A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are both 19, we've been together for 4 months, dating for 5. Although we live less than 5mins away from each other, we only see each other once a week. We used to contact each everyday without fail, but now it's once every three or so days. He says that he likes that I'm independent and I know that's an important quality to have, to remain your own person in the relationship. But this feels ridiculous. I feel neglected. I try to contact him more often at times, and I've spoken to him about this before, but then he claims that its because he's busy with work. I know for a fact that he doesn't work so often that it'd make it difficult to contact me. I also know that he goes out with friends quite often.We're seeing a movie together in a couple of days (as per my request) and will talk to him about it on that same day. I have no idea how to bring this up again, or whether to call it quits.When we're actually together, everything's perfect. He seems fine, is caring, considerate (usually), eager to help out with things etc. I couldn't ask for more. If I leave it up to him to contact me during the week, it'll be twice.Is this even normal? Every other relationship around me, they are with each other quite often, most days.Does it sound like he's just not interested? But then is so lovely in person? I'm hesitant to break up with him, seeing as we just get along so well, so effortlessly when we're together. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, tj932012  +, writes (5 December 2012):
In relationships, no matter what there will eventually be sometimes where you and your partner may hit a road block, but it is up to the both of you to get through it together. You and your boyfriend live five minutes apart but you two spend very little time together, so now you don’t know what to do with the relationship at this point. You don’t know whether to keep trying or to just break it off. It’s normal for you to think that there is something he’s not telling you or you don’t believe in what he tells you, or he may seem like he’s trying to avoid you for some reason but, in life people should always try to earn your trust for a healthy happy relationship. But in order for this to work out the both of you must come together to talk the problems out, admit both of your wrongs, and see what the both of you want in the relationship.
One thing that is key for every relationship to be successful is communication with each other. As of now you say that he barely tries to communicate with you about your relationship and doesn’t put in the effort like you do to talk or see each other. According to the Australian Psychological Society communication is one of the most important keys to a healthy happy relationship. The both of you need to express how you feel about your position in toward the situation and talk it out to fix the communication problem. You need to get him to explain why he hasn’t been trying to talk to you as much as he did before and find out he decided to be that way in the first place. In order for this to turn around it must start with communication from the both of you.
Another big problem that is having a big effect on your relationship is the lack of time management that he is committing toward seeing you. He tells you that he has to work a lot of the time as an excuse for him not seeing you, even though you know for a fact that he doesn’t work as often as he tells you. What the both of you need to do is plan ahead of time a specific day or time that the both of you can spend time together where it won’t be a time or day when he has to work so you know that nothing can come between the two of you unless it’s an emergency or something really important that’s last minute. Studies by the Australian Psychological Society have shown that poor management of time in a relationship can slowly but surely tear apart a relationship due to the lack of time management of spending time with your loved one in a relationship.
Lastly, what most stood out in your problem was that he isn’t putting the effort to talk to you like he did toward the beginning of the relationship. You’ve been giving one hundred percent toward the relationship and now he isn’t so your expectations in the relationship aren’t being met which isn’t good. He needs to give back the same amount of effort you have been giving for the relationship to work out. It may be possible that he may have a loss of compassion toward the relationship, if so it’s up to you two to communicate to fix this problem, then he can start putting in more effort to see if you if he wants the relationship to continue.
In relationship both partners have responsibilities they have to do in order for a happy relationship. I believe this relationship can work out as long he starts committing toward the relationship with communication, time management, and putting more effort into it. Once he can start doing those things then I’m pretty sure that if he still wants to be with you than you will definitely start seeing some major improvement and the relationship will become happier.
A
female
reader, donniii +, writes (4 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous,
What is the most common struggle amongst couples? “What we’ve got here is, failure to communicate,” as been said in the movie Cool Hand Luke. Many couples face issues that involve communicating with one another, which is very normal and common. But in my opinion, some couples communicate just fine; misunderstanding is not always the issue that causes the relationship to end. In fact, many couples are quite clear about what they want and need. The problem appears to be when neither partner can, nor will give what is being asked of them. Therefore, this leads to an issue that frustrates and dissatisfies both partners due to lack of communication. Keys to resolving conflicts in relationships are willingness to consider your partner’s perspective even if you don’t fully understand it and communication.
