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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend says that our relationship is getting too much and is a chore. I don't want to leave him. What can I do??Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 March 2005):
 There isn't much detail there about what aspects of your relationship he thinks are so taxing. A few points to ponder:1. Are there really a lot of distractions in his life right now, putting romance on the "back burner"? Things like exams, work stresses, family troubles, ill health?2. Have you two been arguing a fair bit, leading him to think that it's just too much work, or that you both want different things from your relationship?3. Does he feel pressured by you to "commit" to marriage or kids, if he's not ready?4. Are you given to Drama Queen theatrics?Not that I mean to lay all the blame on you! But something here is making your b/f feel that staying with you is "too much work" -- and that's a different kettle of fish to the usual break-up lines like "I'm attracted to someone else", "I hate your Army tattoos" or "The voices said to leave you". ;o)You need to ask - kindly, patiently and quietly - if he could give you specifics of what the core issue of his unhappiness is, so that you can deal with that. If it's something mundane, like he wants to put his feet on the coffee table when he watches TV but you don't let him, you two may be able to reach a compromise. However, it's probably going to be something deeper than that.In a case where someone wants to break up with you, sadly, there isn't any way you can stop it. If someone doesn't want to be with you, then you can only be brave and let them go. Try to picture yourself stamping your foot and screaming at him to keep loving you... Weird mental image, huh? Well, that's what some people imagine they can do, and frankly, it's crap. You can't force someone to stay with you.What you can do is accept at face value what your b/f tells you (provided he's willing to talk) and reflect on yourself if it's valid. Maybe you're too bossy. Maybe you let your mum interfere with your life. Maybe he hates that you wear green and pink at the same time. Whatever it is, think about it and take it on as something that can be perceived as a problem. Then decide if there's anything you can and WANT to do to rectify that problem.It won't keep your boyfriend with you if he's really ready to go, but you'll improve yourself for the future and be a better person overall. Now, there's a silver lining.Good luck and be strong.
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