A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 and I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, however we have known each other for 8.I am moving in with my boyfriend in the next month and we've been speaking about getting pregnant. I know I'm only 19, but I don't go out clubbing with my friends, neither does he. We can afford it and have our own place, I'm just worried about what friends and family will think if I come home one day and tell them I'm pregnant at 19, I would be 20 when I give birth.I just wanted some opinions or experiences, thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2012): if you were actually ready for a baby you wouldnt be worried about what your parents thought, you would be ready and happy to discuss this openly with them BEFORE getting pregnant, instead of taking the wimps way out like many teenagers and pretending it was unplanned. grow up first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): when you say you ''have your own place'' this means you are simply renting, obviously you dont own your own place to live. I think you have a lot of growing up to do, a child needs stability and not parents who are still teenagers, stability comes with marriage and lifelong commitment
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): " . . but there's nothing more that I want in life."
A baby is not a prize, trophy or toy intended for YOUR personal fulfillment and satisfaction. And if your goal in life at age 19 is to do nothing more or other than breed, then you are missing out and will have missed out on so much more that life has to offer.
"It's not that I don't want to marry my boyfriend, I do want to spend the rest of my life with him."
Then tell the world by making a spitual and legal lifetime commitment to him.
"I just don't see the point in us wasting money on a wedding when we're perfectly happy as we are . . ."
Marriage is not "a waste of money," it is an investment in your and your children's future. Do you really think your
kid is going to feel safe and secure growing up in a home with unrelated shack-up parents who have absolutely no obligation and absolutely no commitment whatsoever to each other, either of whom can get up and leave in an instant without a second thought or any legal repercussions? A family consists of a household in which every member is related to every other member. Baby daddy and baby mama does not signify any kind of relationship besides a transfer of sperm.
And guess what, you're not always going to be perfectly happy. The marriage vows my late parents took contained the qualifiers "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part" for a reason: it will get worse, you very well could end up poor, one of you is very likely to become ill, and one of you will die before the other barring accident, natural disaster or dual homicide.
Until death do us part = I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.
" . . . it's the 21st century nobody has to be married to have kids anymore."
And that's exactly the problem, any teenage chick can decide she wants a baby for the any half-assed reason and go out and find some random anonymous dick to knock her up. Read any day's worth of DC archives and you'll find
sob stories from chicks whose twu wuvs dumped them for other women, leaving them stuck with kids they are completely incapable of raising and supporting on their own.
Your defensiveness (via stock, snappy answers) only betrays your obliviousness. I feel sorry for the kid who is going to have to suffer for his breeders' immaturity and cluelessness and irresponsibility. If you feel compelled to poll Internet strangers to gauge your and bf's families' reactions to your getting yourself knocked up at 19, then you are most certainly and most decidedly NOT ready to have a baby (or to become parents, either, whole different ballgame).
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 November 2012):
 take your tush to the courthouse and get married.
you will need less than 100 dollars to do so and it's worth it.
It's the 21st century but human nature has not changed and your kids will want you married. Look at Brad and Angelina... they say the only reason they are getting married is because the kids asked them to.
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (17 November 2012):
 You didn't 'have' to be married to have kids in any century... It's just the best way to go about starting a family. You do realize you can get married without it costing money right? The whole thing seems so rushed and not really a good reason for it aside from "I want it." Your original question was how your family will feel, I stand by my original post that they will be confused and disappointed that you didn't at least get married first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do realise that having a baby has a lot of consequences for me and my bank account and I know it won't be easy, but there's nothing more that I want in life. And yes both me and my boyfriend had happy homes growing up, so this isn't me trying to create my own fairytale family because I didn't have one. I know I won't have a baby next year, but I plan on becoming pregnant hopefully within the next 18 months to have the baby in 2014. Also about the marriage thing, It's not that I don't want to marry my boyfriend, I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just don't see the point in us wasting money on a wedding when we're perfectly happy as we are, it's the 21st century nobody has to be married to have kids anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): it's true what you want now, not nesseseraly what you will want when you are 25, but you will always want your baby that you had at 20.
Time changed, but only 20 years ago and many centuries before that people would never think that to have a baby in your 20s is too early. I had my daughter at 20, the only difference was that I was legally married.
This is when women had babies, in their 20s, by 30, most women were done with giving birth, and very very rare women had babies at 40. It changed over the past 20 years, 25 years olds are still called kids for some reason, though by far they passed kids age.
My daughter is 26 now finishing her graduate school. She is dating a man who is 28 for a few years. They are not kids by any definition. But I hear all the time, but your daughter is still so young to get married. How is it soooo young? When did 26 became so young to have a family.