I understand where you are coming from and why you feel this way. Every couple is different and at different stages. I understand that it may be natural to feel the urge to compare, but it is best not to because sometimes things seem good on the outside, but may not be as good as it seems on the inside. In every relationship there will be knots and frays; the knots are the strongest and most enjoyable moments, whereas the frays are the weakest and unpleasant moments in your relationship. Disagreements in a relationship are not only normal but, if positively resolved, actually strengthen the relationship. It is inevitable and normal that there will be times of sadness, pressure, or anger between you and your partner. Elizabeth Dickson, a psychotherapist, says, “Moments of conflict in a relationship can offer the greatest opportunity for intimacy and personal growth.” It is true that once you resolve a problem, you and your partner become more attracted to each other physically and emotionally.
Also, considering your partner’s perspective could help build a healthy relationship. You and your partner may have different priorities currently. Perhaps, he enjoys being with friends or prefers to have alone time. This is not necessarily right or wrong. It could simply mean that some people are ready for certain things at certain times, whereas others may not yet be. You may be ready to step the relationship up by being together more and lessen the time spent with friends and he may not be. This does not mean that the relationship is not good, but it may mean the timing is different for the both of you. As for your boyfriend, work could be a major influential factor to why you guys do not see each other too often. There could be a chance that he works many hours a week and does not have time to involve himself in the relationship as much as you are involved. This is where consideration comes in play. Be considerate of your partner and try to see things from his point of view and that could avoid many problems in the future.
It would be sad to let a relationship with great potential go due to lack of communication. However, your concerns are real and should be addressed. In the article “Poor Communicators: Stop Harm & Save Relationships” by Preston Ni, Brian Tracy, a motivational speaker and an author in the psychology field, states that, “Communication is a skill that you can learn. It's like riding a bicycle or typing. If you're willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life." I think the best thing you can do when you have the talk with him is let him know how you feel about him. Tell him how good you think the relationship is between the two of you, but explain that you think you both may have different ideas of how the relationship should be as the present time. Tell him you would like to go over what it is you both want and see for the relationship to be sure you are both on the same page. Tell him you don't want to force him to be ready for something he is not, but do think the relationship is wonderful and would like more of it. Try and find out what it is he wants in order to determine if you feel the relationship will eventually lead on the path you are looking towards or if you feel you both just have completely differently goals and there is no hope of it changing in the near future.
I believe talking about your relationship is a very important factor and getting to the point of whether or not you both are on the same page. I do not see that it is a question of if he cares about you or if the relationship is good or not. He does seem to care about you by what you wrote as well as seem interested in you. It is more based on the fact of you both having different goals and priorities in a relationship at the present time. This is why if you both can discuss these issues directly I think you will be able to get to the bottom of this in order to make a decision best for the both of you whether it be stay together as is for now, make a compromise, separate, or etc. At least you will be on the same page, do what necessary, and then go from there. I wish you both the best and hope things work out. If you have any more questions or need clarification about this then please do not hesitate to ask me I am here to help.
For more information about communication and relationship advice, check out the following Web sites:
http://relationshiprealizations.com
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201211/poor-communicators-stop-harm-save-relationships?page=2
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A
male
reader, SD23 +, writes (4 December 2012):
Being in a relationship can be a beautiful experience for both partners, and in order to maintain that healthy relationship you must have the proper foundation. The foundation that any relationship is built on is trust, understanding, and good communication. In your relationship it seems that you’re lacking some of the tools in order to keep a successful relationship. It is apparent that you aren’t really able to communicate your feelings with your partner effectively. In your particular situation it is really critical that you are able to communicate with your partner to let him know how you’re feeling. If you aren’t able to bring up your concerns with your boyfriend you won’t ever be able to resolve the issues at hand. It could be that you are either afraid to communicate your feelings, or just don’t feel that it is necessary. It is very important that you tell him what’s going on in your mind. Most couples today have similar problems with communication, but it can easily be fixed by just having a talk with your partner. By just communicating your feelings with your partner it will allow you to bring up any problems you have and seek a proper solution to them. Communicating effectively with your partner will also create a sense of trust and understanding that will help you to build a strong relationship.
In order to improve your relationship you have to build your foundation from the ground up. You shouldn’t feel as if the relationship can’t work, but instead you should look at it as a way to make your relationship even stronger. Imagine that your relationship is a house; every house needs the proper foundation in order to stand upright. If you remove one part of the foundation the home will come crumbling down. If you lack one of the pieces that makes up the foundation of the house it won’t stand. In your situation you lack the proper communication skills, which don’t allow you to build trust or gain understanding. By having good communication skills you are allowing yourself to understand how your partner is feeling. You need to listen to your partners needs and see if there is something he may also want out of you. If he is able to share his feelings with you it will allow you to have some insight on how he is feeling, and you can both come up with ways to solve it. You will be able to understand what he is going through which will also help him to listen what your concerns are also. If you are both able to accept each other’s feelings and work to solve them then your situation will be fixed.
