A
female
age
51-59,
*ebbie72
writes:My partner of 11 years is 10 years older than me, we used to have an amazing sex life but for the last 4 years it has deteriorated. If I'm lucky I may get something once every 4 months. We both had high sex drives. now my partner says he doesn't have one at all, I do get frustrated but I would never cheat on him as I do love the rest of our relationship, however just recently my world was blown apart when I found out he had been watching porn whilst I was at work. This upset me very much as apparently he doesn't have a sex drive and he says it's not that he isn't attracted to me. It's just that he's tired all the time, which I accepted, but then why watch porn if your not interested in sex? I asked him he replied I don't remember watching it , I won't do it again.I have no problem with porn or him watching it, it's the fact that we haven't got a sex life, that's why it hurts so much,I'm sure if this was happening the other way round he would be accusing me of cheating. What would you advise? I'm lost
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): Wiseoldowl spends a lot of time giving some helpful advice yet as a woman it's very hard not to be concerned about one particular aspect . He mentions stretch marks being a turn off for many men. Considering stretch marks are a very unavoidable consequence of pregnancy for most women ( yes sure , some will say they used creams and didn't get them by as a woman who has seen many dermatologist and recently had surgery for them after being told NO amount of any cream will fix or prevent them) I find it sad that a consequence of us giving our partner a child makes us less attractuve go them . Wow nature must have really screwed up there
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (3 July 2015):
 I would like to suggest a possibility that your man could have been watching porn in order to test whether he could get an erection, sustain it and/or orgasm given that he hasn't felt any sexual desire in last 4 years. I know that I would do that to test various things all in service of getting sexual with the one I love, if I was in his situation.
I also speculate that this could be the case because he is approaching 60 and complains that he is tired to have sex - which is a symptom of a depleted energy that could be caused by various things such as lack of exercise, foods loaded with carbohydrates, stomach bloating or simply a depletion in testosterone which is very common for men that age. Have him, therefore, get a physical exam and get his hormones looked at along with the rest of the vitals as well as his erectile functionality.
Now, I could be wrong at everything I said because, one never knows, some men can go on hiding their porn addiction for years and loose the erection due to too much masturbation and desensitized sexuality that happens because of too much porn.
Could have he needed a quick orgasm release and he resorted to porn for that? Sure, since men do get aroused visually.
Nevertheless, I still think that you should perhaps mend the communications channel with him by not admonishing him for watching porn and use that channel to find out what's up with him sexually. Some men may have hard time accepting the fact that they have lost their mojo so admonishing him for porn watching is additional layer emotional hardship.
You should take some action because 4 years is too long of a time to harbor a sexual malady.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 July 2015):
 You don't have to know how to fly in order to like watching airplanes. sounds like he has reached a common male problem...an ever-enlarging prostate but lower testostorone level. A urologist can help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): I'm a straight-shooter. I don't sugar-coat my advice, and don't always tell people what they like to hear. I think we all need a strong dose of what we "need" to know; in order that we can "logically analyze" emotional situations. Get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. This is going to be lengthy.
Emotionally, we can't always decipher our situation; and we agonize over the "when, why's, and how comes?" Such are the ugly realities of life. If we face reality, we learn how to overcome the obstacles and challenges in our relationships.
We can work together to turn things around; or make the ultimate decision, when the time comes to remove ourselves.
First, we must purge ourselves of silly notions and fantasies. Fantasy is a spice. It gives us creativity. It should never be set as a goal in life, or in a relationship.
Life will never mirror a fairytale. People who insist on it being that way, sit in a corner glassy-eyed and wringing their hands. Swallowing pills and keeping quack doctors and pharmaceuticals rich. We have to learn to recognize that relationships have curves, turns, dips, dives, and take-offs. Even screeching halts! They are what life forces them to be. We are at the controls, so we have to be good pilots.
Many men use porn and masturbation as an alternative to cheating. That's not an excuse for it. Perhaps that is the situation in your case. You've had a long and healthy sex-life; but perhaps he has become bored with it. It sometimes happens. You can always try and spice it up, but you're still the same partner. Sexual-attraction comes and goes, peaks, and drops. In long-term relationships; it ebbs and flows like the tides. It is rare that partners have equal sex-drives. We may peak together; but we may not maintain the same level of energy and stamina throughout the span of a relationship or marriage.
Okay boys and girls; it's time to get real. Nothing is written in stone, but there are common generalities that many of us can relate to. Here goes.
Men are naturally wired for a variety of partners; so we have to maintain a certain amount of self-discipline and self-control in a relationship. Nasty old porn is becoming a very popular choice as a form of entertainment; and a bad one in my personal opinion. It's too easily accessible, it ranges in the worst of subject-matter, and it is becoming a very intrusive material in our relationships these days.
Men are more influenced sexually by the media; which constantly flashes nudity and eroticism in every facet of our entertainment. Naked bodies sell products, sports figures now sell underwear, or do nude modeling; so there is no real escape. It starts to work it's way into the minds of guys until they have a distinct appetite for it. It's easier getting-off alone; than actually working to help someone else get-off. Humans are naturally selfish; and it takes more effort to be considerate of others in a self-absorbed, immediate-gratification-driven society.
You have to be honest (but extremely calm) and tell him how you feel. That you no longer get to share intimacy with him. How much you miss it. No tears, emotionalizing, or whining. Straight-up adult-conversation. Sex is a hard subject to talk about when you're not getting enough. You don't want to put your partner on the defensive, and you don't want to sound needy or like they hold too much power over your feelings. That's normal. Been there and done that.
