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female
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*olli99
writes: ok here goes....I posted a few months ago on how my abusive ex had a new gf and they were soooo in love. Now he has asked our daughter if it's ok if they get married. I am just a mess!!! I am feeling like I missed out cus maybe he did change after all. It's been only about 3 mos. He has had no intervention at all meanwhile I am still going to counseling trying to move on!!!! Help please - was I wrong??
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2006): He has not changed, dear. If he abused you,..he will abuse again. I find it so incredibly sad that one more innocent woman will become victimized by your abusive ex. What I find sadder is that, you still care about this man and you still love him on some 'unexplainable' level. I think you need some closure on these intense feelings. When women have been badly abused in their past, they have been "conditioned" for a long time, to feel helpless and hopeless- they have come to believe that through battering or intimidation, that they somehow deserve to be treated this way. That's the insidious, evil goal of the abuser..to make a women feel like she's worthless..that she'll never be able to function without him, that she needs him, she depends on him to live and breathe. He did a good 'head-job' on you, hun. You are caught up in this feeling way too deep. You have to fight this because this loss of him has caused you to lose ...you! I think your head says you know he was a horrible man to you but your heart says otherwise. Let this go. Keep strong and steady. Stick with that individual counseling to regain your sense of self and value. It takes a lot of courage but you have to put all your pain and hurt behind you, once and for all. You need to put yourself first. Remember, you don't need this man to make you feel 'significant'...you can do that all on your own. Take care hun and my heart is with you.
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (2 November 2006):
 Hi Molli,
I don't think what you did was wrong, necessarily - it was just something that you had to do for yourself. I agree with Ponun - he is probably going to be abusive to his new wife. How can someone change in three months with no counseling or anything at all?
I'm wondering if this is yet another way he is choosing to abuse you. Maybe he is marrying her to get you all distraught and feeling the way you do. I don't know him, but it seems like something that an abuser might do. Just something to think about...
Honestly, I think you are much better without someone like that in your life. Go to counseling, try to stay positive, focus on rebuilding your confidence. Eventually you'll meet someone, too! But the difference is that you won't be doing it out of spite, and therefore you'll be a much happier person.
It's always tough to see an ex get with someone else, regardless of how rocky your relationship was with that person. You'll get through this, Molli. :)
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (2 November 2006):
 If he was abusive to you, there's a good chance he'll be abusive to his new love too. She just doesn't know it yet. She'll find out in due time. You should be thankful you got out when you did. Keep going to counseling if it helps. Just be grateful that you're out of his life for good.
Good luck!
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