I would assume that since you have been together for five months you are able to trust your partner by now, but it seems that you don’t really trust your partner. Communicating with your partner is the best way to begin trusting him again. You said that you don’t believe he is at work for as long as he says he is, which shows that there is a lack of trust between both of you. This can be a major problem if it is not addressed because according to Dr. Daniel Bornstein, most of relationships today fail because there are trust issues within the relationship. No need to worry, there is nothing good communication can’t solve. If you can begin to communicate your doubts about his work with him, he will most likely he will explain to you what is really going on. By letting him explain his side of the relationship, and what is really going on it will stop your speculation of what you think he is doing. Subsequently, it will create more trust in your relationship because you will know where he is actually spending all of his time at. You won’t have to question him which will help you regain your trust back. If he does however fabricate his story and you can feel that he is lying then that becomes a major trust issue. Be sure that he isn’t lying to you and call him out when he does. See if there is a reason he would be lying to you to cover something up. If you are able to communicate with him you will be able to find this all out.
Not only does communicating help build trust in your relationship, but it also builds understanding. In your situation it is important that you understand where you boyfriend is coming from. It is evident that your boyfriend does a lot of work. Maybe if you were to communicate your concerns about his long hours he would look to reduce or restructure them in order to spend more time with you. Communicating with your boyfriend will allow you to gain more understanding of the situation you are in. It will allow you to understand his schedule and plan around that. You can make time around his work schedule and plan a trip to the movies or somewhere you can spend time with each other. It just had to be clear that you need to understand where he is coming from because relationships are a two sided bond. You have to listen to your other partners needs and respond to them with understanding. The best way to understand where you boyfriend is coming from is again through communication.
Trust and understanding can be found through communicating. That is why they all tie in together when building the foundation of your relationship. If you are able to communicate with your partner you will gain trust and understand them. According to BetterHealth.gov Communication is important in relationships as it allows us to share interests, aspirations and concerns, to support each other, to organize our lives and make decisions, and to work together in caring for children. Effective communication is about the way we talk and listen, and about our body language. If you are able to effectively communicate with your partner you will set up the foundation for your relationship and your problem will be fixed. You should take the time to communicate your feelings with him and also listen to his feelings. Communication is the keystone of any relationship and it is really critical in yours.
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A
male
reader, leggomadiego +, writes (4 December 2012):
From the joyous relationships we all witness in life, to the abusive relationships we all hear about from our peers; one thing all of those relationships have in common is that they all require a tremendous amount of effort and attention. The situation you have described to me definitely sounds like your relationship is lacking both effort and attention. Before we begin to search for the solution to your problem, let’s analyze what exactly fuels a healthy relationship. In a sense, being in a relationship is a lot like planting a seed; if you don’t give the seed adequate water, sunlight, and attention, it will never blossom into the flower you truly desire it to be. The only difference between the concept of planting a flower seed and beginning a relationship is that a healthy relationship works both ways. Planting a flower seed requires you to give while a healthy relationship requires you to give and take. Your boyfriend is undeniably taking the effort you give to him, but he is not returning the favor by making an equal effort; I intend to help you teach him how.
Imagine two people making a commitment to each other; now try to imagine them both high up in the sky, standing on opposite sides of a tight rope, with a sturdy platform floating near the center of it. Now, unless they’re experts at walking on a tight rope, getting to the platform might pose as a huge challenge for our couple. For example, if one begins to move too fast, the rope will start to bounce, causing them both to lose balance and fall to their end. If both decide to not move at all, eventually, they will grow tired, lose balance, and fall to their end. If they decided to step towards the center of the rope at the same time, as opposed to one at a time, they would eventually reach safety on the sturdy platform. By now you’re probably wondering if I truly am here giving you advice or if I just have an odd obsession with couples on tightropes. Rest assured, as I am, that I truly relate to what you’re going through and that I am here to give you helpful advice.
The whole purpose of visualizing a couple on a tightrope was to help you understand the essential qualities of a successful relationship; patience, communication, and reciprocity. Without the sense of patience, our couple would not have been able to slow down and analyze their situation. Without the sense of communication, our couple would not have been able to plan out their method of reaching the platform. Most importantly, without a sense of reciprocity, our couple would not have been able to move at the tempo needed to make sure the rope would not bounce. In the article, “Will You Give Me Love in Return?” by Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D. it states that “the lack of reciprocity, that is, the knowledge that you are not loved by your beloved, usually leads to a decrease in love intensity, and ultimately, to humiliation. This decrease does not tend to be immediate; the one suffering from unrequited love persists in trying to win the other's heart.” Without reciprocity, there are no mutual feelings, and this is why it belongs as the most important fundamental to a successful growing relationship. While it seems like your boyfriend is lacking in the “communication” and “reciprocity” aspects of the tightrope situation; that does not necessarily mean you shouldn’t have any hope.
