A
female
age
41-50,
*handniguglani
writes:Currently my ex-boyfriend broke off with me as he says he has a mental block re my past relationship which lasted for 5 years. I was with a guy who was married and when the previous relationship started 5 years ago we were friends and then we had a relationship after his marriage. This relationship of 5 years was long distance and we met only 5-8 times in 5 years. I had told my current boyfriend when we started, everything, clearly, and he was shocked and helped me get over it. He said we can try to work this out but after 4-5 months being in it he says my past is a mental block. We moved in with each other and it was great. Went for holidays to spain, paris, venice and he says it's great with me. for him i was the first girl he has sex with. He was so confused about our marriage as it was so good and great that he told his mum about me and my past. His mother is so great that she has accepted me and told him if he is ready, then she would love to have me. Now his whole family, aunts, and uncles and parents love me but he says he has a mental block to take this forward for marraige. He and me have been trying to cut this relaitonship for 6 months but it's not happening. we get back together every 10 days. Now he says he wants to see girls for marriage. His mother says he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. His family is in touch with me and worse is we work together. he says he will never get anyone like me, but if he takes this forward it would not be good for future. He says the mental block is not letting his love grow. what should i do?
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female
reader, ShiShisAdvice  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 First of all wake up and realize you never had a "relationship" with this married man. You simply allowed him to sleep with you when he came to town. Next, you should have known you NEVER tell a man about how many lovers you had in the past. Eh-ver.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): You are his first, he is not yours. This can make trouble. It's totally natural for men to feel this way even though it is trouble and it does not help anything. The truth is that it probably won't ever go away for him.
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A
female
reader, chandniguglani +, writes (1 January 2011):
chandniguglani is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy relationship with the former man ended a year ago and i am not in touch with the former at all. no communication at all with him and my current boyfriend knows it. my current says he has a mental block and his love could not grow to the extent mine grew and cannot get married. but he cares for me alot and everyone says we make a fabulous couple. Infact he says he wont be able to find a girl like me. he finds me perfect but he says mental block is not going. Now he wants to see girls for marriage as his fatehr is 76 and he says he needs to settle down. his mother aunts and uncle all love me and have been trying to convince him to forget the past and now look at the current. i dont know what i should do as i love him alot and i dont know how to do anything mpore. Now he says i am trying to hard. will his mental bloclk get over as he says my former man used me for sex and he wanted to know all details of my sex life. infact my sex life with the current man is very very good. he is very very happy and so am i. he finds us perfect in everyway but he says the mental block is there
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A
female
reader, chandniguglani +, writes (1 January 2011):
chandniguglani is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast year in jan 2010 i had stopped all communication with my old boyfriend who was married. I dont know where he is now and we have never communicated ever since. My current boyfriend is a bit of controlling and he gets very upset about my old relationship. I dont talk about it at all but when any topic comes of anything he will bring it and i dont know how to tell him i dont think of him any more. The truth is that i dont even think of my old boyfriend at all and i addmitted all details to my current. my current said my old boyfriend used me for sex only and he wanted to know all details of the sex life. The strange thing is that me and my current boyfriend have lived in for 4-5 months and then suddenly he says he still cant get over it. he says he has a mental block of my past and till that goes he cant do anything. he is now broken off with me and wants to see girls for marriage. he knows i love him alot and says he knows he wont able to find a girl like him and all his family loves me. even his mother is unable to change his mind. i dont know what to do and right now he ha cut off and doesnt want to be with me. he says we both are messed up. he knew me from 2 years before we started this relationship and he waas the one who started this relationship and asked me out. now we are best of friends and he says he is used to me. i know he cares for me alot. how do i get over his mental block and will he ever get over it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): I went through this with my wife. Since getting away from the former man took a toll on you he feels like he has to compete with the love you had with your former man. He's not sure if you love him less, the same, or more than your former man. He probably also questions if he's a rebound or the man you depend on for taking care of your emotions sort of like a safe haven blanket and not really a significant other in love. It's a tough situation because he probably thinks you're not sincere because you feel like you owe him relations rather than typical attraction-natural relation that drives boyfriend-girlfriend.
Remember your boyfriend knows all the emotional details with your emotional entanglement with the former man since he was your rescuer. That's a lot to shoulder and compete with.
A few things that gave me cold feet were (1) my wife continued a friendship with her former. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. It's inappropriate and presents to much of a high risk of relapse. My wife repeatedly assured me it would never happen but word is no good here. Every relationship and marriage has trying times and it's those trying times that could've enticed my wife to easily seek comfort in her former which we all know how that most times gives rise to affair so on and so on. I gave my wife a choice, either him or me. She my wife so the obvious answer.
Do you and your former man meet up or interact by phone, etc? This would be a huge insecurity presenter like what I explained before.
You haven't given detail about your relation with the former man but I got a feeling its your current involvement with your former guy that's shaving away at the relationship. By what you've said action on your part should be taken fast. Your boyfriend's loosening ties with you to protect himself. Control of all of this lies with you so prove you're in it with him for life and would never hurt him by returning to your former guy. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Secretlife  +, writes (1 January 2011):
He is confused about what he wants. I can tell he really loves you. He will come around and realize that he loves you too much to eva let go of you. Just give him some time
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