A
female
age
30-35,
*ristenUSA
writes:My bf is upset about what I did in a past relationshipI am with my current bf for about a year and a half now, going on two years. We met in college and have a great relationship.My bf and I recently went back home to my family for the Thanksgiving holiday (a US holiday at the end of November). My bf got to meet some of my friends back at home. Several of us all went out together one night and we were all drinking and having a great time. Then we happened to get on the subject of sexual fantasies. We were all joking around and laughing about some outrageous things we might try, but just joking around. Then one of the girls mentioned that she wanted to try a man, man, woman threesome with her bf and a guy friend. All of us were like ooooooo! That is so kinking and joking around with her, then she accidently mentioned that I had tried it a few times with my old bf – which was true, but I never thought she would mention anything about it. I never told my current bf that I ever did that with my old bf. I am not sure why, maybe because I was not sure how he would react, or maybe it was just too early to talk about kinky stuff like that with him. I am not really sure why I didn’t say anything. So now my bf is a bit mad at me that he had to find out about the 3 ways when we were out drinking like that, and that I never told him myself. My bf is also upset that I never offered to do anything like that with him since I did it with my old bf. So I am not sure what to do. My bf is obviously upset. I don’t know if I should talk to my bf about the 3 ways. I am not sure if he wants me to offer to do them with him since I did it with my old bf, or he just wants the chance to say no to doing it after I offer.Can anyone give me some good advice on how to handle your bf when he finds out about something about your old relationships.Thankx
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 January 2013):
 You say in your original post that you have a 'great relationship.' But now it sounds as though you don't trust him or his motivations. Do you two lack clear communication skills? Do you not trust him when he tells you something?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 A guy wanting a threesome with his girlfriend because he found out she did it before is the worst reason I can think of for having a threesome. Sex isn't a competition. The problem is you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't now. If you don't agree he'll freak out because you gave it to your ex but not him, and if you do he'll go through with it but then still probably think badly about you and it afterwards.
The person i'd be mad with in your situation is your friend. You don't 'accidentally' let slip information like that in front of someone's new partner. That's really unacceptable in my book, I'd be reading her the riot act.
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male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Kristen, I think what your boyfriend really wants to hear is that you don't want to have anyone else involved in your sex life, that you want only him
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female
reader, KristenUSA +, writes (4 January 2013):
KristenUSA is verified as being by the original poster of the question I spoke with by bf about doing a 3way with him and he said he wants to now try it. I am only concerned that he want to do this because of what i did with my old bf, and not because he wants to try something new with me. Should i be concerned that he might want to do this for the wrong reasons? is what i did with my old bf enough reason to do the same with my current bf?
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A
female
reader, KristenUSA +, writes (27 December 2012):
KristenUSA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone for responding.I dont think the issue right now is whether or not my relationship will last, but how to handle the issue at hand.I didnt feel comfortable just letting things hang so I did bring things up with my bf after xmas.I did tell my bf that if he ever wanted to talk about the issue (what i did with my old bf) that we could talk about it. I told him that it was before we ever went out, and in an old relationship. I also told him that we have never discussed our old relationships, and that I think its ok not to talk about certian things about our old relationships with a new bf or gf, and that I never asked him about his old gf's either.So once I mentioned this to him, my bf started to talk. He told me that he was just initially surprised to hear what I did and from my friends joking about it like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): I completely agree with Serpico's answer. Yes, this relationship is probably doomed eventually. I don't think your BF deserves blame for it either. (Although there will be plenty of people telling you he is in the wrong.)The only reason that his moral feelings have suddenly become a problem is because you lied by omission to get a BF who did not agree with your morals in the first place. If he had known the truth then I think he would probably never have chosen to develop a relationship with you. That is why I think he will eventually break it off now that he knows the truth too. He may soldier on and try to be "mature" and deal with it for a while, but I suspect that won't last. And if it does last it will not be because it stopped bothering him. It will only be because he has chosen to shut up and swallow his bad feelings, which will NEVER get any better.You said you don't know why you kept your past a secret from him. I think you just sensed that the truth would turn him off, so you kept it from him. Maybe it was conscious or maybe it was subconscious on your part, but IMHO that is what happened.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 December 2012):
For starters, he is not being "immature," its that his views of sex seem to be pretty mainstream, while yours are not. Neither is necessarily right or wrong. He is no more immature than you are immoral.
I can tell you the threesome thing bothers him more than he's letting on, and more than you think. A lot more.
Re the threesomes, its not a coincidence that you are no longer with "D." You can claim it was the transfer, but I don't know of a single credible story where a couple had a threesome that turned out well. "J" may or may not choose to do it with you, but it will be more out of anger or one-upsmanship rather than true desire to do so. If it bothers him now, actually doing it will bother him even more.
Don't want to be Debbie downer her, but Id be beyond shocked if "J" was still with you in 6-12 months.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 December 2012):
Hi, you added me on your friend list, so is that a message that you want me to comment on this question?
