A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok everyone I really need some help here. My boyfriend and I are in are very early thirties. We have been together for four years. However, about two years into the relationship things got bad and we ended up breaking things off for a few months. We got back together but it hasn't been the same. I have spent the past year and a half trying to prove myself to this man and show him that I love him and he can trust me and our relationship. I didn't cheat on him I basically turned into a bitch and tried to control him, but I had reason to based on the things he did to me. He continues to tell me that he doesn't trust me and he doesn't want to risk loosing control again. He is living a double life. He does Holidays and Birthdays completely separate from me and just with his family and his daughter. I have told him how badly this hurts me and how I desperately want to be a part of this and how can he claim to love me if he is willing to spend these important dates without me. Am I correct is it time to go? We have been fighting over this issue for four months now. I just found out that he spent his birthday and his daughters birthdays having a family gathering that I wasn't involved in again. His mother hates me and I am just to tired of all of the hurt. I dn't believe this is love why does he try to convince me otherwise. How can he possibly willingly and knowingly hurt me so badly. I have told him I have paid my dues and proven myself. I guess I am just looking for some reassurance that it's time to go, that their can really be enough when you love someone and real love doesn't hurt like this or expect you to endure this kind of pain. Please help I am heart broken and sad and confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): I would say that if you are still together, start to plan separate activities and fun things (things he likes to do) with other people when he is with his family. Do not invite him to your family/friend events. Perhaps you'll even meet another great guy!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): I'm in a similar situation. 4 years with a BF. He's divorced with 2 kids. However, his mother does like me. He doesn't invite me to those things because his ex-wife shows up to them. I'm hurt that he doesn't even invite me, but I think he thinks that there will be drama if I showed up. I have been with him for 4 years and feel that I should be included too. I know it will never happen unless he asks me to marry him. However, that hasn't happened either. I'm at the end of the rope now. I would have to say...things probably won't get better for you or I until boundaries have been set. Let him know how important it is too you. If he still leaves you out of the loop, then leave him... I think i'm on my way out too. Can't take it any longer. Plus, I'm 32 and I want children of my own. GOOD LUCK girlie!
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A
female
reader, Her.  +, writes (31 July 2009):
Well finish him then!
If it's that bad then just go.
If he loves you, he'll try and get you back.
Once you go he'll realise what you really mean to him.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe you should read all the post again. You telling me to drop it and don't bring it up anymore is only focusing on his needs. Their are two people in a relationship and both people deserve to have their emotional needs met you are saying to drop it explain how that's possible to do when it hurts me so badly and when I have dropped it for over a year in a half. How are my needs being met and how am I being considered if you are solely focusing on his feelings. In case you missed it Im sick of it and Im out of patience and sitting around allowing this to continue to happen is making me miserable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I don't think so. You are telling me to ignore my feelings and that my emotional needs don't need to be met. In case you missed the part about this has been going on for over a year and a half and I just started bringing it up the last dour months. He has known hiow I felt the entire year and a half and I Never pushed the issue. If that isn't patient I don't know what is. Both people I n a relatuonship deserve to be happy and have their needs met. I totally disagree with you I feel like I have done everything and offered every compromise available. A relationship can't be onesided and I will not ignore my feelings nor continue to stay with someone who doesn't care that their actions towards me are hurtful. Thanks for trying to help but I've made my decision, Im leaving.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have tried to offer a compromise. I have asked to be included in just his birthday dinner that was at a restaurant, I have suggested him doing one night of Christmas with them and the next with me. I have told him I don't need to be included in every family gathering and don't want to cram myself down anyone's throat and that I also don't want to make him choose between me and his family that if we are to have a future together he has to start trying to integrate me. He refuses to listen to anything I have to say his answer is he doesn't trust me and I will just ruin the day or event and they are to important for him to even risk. I have spent the last year and a half showing him I can be trusted yet we are at a stand still because he refuses to take the risk. I have been patient and allowed him time to try to do it on his own at this point I feel he is being selfish and wants his cake and eat it to. He doesn't want to have to do the work that goes into a relationship just the benefits!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have sat down many many times and tried to tell him how badly this hurts me and how much a want to be included in these events. He is very clear on how I feel about this situation he just chooses to do nothing about it. He doesn't want to make himself or anyone in his family uncomfortable. I can't even get him to tell me about things they do anymore I was completely left out of his daughters birthday whom I love very much. I didn't find out about it until after the fact.
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A
female
reader, Her. +, writes (25 July 2009):
Okay..I think that if you're not happy in this relationship then you should tell your boyfriend how you feel. There's no point in you trying to prove yourself to him, because thats not how a loving relationship is. I think if it's makingg you unhappy then you really should talk. Don't get all shouting though, it wont achieve anything. And whenn you say he only involves his 'family', he should class you as family!Just sit down and tell him honestly and truthly how you feel, and what you want to change. If he doesnt like that, then yes, i think you should leave.Hope this helps. :)xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Her. +, writes (25 July 2009):
Okay..I think that if you're not happy in this relationship then you should tell your boyfriend how you feel. There's no point in you trying to prove yourself to him, because thats not how a loving relationship is. I think if it's makingg you unhappy then you really should talk. Don't get all shouting though, it wont achieve anything. And whenn you say he only involves his 'family', he should class you as family!Just sit down and tell him honestly and truthly how you feel, and what you want to change. If he doesnt like that, then yes, i think you should leave.Hope this helps. :)xxxxx
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