A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a real dilemma and I am not sure what to do. My boyfriend and I have been through a rough patch due to lack of communication on both our parts, but we had a real heart to heart today and have patched things up. It turns out that one of the messages he had left me which I never received was that he had organised for us to spend this weekend up at his relative's house as it would be the last chance we would get to see them before Christmas. However, I have arranged to meet up with a friend (for the first time in 17 years) this weekend which I told my boyfriend about. My boyfriend asked me if I would be able to reschedule since we only get to see each other at the weekends and we hardly get to see his relative either. I just don't know what to do so I asked my parents for advice but trouble is I agree with both of them. Mum said my relationship should come first on this occasion because my boyfriend and I haven't been spending enough time together lately due to us being in a long distance relationship. She recommended that I told my friend about the situation and rescheduled for in the week, explaining that it is a one-off and wouldn't happen again. However, my Dad said I should honour the arrangement with my school friend because that was the arrangement I made first.I have always lived by Dad's rule and never swayed in this rule (as I cannot stand it when people drop pre-made plans because they have had a 'better offer' with no offer of an explanation) and wonder if I would feel like I was being controlled by my boyfriend if I did reschedule. I know I need to move away from that mind set and realise that sometimes we need to give-and-take in relationships if they are to survive so wonder if maybe I should reschedule but just make it clear that I'll only reschedule this time. I do think my boyfriend and I urgently need to spend some time together.What do you guys think I should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): I am the original poster of the question. I don't think it would be viable to do both as my boyfriend and I would be going away on Saturday and coming back on Monday and my arrangement with my friend would be at Sunday lunchtime. Apparently my boyfriend had left messages for me three times last week about it but I didn't get one of them. He didn't say 'or else' because he wouldn't say something like that, he just asked if it would be possible to reschedule? In some ways I think it's not going to look very good if one minute I say to my boyfriend that I am not seeing him enough only for me to turn around and block the first plans I make, but then do I compromise my morals?
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (1 December 2008):
 Is it possible to meet the friend over the weekend and do both? If it is one chance situation that your friend is unable to reschedule, then perhaps your boyfriend is being unreasonable and controlling.
Does he not understand that you made a plan under the impression you had no plan with him. If you didn't get his message, why did he not follow up and confirm?
Let him know in the sweetest of ways that he is your boyfriend and not your husband. If he was your husband, of course he would come first. But you are both independent and have independent lives and you are very sorry that he did not confirm with you - if he had, you would not be in this position.
He is sort of being controlling now that I think about it. Don't say that to him though. That would only cause a fight. Let him know that he should have taken steps to let you know he wanted to include you in his plans. But he left a message and he didn't follow up on that. He really should have made a plan on the phone,not on a machine.
If you let him get away with having his way, OR ELSE .... he will do this forever. This sounds almost like emotional blackmail. Don't be untrue to yourself if there is an "or else" involved.
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