A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been involved with a guy for 3 years now. I have noticed a pattern in the past year that when I get upset, he cant seem to handle it. As soon as I start to cry, he reacts, by saying he is completely stressed as it is and he cant handle any emotional upset. Or stuff like,"stop it, pull it together and show the kids you are strong", "you have more important things to worry about", "this is wasted energy". When he calls and I happen to cry on the phone, then he will try to appease me by saying one of the above comments, but he ends up hanging up and not communicating with me for days. Recently, I noticed I get more into an emotional tizzy b/c I fear that he is going to cut me off. I recognize this is not healthy for me. It is particularly not healthy for me b/c I was abused by mother as a child and she used to beat me until I would stop crying. I am having a hard time dissassociating that emotion to the situations with him. I am not sure why i even cry to him b/c what I am usually wanting is my feelings validated and his remarks are far from comforting. He says that he has no room in his life for upset including his own b/c in the past year he didnt have a job and he just got one a couple weeks ago and that he is barely keeping it together. I have tried to tell him about what this triggers and how I need my feeling validated in an email after i cried to him 4 days ago. he responded by telling me not to write him regarding anything emotional b/c he cant handle it right now. Is there any hope for reaching him? right now I am giving him space but am I asking for too much? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): You need counseling to resolve your childhood issues. Im sorry you were abused. You are clearly carrying those issues, no matter how long ago, into this relationship. He is shutting you out because he doesnt like drama. He is doing it rightfully so logically as people under emotion cannot be spoken to appropriately and calmly about said issue because of the emotion involved. I know I certainly cannot. If someone is upset with me or Im upset with them, things need to be calm in order to talk things out and be productive. Im sure this is what he is thinking and you should ask him. In regard to you crying a lot, perhaps you are depressed and are unaware of it. It can happen and it can destroy relationships. In which case you should also seek counseling. Your mental health is important for yourself and also for this relationship and should be strongly considered as a wise investment to help rid your mind of these harmful emotions. Best to you.
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