A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well.. Simply put. I'm leaving to go back home tomorrow and I'll be gone for a few weeks. Our friends are in town though and I wanted him to get some time with them so I said he could go out, and he promised to be home by 10 at the latest so we could still spend time together before I left. It is now 11 and his friend texted me saying they're at the strip club and he hasn't even left yet. It's not the first time he's done this either, he never comes home when he says he will... Normally it upsets me a bit.. But this time he blew me off to oggle hot girls the night before I leave... Just kinda sucks you know? Am I overreacting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): I'm on the overeacting side of things here too.
My fiancée is 100% a woman who will say "I'm just going for one after work" and end up at home wasted at 4 am.
She's always been like that, her best laid plans all go to waste after that 3rd vodka and suddenly she's in party mode and sees no reason to go home.
Now if you've discussed that you don't accept him going to strip clubs that's a different matter but you don't specifically state that is the case.
Now while it would have been nice if he was a different guy that doesn't do this kind of thing but he is. You've known he does this and you know he doesn't do it with express purpose of letting you down. If he did then I think you'd need our advice, you'd have gotten rid of him.
Personally OP I had to adapt to my fiancée's method of socializing, I see no reason why I would be pissed when I now what she's like. I mean she does often come home after only a couple but it's never something I could rely upon so I managed my expectations.
If it was your specific situation and she had something planned with her friends and I was leaving soon. I would have asked her not to go, or let her go but expected nothing in terms of time, or went with her, or factor in "us" time and our goodbyes before she went out.
OP if you don't like who he is in this way and can't adapt your expectations to suit then he's always going to "mess up" in your mind. It's not that you have to accept it of course, but then he may not be the kind of guy you should be with if this kind of drunken reliability is something you feel you need.
Personally I found it easy to adapt. I get everything in before she goes out, or I ask her not to. If you think he's the kind of boyfriend who would have happily stayed in with you instead of going out if he knew how important it would be then I think he gets a pass, but of course after letting him know how hurt it made you feel. If strip clubs is something you're also against then that too needs to be discussed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): Anon, Im sorry. I didn't mean allowed as in i'm in control of what he does. But we discussed a compromise because of the situation.. I would never straight up tell him he's not allowed to do something.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 does he lose track of time when he's out and about with his friends?why is his friend texting you and telling you what's going on with him and not just saying.. "dude did you realize how late it is you promised her you would be home?"something is being left out here... I can understand being upset that he did not come to see you as promised but if it's a common thing I think that the strip club is just a smoke screen.and why in the world is the friend texting you? something seems a bit off to me.... I'd like a follow up before I say you are over or under reacting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): Anon, Im sorry. I didn't mean allowed as in i'm in control of what he does. But we discussed a compromise because of the situation.. I would never straight up tell him he's not allowed to do something.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 April 2013):
 No.... you're UNDER-reacting!!!!
For this creep who shows so little concern for you, the PROPER "reaction" would be for you to call, text or email to him and say: "Gee, Hunchy-bunchy, I know you like those nudie girls at the strip club MORE than you like me... so I am going to set you free to spend all your time with him... whilest I get on with my life.... WITHOUT YOU!"
That would be appropriate....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 You're not over-reacting. This shows you where his priorities are. Remember that action speaks louder than words. When you meet again, I am sure he'll have all sorts of excuses. But he ditched you to hang out with his friends, an at a strip club even, and he didn't bother to notify you that he would be later/not come back at all. His friend was the one to text you.. I wonder why he didn't text you/call you himself.
This shows you his priorities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): Tbh in my opinion, I think you are overeacting. Sure if he's not going to be back at the time he should tell you straight but from this post it seems as if you will be in a mood if he didn't say he will be back at ten and now ur in a mood because he isn't when he said he would be. Therefore the boy is going to put you in a mood either way and therefore he would rather do it when he can't see it.Its also not nice for you to say 'I told him he could go out' that shouldn't be your choice
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