In a relationship, the bonds that weaken can be mended back ten times as strong. Don’t be discouraged; there is always hope. Also, keep in mind that you both are still in an early period of the relationship. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you two to communicate with each other. Now is truly the best time to reveal what you both expect out of this commitment, your issues with each other, etc. Discover each other thoroughly, figure out if the feeling is mutual, and do it with your head held high. For all we know, he could be metaphorically “in the dark” and not even know what’s going on. For example, John M. Grohol, Psyd, author of the article “9 Steps to Better Communication Today” states that “the most popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you’re automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it’s primarily about everyday, “surfacey” topics (‘how were the kids?’ ‘how was work?’ ‘how’s your mother?’), you’re not really communicating about the important stuff.” If he is as “caring” and “considerate” as you say he is, I’m sure he’ll be truly grateful that you brought it to his attention. That’s why it is so important for you to bring it up to him.
Getting to the center platform on a tightrope is a task that some couples spend their whole lives trying to complete. While it’s not always an easy task, having fun while doing it makes a huge difference. After all, you two are in a relationship to enjoy being together, right? If you enjoy being together, then you should work towards being able to enjoy speaking with each other as well. As long as one of you makes an attempt to reestablish that enjoyable sense of communication, there should be no issues with the outcome. Just remember the three keys to a successful relationship; Patience, communication, and reciprocity. If you learn to have more patience and seek to reestablish an awesome line of communication, the reciprocity should come naturally. I wish you both the best of luck in reaching the middle of the tightrope. Let me know if this was helpful!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200810/will-you-give-me-love-in-return
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today/all/1/
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A
male
reader, MrKnowItAll +, writes (29 November 2012):
Dear anonymous writer, I’ve put lots of thought into your situation after reading it over a few times. It seems that you defiantly need someone you can trust and talk to if you are not already doing so. Talking to a friend will relieve some stress towards your problem. Communication is a huge trait that can keep a healthy relationship, without it you cannot meet the expectations of your spouse. I believe that is something both you and your spouse lack. Also keep in mind that before communication comes trust. You may be drifting away from being from your independence and are staring to lean on your boyfriend. Your loss of independence may be causing you to overthink and complicate what’s going on with you two. According to the art of solving relationship problem an article written by Robert Taibbi, and published in Psychology Today. The first three steps towards solving your problems are to define your problem and solution, plan a time to talk, and talking and listening.
If you to have been together for five months you should be able to share your feeling with him freely which you should already be doing. If he doesn’t know how serious your current situation is, then that could be why he acts as if everything is fine when you are together. You should also know him well enough to know how and when to speak with him. When you confront him try to focus on what will please him and please you, remember you don’t want him to feel attacked by you or you will just push him away. Work with him and come to a solution that you are both satisfied with. You say he claims to be working and that’s why he doesn’t spend as much time with you as he used to. It doesn’t sound like you believe that, meaning you don’t have a lot of trust in him. Trust is something you earn from someone. Make him want to earn your trust again. If he really cares for you then there should be no problem there. Don’t expect what you are not going to get. If he is at work and cannot call you and you are expecting a call from him, obviously you are not going to get it. It doesn’t mean you should trust him any less than you once did. A lot of relationship problems are just big misunderstandings and this could be one of them.
When you confront him remind him of how things used to be with you two, how he used to spend more time with you and call you more often. Stress on showing him how much you miss all that attention from him instead of telling him that you do. This way he will see that you are really affected by his neglect ion towards you and will put more effort into making things better. If he doesn’t call you every day try giving him a call, maybe he is waiting for your call and isn’t getting it. Study your spouse and how to handle these sticky situations with him. Always trust your instincts, and listen to that inner voice, it will never fail you. Don’t rush into something you cannot untie, and don’t break up with him to soon try to work things out. If they don’t then perhaps you two are not cut out for one another. Do what feel right and what truly makes you happy.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
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A
female
reader, Bdavis414 +, writes (6 November 2012):
Well I'm glad you plan on talking to him about it. Communication between two people is very important. Listen to what he says. You'll know if he's bullshitting you. And if you talk it out and nothing changes, well then you have a choice to make. My motto? If a guy wants to see you or be with you, he will. No doubt about it. You want a guy who's going to be there for you. Give him a chance and talk to him. No regrets. 3
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