You can also suggest that too much masturbation may be killing his sex-drive. Ask if he will try and refrain to see what happens if he does. Also let him know that the lack of sex and intimacy is a strain on the relationship and is directly affecting how you feel about him. It is that serious. Beating around the bush and being too delicate will not get the point across, girlfriend.
Whining sounds like nagging to the ears of men. So hold it together. Appeal to his logic. Not his emotions. Honesty in itself has a way of appealing to both the emotions and the logic. So you needn't add "your" emotion to dramatize your point. Just get to it.
I also like to suggest to readers to always evaluate the overall quality of your relationship. If it's mostly good, be grateful for it. Never take it for granted. Consider seriously and reflect on how much "affection and kindness" you exchange between you. That is the fuel that energizes sex-drive, and heightens emotional interaction. Just tolerating each other, or co-dependency weakens and stresses under the weight of constant fighting and disagreement. That's a sign kindness and affection are at a deficit. You're wasting time being together. You're incompatible.
Ladies, men are visual creatures; so if you've put on a lot of weight and you aren't quite as toned as you were a few years ago; sorry, but you just may not push the buttons you used to. That's a reality that's hard to face for both genders. Baldness, beer-guts, and back-hair are not turn-ons for many women (or gay men). Cottage cheese thighs and stretch-marks sometimes do lessen sexual-attraction. Women will not admit it, because they're too busy whining that men kill their self-esteem. They won't explain why they don't seem to want sex as often as he does. Truth be told? He makes ugly faces during sex, his breath smells awful, it's over too quickly, he won't go south, can't make you orgasm, his penis is too small and ugly, you're just disgusted with sex in general, he has no idea what foreplay is; or you're a miserable prude. That's life, and the truth.
We all age!!! We aren't going to look 25 all our lives! That doesn't mean stop taking care of your body and health. I will not accept weak excuses for letting yourself go, because you're older. On the other hand, any narcissistic sonofabitch who sets a double-standard for his partner that he doesn't live-up to himself, is a dick and a certified assh*le!!! You shouldn't allow yourself to be victimized, or held hostage by your unjustified feelings for him. If he is consistently an assh*le in the relationship, get the balls to kick his ass to the curb. Otherwise, quit whining.
We all have to learn when it is time to stop forcing futility. Success in a relationship relies on mutual effort and contribution between partners. You can't row a boat with one arm and one hand! It takes two for power and control, and to move the boat. That's a relationship.
So what do we do? We both work with what we've got, and work hard to keep the love flowing. Doing so helps to over-look imperfections, as I personally learned in my own 28-year relationship. He died. (I have a new relationship, and apply what works.)
There was a lull in our sex-life for sometime, but oddly it changed. We were both at fault. It was for several different reasons. It's complicated, there is no simple reason. I do exercise, and it keeps my testosterone levels higher. Age steals it away from men starting in our mid to late 30's. Doesn't mean we don't like to, or won't continue to masturbate. We always will. So don't expect your man not to want to masturbate. No woman can stop his need to do it, it's natural. It is not your right to control his sex-drive, only to appeal to it. Same for him towards you.
My mate and I talked and agreed to be kinder to each other, and more attentive to each others feelings. Therefore; the sexual-attraction restarted, improved, and began to intensify. Fluctuating finances, arguments, subtle/direct insults, bouts of passive-aggressive behavior, and snarkiness kills your partner's attraction to you. It kills it in you, when you are the receiver. I don't feel like kissing someone who called me a bitch. It rings in your memory like an echo for a long time. Remember that folks.
Name-calling and comments about your partner's mental or physical imperfections during nasty arguments never really goes away. You may apologize, but you can't take them back.
It cuts deeply and their affection for you diminishes. When you want get down to make nasty, memory of your meanness comes back. The hurt numbs their feelings. Sex is less appealing with you. Same goes for sloppiness, and poor hygiene. If you stink or think sarcasm is cute, you're sexually-unappealing! I direct these comments broadly, not at the OP. You're not under attack. You're seeking truth. I hope you can handle it. This is my experience over a life-time. My relationships have worked and lasted. Some have failed too. I've learned from both.
For some men, sexual-attraction is strongly tied to visualization; and less to emotion. It is unfortunate that many women (gay or straight) and gay men find wonderful partners; but the sexual-area of our relationships sometimes die-out over time. Depending on how important sex is to you in a relationship; sometimes you have to make a decision that's best for you, in order to maintain your happiness and well-being. It may require you to end what you have, to pursue what you need elsewhere. As a last resort, of course. Just know what is an unrealistic expectation; or you will constantly end good relationships searching for perfection, or the Holy Grail.
Tell him how you feel. If that doesn't help, consider ending this one; and finding a relationship that offers you all the things you need and want. Just be sure you can offer the same in return. Many want a lot more than they can offer.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 July 2015):
 You write: "I have no problem with porn or him watching it, it's the fact that we haven't got a sex life..."
Don't kid yourself..... your "man" is spending all his mental/emotional/sexual energy on porn.... and has nothing left for you..... Re-assess the above statement... then, put your foot down and let him know that HE must make a choice... and it is this:
Discontinue spending his mental/E/S capital on porn, and give it (that mental capital) to YOU..... OR, ... continue with the porn.... but plan on getting himself a new girlfriend...
Good luck....
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