him.
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