A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for some advice on the argument I just had with my boyfriend please. He has been on vacation for 2 and a bit weeks, at a music festival in Spain. Before he left and during the course of him being away, I've asked him a couple of times when he is flying back and he told me each time that he didn't know as he hadn't booked the flight yet. He thought it might be the start of this week but he wasn't sure and said he'd let me know.So yesterday afternoon, a colleague of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a fitness class tonight (Monday) and I agreed since I had no other plans and I was presumed I'd have heard before then if he was coming back.Then around 9pm last night, my boyfriend got in touch to say he should be back tonight at 8pm and he wanted to see me. I told him I was now busy but asked him if he was free on Tuesday, and he went in a mood with me!He's annoyed because he said he'd be back at the start of the week, so thinks I should have kept the night free for him. My opinion is if he wanted me to keep the night free he should have told me the exact day he would be back and earlier than 9pm the night before. If he'd said he'd be back on Monday I'd have kept the night free, but he kept saying he didn't know. I really thought he'd give me a bit more notice too.We have been together for 5 years and he does tend to think I should be available to fit around his busy schedule because mine is a bit more relaxed. Am I being out of line? I just feel he has no respect for my time and expects me to be waiting for him. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Not the way it works in my world. In my world the male is conditioned to be at the beconed call of the female and the male has NO timetables of his own...but that's from way back when[When the women of the world took charge and said, 'now look here, you do as I say or you're cut off"] I know times have changed but he should still rely on your lead before taking action if he has respect and is considerat.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Does he expect you to some sort of Polly Pocket? A GF he can pull out when it's convenient for HIM, who otherwise sits on the shelf, just in case he wants to see you?
Seriously?
I would not cancel plans, not with him or a friend. You can live your life in some sort of holding pattern that will suit him.
I would continue to do as you do. Ask him about plans and if he goes Oh I don't know I'm so busy, then you do your own thing with friends. Just because his schedule is more hectic than his doesn't mean you should ask how high everytime he says jump.
This would not be OK with me.
EVen in a marriage you need to find a way to make it work. I make plans (I inform the hubby first so he can see if it fits his work schedule) and if he unexpectedly has a day off but I have plans in the afternoon, then guess what? My plans still stand.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 July 2014):
 I think you did everything in your power to try to be available for him and that his hissy fit is wrong and you are correct.
Just live your life for you and fit him in when it works for you. You owe him no apology for this. IN fact, the explanation is " I need more than 23 hours notice from you to be available for you"
and stick to it. He sounds like after 5 years he's getting lazy and taking you for granted.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 You're right and he's wrong.
My advice is to adopt a happy steamroller approach. That means you go ahead with the plans you already made and allow your boyfriend to be upset for a while. Do not chase him or check up on him. He will get over it eventually.
Do NOT explain anything to him. That would make you look weak and it implies that your position here is so unusual and so complex and that you're asking for something out of the ordinary. We're talking about basic etiquette here and your boyfriend is not so profoundly retarded that he doesn't grasp the concept. He just chooses to ignore it when it suits him.
You have to train him by your actions that your life does not revolve around his.
Next time your boyfriend is away, be it for a day or for an extended vacation do not ask him more than once when he's planning to return. Doing that reinforces his belief that you are, and should be, on call for him. If he doesn't have an answer the first time, leave it alone and let him get back to you when he knows and wants you to know. If you're BOTH free when he is back, great.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (21 July 2014):
 I have been in the same situation myself and it stinks!
I had a GF who expected me to fit around her, she would mess me around, cancel plans at the last minute and would stick me on hold until she was willing to make time for me.
It made me feel taken for granted, a burden rather than a priority, like I had to book and appointment to see her and I also felt that she had no consideration for me or my own activities.
You BF is clearly the same - he expects you to fit around him, make yourself available when it suits him and he clearly has no consideration.
With my Ex I had two days off work to meet up with her only for her to cancel both times on the day. I wasn't happy at having two days annual leave lost for nothing and all I got in response was a snappy text saying "Mark im busy! Ive got a lot of important things in my life!"
Well fuck me! And there's me sitting around twiddling my thumbs with nothing better to do than sit about waiting for her! I don't think!! If she wasted an entire day of my time its not like I had anything better to do....its not like if I arranged to meet her and she cancelled that I had put other things and other people on hold to see her, all for nothing! NOT!!!!
This jerk of a BF of yours expects you to be free on a night that you don't know before hand because he is swopping and changing his plans? Well if he wanted you t be free the night he came home then he should have organised himself better rather than left you in limbo unable to plan anything.
Get yourself a decent guy and ditch this prick.
Mark
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Hey! Guess what!
You are right! He has no respect for you or your time, and yes, he does expect you to be putting your life on hold for him.
Now that your feelings are confirmed, what are you going to do about it? Let him continue treated you like the second class citizen in the relationship, or are you going to demand some respect and an acknowledgment that you, and your time, is just as important to you as his is to him.
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