A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok I need some advice please,I have been going out with my boyfriend for around four years... he can be controlling with me and mean but I never feel like I have the strength to leave him. I suffered a bad eating disorder last year and lost a lot of weight, I then gained it back but lately have been feeling stressed and I'm trying hard not to revert to my old ways of coping. Well last night at a concert my boyfriend was meant to be staying with friends but he ended up over with me and a friend hurling abuse at us both and then blaming me saying I deserved it and I should have left straight away and ditched my friend. Anyway to cut a long story short he sent me an abusive email the main jist of it calling me "fat disgusting and asking did I realise I was so fat and repulsive" highly immature but extremley hurtful considering he knows my paranoia around that and that I had not been eating much the past few weeks down to stress, I confronted him about this and he just laughed and said he knew exactly what would hurt my feelings and he isn't sorry because I should do what he wants and that maybe by telling me that it might stop me meeting someone else.I'm paranoid now that he actually thinks I am fat and I'm scared because this will stick in my head. I don't know how someone could be so cruel and I don't know what to do :( please advise someone, I'm just feeling lost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much everyone for your advice you have no idea how much it means to me :) thanx xox
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): OMGGGGGG DUMP HIS Ass now!!!! iT MIGHT TAKE 2 YEARS TO GET OVER HIM BUT IN THE LONG RUN ITS NEEDED!!!! trust me girl u dont deserve that. My ex was very abusive emotionally also, He was very cruel. We broke up (it was the hardest thing in my life) but now...2 years later...I am sooooo much better off. Im sorry he is such a prick. No one like him is marriage or husband material and YOU KNOW THAT DEEP DOWN. so why stay with him, end it now before he ends it and hurts you even more. However, since is is controlling he might also be dangerous so keep safe (confide in a male relative) I hope you take this advice, i can totally relate. P.s (some guy out there will love you and never hurt you like your current boyfriend, you just need to have faith)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Please look at www.u-wales.org You are experiencing teen dating abuse
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Please have a look at this website you are experiencing Teen dating abuse.
www.u-wales.org
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A
male
reader, Leonardo  +, writes (29 January 2009):
Everyone else said how bad your boyfriend treats you - so I won't repeat.But you personally are a walking time bomb. If you put up with this with one man, you will do it with a second. You may even seek out a dominant male again - or never leave this monster you are with.Eating disorders are a genetic predisposition - very similar to an alcoholic or drug user. It is an illness that can be helped, provided you really want to change. I was an alcoholic, treated in a clinic where 3 young women were being treated the same way for acute eating disorders. This is serious, very serious. You are still at the stage of denial where you think you can control it and blame it on stress (or whatever). Left untreated it can kill you.Your willingness to be abused is also a symptom of the same personality type. If you can find a treatment center for eating disorders in your area, or have a doctor you trust (preferably a psychiatrist), find out how you can get help. Don't worry about the cost right now - just get informed about your options. You need professional help right now - group therapy, behavior modification lessons, and a discovery of who you really are and what you are doing to your life. The longer you wait, the farther down you will fall.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 You don't have the strength to leave him.
He has said what he thinks of you, even said that he knows it hurts you and did it on purpose, as punishment so that in future you will do what he says.
You end with saying you now worry that he might really think you are fat and repulsive.
WRONG thing to worry about. What he most certainly thinks about you is that he can manipulate you, hurt you and you still come back for more. He is an abuser and you are letting him. He might not be leaving bruises on your body but that doesn't make him any better then a wife-beater.
This abuse has apparently been going on for four long years, I presume as long as you been with him. Yet can't leave him. You depend on him and might have once been insecure about anyone else wanting you. Maybe you have a weight problem and that cause you to be insecure?
By being treated the way you are, those insecurities have only gotten worse. It is a nasty trap. To get out of an abusive relationship you need confidence, but being with him breaks your confidence.
You have to start thinking about what this relationship is doing to you. It wouldn't suprise me at all if the reason your had an eating disorder can be directly linked to this relationship. Don't wonder about why he is doing or "how can anyone be so mean", it don't matter. His issue, not yours.
Your issue is that you are staying with someone who only causes you misery and can't break away. Yet that is the only answer. You can't chance him and he won't chance on his own. He hasn't for four years, it happen in the next four years.
Only you can change things, by leaving. That is hard to consider, you build your life around him, maybe thinking "if I leave him I will never have anyone else".
I don't have the anwer. Maybe one thing to consider is this. What will be your future in 10 years time if stay with him or if you leave him. You tried it for four years and this the result.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 January 2009):
Wow, this is really the emotional equivilant of beating you up and when you are on the floor crying, putting the boot in.
If you do not leave him now then you will remain miserable for the rest of your life until he finally gets bored of torturing you and finds someone else to victimise instead, or you starve yourself to death.
You don't even need to confront him and tell him you are going. Just cut contact and get a new life. Get a friend to tell him it's over and if he tries to contact you that you will get a restraining order against him.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (29 January 2009):
 How can you stand to be with someone like this and for so many years!?!? You must have really low self esteem and be really insecure with yourself to put up with this, what a nasty guy!
He doesnt think your fat he likes to control and hurt you because he knows you will always come back to him!
Delete his number block his email and break free from this nobody deserves this kind of abuse and sure its only words now but who knows what the future can hold!
You are stronger then you think if you can get out of an eating diorder if you can do that then you can get away from him and find soeone who loves and respects you and who will treat you they way you deserve to be treated!
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