With that said, the only thing that would concern if it was my daughter that came to me at your age saying that she is ready for a baby is if she and her husband are capable of supporting this baby. When We got married my husband was already working with a very nice salary ( he is 9 years older than me). His college was far behind him, and he was already working for 8 years. I was still in college, and had to finish with a small child on my hands. It took me another 3 years to graduate, instead of 2.
I had a very supportive family, they helped me a lot with my baby.
I also would want my daughter to finish her school, with child or without, and she would get my complete support. But as far as age goes, I would have no objection. People wait and wait to have a family. There will be always something. First, it's school, then a good job, then promotion, then traveling before baby is born, then... And a list goes on until it's too late.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2012): "I'm just worried about what friends and family will think if I come home one day and tell them I'm pregnant at 19"
A lot less of you than if you come home one day and tell them you're enagaged at 19 and will be a bride at 20. Unwed teenage pregnancy is unwed teenage pregnancy; getting yourself knocked up at 19 is statistically less disastrous than 15 but you would still be doing yourself, and more importantly the baby, a great disservice.
Agree with SVC, if you're committed enough to shack up, then you should be committed enough to get married or at least formally engaged (as in you are actually planning a wedding for which a date has been set, "fiance" is not defined as the bedmate with whom you are shacking up).
Why the rush to get knocked up with an out-of-wedlock kid? Why not see if you are actually compatible as a cohabitating couple before you bring a kid into the world? You and bf may be adults chronologically, but in terms of real-world life experience you are naive, clueless kids who in five years will be radically different people with far different goals, dreams and ambitions.
Random question: were yours and/or baby daddy-to-be's bio-fathers in the picture growing up? If so, then "life as a family like the one you never had but always wanted" is not a fairy tale ending, parenthood is a constant, thankless, unrelenting, all-consuming 24/7 grind; it is hard, hard work and fully-formed adults in stable, secure, loving MARRIAGES are usually initially semi-overwhelmed by the seismic changes wrought by a screeching, squalling kid. As two-starry-eyed teenagers playing house, you and bf are completely, totally, utterly unprepared and NOT remotely ready to assume the lifetime responsibility for another human life.
Enjoy your youth, once you have a kid then what YOU want flies out the window, you've got plenty of years to breed, don't make a mistake you are 90+% sure to quickly regret. I do not know one single person who ever waited until they were ready to have kids before they had kids (my late parents number one on that last, married at 27, first child at 30). I've known plenty who, given the benefit of hindsight, wouldn't have had kids so soon.
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (16 November 2012):
What's the rush I guess is my question. You are 19 and only have been together for 2 years, why do you need to get pregnant now? I'm sure this is the question your parents will ask as well, plus a question about having a child out of wedlock. Doing things "the right way" will keep your parents from saying negative things. There is no reason why you can't get married first and THEN have a baby. At that point there is nothing negative to say. If you don't feel ready to get married to this man then you certainly aren't ready to have a baby with him. You may both be more mature than other people your age and want different things but 2 years together and only 19 isn't the best time to have a baby, even if you both want it. My advice is to wait another couple years, get married, do everything you can together that you wouldn't be able to do with a child, save as much money as possible (even if you think you are financially ready you can be very surprised at the cost of a child), then have a baby. Playing adult at 19 rarely works out anymore, you grow too much from this age to 30. What you want now isn't the same as what you want 5 years from now. You may think because you are more mature now and you don't like clubbing like others your age that means you don't have any more growing or change coming, you certainly do. True maturity is waiting until it is the best and right time to have a baby, not going for it because you feel like it and have baby fever.
I speak from experience. I wanted a baby more than anything when I was 18 with my longtime boyfriend. We ended up not working out, as no relationship is certain to work especially at that age, and it took me 5 years before I thought I wanted kids again. If I had a child at that time I have no idea where I would've ended up. Now I am married and stable, we each have jobs and we own a house and are living on our own, but even with that it will be hard to afford a baby. It's far more expensive than I'm sure you realize. Just think very hard about what you are doing, I hope you make the choice to wait longer.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2012):
what's wrong with getting married first?
I have to say I hate this whole concept of have a baby without marriage... I have no issue with folks living together but babies I am old fashioned... just saying...
of course if you are committed enough to live together and have a child together you should be committed enough to want to get married.
that being said... I know lots of couples who had kids together at your age that were unplanned and are still together...
and if you are not asking them for help in any way then it's really not anyone's business but your own...
however 2 years at your age feels like a long time together but it's not really and what I wanted at 19 was not what I wanted at 25 and what I wanted at 25 was not what I wanted at 32... we change over time.
I can say that I Had my first child at 24 and I'm not sorry for having my kids young.... at 52 they are long grown and I'm still plenty young enough to enjoy my life without teenagers...
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