A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is depressed. We have had an amazing relationship, no arguments and lots of fun. We have been together for 7 months but on month 3 we switched into a long distance relationship and it was really good until April when he started getting depressed and not wanting to spend as much time together. He says he is depressed and doesn't feel the same way towards anything anymore. Our communication is still often but not as much as it use to be. He says he cares about me and that I am important but he doesn't feel the same. I think it is his depression because he keeps flip flopping his emotions. One moment he is extremely talkative, lovey dovey calling me dear and beautiful and wanting to cuddle, but the next he is distance and doesn't want to be around me. I feel like his depression is causing his feelings to get confused because when he is fine our relationship is amazing. I have asked him to go get help but he hasn't even though he says he will, he has no motivation. I can't help him unless he wants to help himself. But with him not wanting to help himself it is putting a strain on our relationship and upsets me. I've cried a lot over it here lately and he tells me he is sorry over and over but that he just doesn't know what to do.How can I help him and help our relationship? I feel like our relationship can be saved because before this it was wonderful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): I think he feels pressured to tell you he loves you, or you will not take things seriously. You said in your second post that you love him; so of course he feels he has to tell you he loves you. We are often too eager to hear the words; but it may take our partner a little time to reach it sincerely. It's too soon for either of you to have profound feelings; because in all reality, true feelings take time to grow. Like a seedling to a sprout, to a bloom. Not all at once. Then you will find yourself backtracking; because everything happened too fast.
I will not even debate the "love at first sight" nonsense; because every lasting relationship I've ever witnessed, or ever had, took time to grow, develop, and evolve. Six months is hardly any time to be well-established about how you feel. You've chosen to be exclusive, and to give it a try. So just reassure him that you're not going anywhere and you do care deeply. You also need time to see how things go. Too soon to move in together; when he isn't even sure how he feels. You don't have time for that kind of childish-indecisiveness. Say so, in so many words. Let's be adults here.
Tell him exactly how you feel about his feelings being all over the place. Reading your second post, it kind of makes sense. He thinks you're eager to be told; but realized he hasn't gotten there yet. Let him know you both need to tone it down about declaring the L-word; and just work at what you have. Let him also know that you don't really have time for games. If you feel insecure with his feelings; you really can't promise him you can stick around. Agree to both take it slow. I think people rush the L-word, and it scares the dickens out of us.
Let him know that you would prefer he tells you what he really feels, over telling you what you want to hear. Establish honesty and communication between you NOW!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry my reply is so late, been traveling all day. What confused me is that a week before our 6 month he said "I love you." But the week after he told me that he thought about it and should never have said it because he doesn't love me and he doesn't know if he sees marriage in our future and that he cared for me but not like that, and then said it was my decision if we broke up or not. After talking to him for awhile I got from him that he didn't want to loose me (he broke down crying) and didn't know why he felt like that. He said he has been stressed from work and depressed and since ill be gone all summer working in another state he thought he should say "I love you" because he was scared I would find a guy there and then dump him.(Which I have no intention of doing). Then he mentioned that maybe we should move in together to see if I could become marriage material. Its just so confusing and wishy washy I do love him and think we are great together. He was so sweet and romantic today before I boarded my plane. But it took him awhile to say "ill miss you too" and he defiantly didn't cry like I did ot say "I love you too" when I told him I did and tried to reassure him that I wouldn't find another man here.But he did get quiet and mopy when I tried to talk about him getting help so we can be helped. Which then made him a but emotional. Hes all over the place. :-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): All depression is not clinical depression requiring treatment. Although he should see his general practitioner; if he has a lingering feeling of lethargy and confusion that won't seem to subside. He may be homesick if he is a very long distance away. LDR's aren't for everyone. You couldn't make me do it if you put a gun to my head.
Your relationship may be running its course naturally, and he is having mixed feelings about letting it continue. It isn't easy finding the right time or words to tell someone when you want out; especially when they are extremely loving and affectionate. He can only keep up a facade for so long; before he simply comes clean with you.
He isn't seeking treatment perhaps because he knows he doesn't need it. Your relationship hasn't really been that long; and it seems to be reaching that point where he just may be losing interest. Lovey dovey talk means nothing, because that's all it is. Sweet-talk doesn't affirm anything about a relationship. You gauge his feelings by his actions and how he treats you. If you ask me, it just sounds like a guy who wants to breakup, and doesn't know how to tell you. Time for a heart to heart talk.
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