A couple of observations. A lot of things just seem to "happen." You happen to hang out with your friends and the subject of previous exotic sexual encounters comes up.
"Several of us all went out together one night and we were all drinking and having a great time. Then we happened to get on the subject of sexual fantasies. We were all joking around and laughing about some outrageous things we might try, but just joking around. Then one of the girls mentioned that she wanted to try a man, man, woman threesome with her bf and a guy friend. All of us were like ooooooo! That is so kinking and joking around with her, then she accidently mentioned that I had tried it a few times with my old bf – which was true, but I never thought she would mention anything about it.
I never told my current bf that I ever did that with my old bf. I am not sure why, maybe because I was not sure how he would react, or maybe it was just too early to talk about kinky stuff like that with him.
I am not really sure why I didn’t say anything."
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You talked frankly with the first boyfriend but not with the second. Why you chose that approach isn't something anyone here can explain to you. Only you know why you that is the stance you took.
It's a bit wishy washy.
You don't have to have any kind of sex you don't wish to have. Be firm about that.
If you want a threesome, then have one. If you don't wish to have a threesome, of whichever combination, don't.
If you don't want your friends to share your private sex life details, don't share them with anyone.
Be honest with the new boyfriend about what your sexual limits.
You do not have to anything you do not wish to do. If you don't want to have a threesome, be clear about that.
Do not allow things to just "happen" if they are not what you wish to happen.
Draw some boundaries and stick to them if you are concerned about what others think.
If you don't know what the boundaries look like for you right now, well decide. It's up to you. Be brave.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (19 December 2012):
The real problem is that you don't understand what his problem is. What you fid is not that wierd or unusual but it is far from normal. You don't say anything about your boyfriends past experiences because if he has enjoyed casual sex then theres not much difference in what you did and his reaction maybe because of the way he found out, or maybe that it appears like you were hiding this. However, if he is a bit old fashioned and still thinks sex hes something to do with love then discovering that it was just entertainment to you might well have blown his mind and will end whatever relationship you have. He might think of all the times he thought he was making love whilst for you it was fun sex. When you find out something you partner did and hid from you the feelings are mixed up, he feels hurt by the person he trusted and maybe even tricked or cheated. Only time will stop his extreme feelings but if you are going to have a relationship then you have to talk and he has to understand that everyone has a different path to where they are now. I really dont think his problem is jealousy, as someone has mentioned, sharing the partner you love is not high on the list of most guys.
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (19 December 2012):
I would wait for him to bring it up, then try to have a calm discussion with him about his feelings. Remember, not everyone is open to the idea of being joined by a third person in an intimate setting.
If he doesn't bring it up and behaves in a passive-aggressive manner towards you (snide remarks, ignoring you, deliberately doing things that irritate you, speaking down to you in a group setting in an attempt to embarrass you, etc.), then you need to be the one to calmly and privately bring up the topic.
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male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (19 December 2012):
If This happened to me I wouldn't want a threesome, I wouldn't be upset that you that you had them in your past, what would really upset me is the way he found out, it would of made him feel a complete fool
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female
reader, KristenUSA +, writes (19 December 2012):
KristenUSA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You Candid Cally for writing back so quickly.With my old bf “D” we talked about the threesome for a while before we even tried it, and then we seemed to like them so we did them a few times more. We ended up breaking up because D ended up transferring into a much better program in another university, and after a few months, we both decided it was time to see other people. With my current bf “J”, we have never talked about doing threesomes. I didn’t like his initial reaction, and I do think it was somewhat immature getting so mad just because I never told him something I did in another relationship. Do I think “J” can handle the situation as an adult? I don’t know, I think I would have to talk with him about it so he is sure that he understands what actually happens and how he might feel about it after. Does this make sense?Do I want to have a threesome with “J”? Under the right conditions it could be fun. I have done them before and enjoyed them, but “D” was a different kind of bf, he was much more easy going than “J”.What if “J” wanted to do it with me and another woman? I am open to trying a woman woman man situation as long as he is open to a man man woman one. I have done the 2 guys threesome and I know I can handle it and do enjoy it so we would probably be more successful at that one first, but I am fully open to trying a 2 woman one depending on what exactly he would expect me to do.So should I initiate a discussion with him about it, or just let him simmer for a while until he brings it up again?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): You did it in the past and its haunting you. Assume this realtionship does end, do you want the next guy to think that you have no self respect and enjoy threesomes. Not many guys like to share their woman and let alone commit to someone that they have had threesomes also those relationships end up with lots of issues.
Dont do something you will regret. Tell him that was your wild days and you have changed and love him only therefore in a totally monogomous relationship. Your past is your past, but you want to move forward.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (19 December 2012):
This is about what you want and whether he is mature enough to handle the situation like an adult.
Do you want to have a threesome with your current boyfriend? Do you think he is mature enough to handle a threesome with another man? What if he would prefer another woman?
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