A
male
age
30-35,
*an-of-questions
writes:I have recently started dating the best girl I've ever met, and I am finding it hard to switch off.I enjoy my time with her, but I have been plagued with anxiety problems from previous breakups and I find it hard not to feel the same about her. She is a lovely woman- smart, beautiful, great company- and I am terrified of my anxiety causing problems. I find that I read too much into things she says, find it hard to focus on the good things she says about me, and most of all I get incredibly anxious if I text/call her and she takes a while (a few hours or so) to reply. If she is at work or busy I have no issue, but I don't think she is then I simply can't switch off. She is wonderful and I don't want to ruin my chances with her, but I find my anxiety really gets in the way or me feeling confident enough, and it is down to previous exes who have left me with emotional scars.What can I do to learn to just smile, enjoy being with her and to take it as it comes?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): Just buy a self help book about controlling your anxiety. Sounds like your FEAR of your own anxiety is actually making it worse. It's a bit like when we fear anger, or that we ourselves are angry. We imagine we may be like roaring monsters when in fact we're like a p***** off mouse!Seriously, anxiety can get the better of you if you let it, so get some help. You can just explain to your new girlfriend that you get a bit anxious sometimes, you don't have to go into massive detail and don't burden her with all the detail.Probably once you guys are closer and more physical you will calm down a bit.Good luck.
A
female
reader, Marilissa75  +, writes (19 March 2014):
 Smile and laugh as often as you can. Find some new things to focus on while she's absent. Find work or take a class of some kind or volunteer somewhere. When the time is right, let her know you have some anxiety related to past breakups and that you are feeling insecure. This could well relate back to your distant past (childhood) traumas as well. I don't believe in dwelling in the past and using it to excuse current behavior but it can explain things about us. Read some self help books. Know that the right people will stay in your life and be there for you and you will do the same for them. It's great that you reached out here and it shows you want to improve your state of being. Do not give up. I do not think you have to end the relationship. Be vulnerable but also be brave. Be vulnerable by expressing your fears and be brave by working through them and finding ways to enrich your life. You can do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): I'm going to speak to you frankly here. It is not to cause any further anxiety; but to give you pause, and food for thought.
Unless you have been diagnosed, and under current treatment, for an anxiety disorder. Do your best to manage your anxiety over the past. If you aren't ready for dating, you shouldn't do it. It is totally unfair to that young woman.
If you're too emotionally-fragile to deal with stress, and the emotional-weight of a long-term emotional-connection; bow out now.
You have described her as a lovely person. Why does she deserve to lay victim to your issues over your past mistakes and misfortune over other women? How is she the least bit to blame?
She is offering you access to her time and her heart. That is a huge responsibility not to be trifled with.
We all get a little gun-shy from past trauma. If you are not psychologically-fit to deal with the challenges of a new relationship, due to your old wounds; perhaps you need to give yourself more time to heal before you hurt her.
Your feelings aren't the only feelings at risk here.
There are times when we have to man-up and be mature. We don't give-in to every doubt and misgiving that runs through our heads. People who give their time, and accept us into their lives deserve the best we can be. You should expect no less in return.
If you are not well, then you are not able to maintain a healthy and viable relationship.
She has no responsibility to fix you; nor deal with the burden of your past. You don't start new relationships until you are done and over your old one anyway. That is your responsibility to her.
You don't drag your baggage with you, and dump it at her doorstep. That is inconsiderate and quite presumptuous. She has shown you trust, and is doing her best to show you that she feels you are worthy of sharing time with her. She has defied all her own doubts, and took the plunge. In spite of whatever breakups or bad-luck she has experienced, and withstood up to now. It's still early, so you can back-out gracefully with very little commotion.
What did you do with the time-gap before you met her? It should have been spent healing and getting over your so-called anxiety from previous breakups. That was your time in repair, and you should have been taking care of yourself. Preparing for your future. Nursing your wounds.
How much did you personally contribute to the demise of your prior broken relationships? There are always two-sides to every story. Are you perfect? You did nothing wrong?
You expect anyone to believe you're just an innocent victim to all the horrible things those women mercilessly reigned upon you? I think not, young man. Maybe you need more time as a single man, to mature and to get your anxiety under control. Your post says you're not ready.
This young woman is taking a risk with her feelings and emotions. They have been placed in your hands for safe-keeping. She obviously things your great too.
Trust yourself. Give yourself a break. Fight with all your might to make it work without letting the demons from the past harp on your efforts to move on, and keep moving forward. The time has come to finally bury those relationships deep in hell where they belong. You are starting from a clean slate.
You talk about how wonderful she is. When exactly do you take the time to appreciate these qualities you describe; if you are a bundle of nerves, and fidgeting about how you might get hurt?
Don't wait until you have her heart in the palm of you hands before you decide to crack.
Too many people give into weakness and have ready-made excuses for hurting other people. So they can walk away feeling no guilt and taking absolutely no responsibility for the crap they do.
"The devil made them do it." "I have a disorder; so I can randomly break hearts without fault."
Everybody has some kind of anxiety to some degree. Sometimes you have to just be man enough to absorb it, in order not to hurt anybody else.
We get posts daily from people claiming anxiety-issues. That's why we're here. However; the world can't be completely populated with only awkward people, incapable up handling the simplest of social connections, or coping with life.
Life is hard. It's also full of wonder and joy. Life is a gift that should be appreciated and celebrated. Not poisoned with self-hatred, insecurity, and wrought with an over-developed sense of entitlement. People thinking the world owes us something. Placing blame on everybody else when things aren't perfect. Hating themselves because they're not perfect. Before pills, therapists, and talk shows. How did humanity survive this long?
We hit roadblocks in love. It is inevitable. Prior relationships are prepping you for the future. Preparing you for something better, and giving you tools for survival. Teaching you how to give and take. How to roll with the punches and to still hold empathy even for those who wrong us. My friend, it's a jungle. You walk upright with a larger brain, and an opposing thumb. If dumb animals can hack it, so can we.
You take what you've learned and use it as building material for the best relationship ever; once you've found the right mate. They deserve your new-and-improved self. Not what comes out of the grinder, when someone else is done with you. You end up making other people your rebound
road-kill. That my friend, you don't do to women. As I gather you may have learned, if nothing else.
If you want the normal things in life; the most important, that being love. You had better fight the battle with every thing you have in you. You are only worth what you put into it. If you're too damaged to hold up under pressure; than don't lift more than you can carry.
Don't let insecurity and doubt eat at you. That's part of the battle. Don't come whining to us to purchase yourself a guilt-free pass; if you screw it up, and break her heart.
I won't be a part of that. I'm not pandering to the excuse you have anxiety issues; therefore, you have the right to screw up some innocent unsuspecting woman's life. I won't do it. I will tell you, to get a freaking grip and be a man. You want love, and you deserve it. Be strong in spite of doubt whispering in your ear, and telling you that you're damaged and weak; and those other women stole all your strength. It isn't true. That happens to me, and every other person who answers your post. You ignore it.
If you can't ignore it. Then, you're not ready.
We get hurt in life. Only the strong survive, and you will thrive when you convince yourself that you can be strong.
You take it a day at a time. You consider each passing day a victory, if you can smile; and make her smile. Don't let her efforts be in vain.
If you can't hack it; let her go.
She deserves to be with someone who has it together.
Whatever she invests in you; the payoff in dividends should be worth the risk she took.
I wish your the best!
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