A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right so, I am an 18 year old girl. Recently, I spent the week with my boyfriend at a cottage in Wales. It was just a nice little holiday for the two of us. My grandmother told me on the phone yesterday that my father and his sister (my Aunt Lucy) are very angry about this. They don't approve of my relationship (boyfriend is a few years older) and they don't approve of the alone time we spent at the cottage. And this makes ME angry.The thing is, my parents have been divorced for 15 years. My father lives in a completely different side of England to me, and I rarely see him. I get the odd phone call every few weeks. He is not helping to fund my education, and throughout my childhood, never paid child support. I know he loves me, but in the father area, he hasn't been the best. As for Lucy, she and I are not close. We never have been. She lives around the same area as my Dad, so I never get to see her. We never, ever speak on the phone. The only communication we have is when she sends a birthday card or we spend an hour or so talking in the rare chance I do get to visit my Dad.I don't want to sound like one of those bratty kids who says "I hate my parents, they don't know anything, blah blah!" But at the same time, it makes me feel very angry that they'd even have the nerve to tell me their opinion on this. They've never been active in my life really, and it feels like they just decide to have an opinion when it suits them.I spoke to my Mum about this and she suggested standing up to my Dad for once, telling him I'm 18 years old, I'm a good person, I make smart choices, and he needs to respect my decisions. My Dad has a temper and I'm just scared he'll take it out on me or my boyfriend. But I am sick to death of this. I just want to stand up to him once and for all and set him straight on the matter.I'm phoning him up later to say hello (it's been weeks since we've spoken) and I know he's going to give me all kinds of grief for staying with my boyfriend. Do I have the right to defend it and tell him how I feel? Or should I ignore it, because he's my father and has a right to an opinion on my life?Just wondering. Thanks!
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (15 January 2008):
 I would defend it hun. You're absolutely right and I would be pissed off too. He cant play the dad card when it suits him. He cant just not be there for you and not play an active role in your life but still expect to be there to hand out his opinions on decisions you make. If he's so bothered about whats going on in your life, who your boyfriend is, where you go, how you are and how your life is turning out then he should be more involved than the occassional phone call every couple of weeks and not bothering to help pay for your education and never even paid child support. thats not on, he cant have it both ways. im sorry if this sounds harsh and im trying to watch how i word things cos i know he's still your dad and you dont want anyone badmouthing him, but the man never even paid child support. he cant say he took his role as a parent seriously or responsibly. so why does he think you should listen to what he has to say now that you're an adult and dont need him? you've been raised by your mother, the job is done. hes a bit late trying to come in as the caring, worried, protective, responsible father.
anyway you are an adult now and its not up to him to decide who you date. as long as you are safe and making mature decisions (which it sounds like you are and even your mum is happy with the choices you make) then he needs to let go. and god knows where your aunt gets off sticking her oar in, she isn't raising you, she's not your parent, she doesnt get to tell you what you are and arent allowed to do. to put it bluntly, its jack all to do with her and it sounds like she's jealous and needs to get a life of her own.
as for your dad, treat him with the same respect he treats you. you're an adult now. you wouldnt let him rule your life if you were a 50 year old adult, why should you let him rule it when you are an 18 year old adult? tell him you respect his opinion but would like him to respect your decision and you dont get to make the decisions in his love life just like he doesnt get to make the decisions in yours.
A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (15 January 2008):
 Well at 18 you are technically an adult. I don't see a problem with you spending time on holiday with your b/f. I went away with a b/f when i was 18, for a week. My parents did not object. At the time i was living with my mum and stepfather as my parents split when i was ten. I don't remember my dad making an issue about me going away. Admittedly i was engaged to this b/f, whether that made any difference i don't know. But we split up a few months later, and i then met my husband who i have been with for 17 years.
Maybe you should stand up to your father and explain that you are an adult and how you feel about this.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 Yes you have the right, you're an adult now, not a little girl. But parents do tend to always see us as their babies regardless of how old we are because they love us and only want what's best for our lives. They often don't want us making the same mistakes they did at our age, so this is sometimes where their judgemental state comes from. But nonetheless, the next time you talk to your Dad on the phone, tell him exactly what you said in your post.
".....It makes me feel very angry that they'd even have the nerve to tell me their opinion on this. They've never been active in my life really, and it feels like they just decide to have an opinion when it suits them....."
If he goes ballistic on you after you've stated your feelings in a calm manner then there is a wonderful feature on a telephone -- it's the disconnect button. If he starts yelling or losing his temper simply say in a firm voice, "I'm not going to talk to you about this until you calm down. I'm hanging up now." Click.
If your Dad lives quite a ways from you (meaning you don't see him every day, week or month) then I wouldn't worry too much about living up to his expectations any longer. It's your life. Treat him with respect, but tell him where the boundaries are and that you expect that respect in return. It may take some time for your family to see you as an adult so to reinforce that notion in their minds, stay calm when you talk to them. Don't match temper for temper, and be in control. They will figure it out soon enough.
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