A
female
age
41-50,
*kanrd112
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. When we first met, he made it perfectly clear that his younger sister was very important to him. Initially, I thought that was very commendable. About six months ago, he changed jobs and we have pretty much been living together ever since. Here's the problem: Some nights I work later than he does. When he gets off work, rather than going to our home, he goes to his parents home and hangs out with his younger sister. He is 22, she is 11. He helps with her homework, plays board games with her, watches tv with her, etc. etc. I think that going home 3-4 nights a week to play with his sister is strange as hell.Then if I'm working on a Saturday and he is off, he'll spend the entire day there doing things around his parent's house and playing with his sister. His parents are almost always home during these time too (this is his father/stepmothers child).I personally have four brothers of my own. Two that are 9 and 10 years older than I am, and two that are 2 and 4 years younger. My older brothers never ever ever got off work and came home to play with me when I was 11. We get along great as adults, but had very little in common when I was still a child. He also has two younger brothers who are 4 and 6 years younger than him. He communicates with them bi-weekly. (his mother/stepfathers children) Am I over-reacting here? Because I would ideally like to see him spending his free time with people our age. Or maybe going home to our home and doing stuff at our house. He drives right past his parents house on his way home from work. Can he stop in and say hey whats up?? of course... but 3-4 hours a night 3-4 times a week??? I think this is a lot. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, nanie20 +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Don't take it in the wrong way but if you are not home how does it affect you that he goes to see his sister. That is something that should make you appriciate him more because when you start your own family he is going to be commited. I would personally like to spend most of my time with my younger brother than with the people my age. Not because you didnt have that bond with your relatives it makes it weird when the rest do...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I really don't see the problem here. You can't really compare across families - what's 'normal' in one is completely 'abnormal' in another. Some families, particularly where there are lots of children, have a culture where older siblings take great care of younger ones, almost like step-in parents. In others, siblings aren't that close, or fight a lot. Perhaps recognizing that families can be different, but that those differences are just fine, is important here. Far from thinking what he's doing is weird, your boyfriend sounds like a sweetheart, and great 'dad' material! Rather than spending his time slumped in front of the TV, or playing pointless computer games like so many young men of his age, he's spending it looking after his kid sister, and helping his family out around the house. That seems like a really helpful, generous, good-hearted thing for him to do, no? What is the culture of his family like? Maybe the parents need the help? Also, it sounds like he only does this when you are out of the house - so it's not like it's eating into your time together. Have you thought that your boyfriend might not like being on his own that much? It's common for children whose parents have divorced to have a fear of abandonment when they get older (particularly if the divorce happens at a young age). It sounds like he's dealing with this well, by throwing his energies into his family and building stronger bonds with them. However, if the problem is that he's not pulling his weight around your household at home, you could have a gentle chat with him about it. Explain that you're not trying to make him stop seeing his sister, but that if he could devote one of those 4 hours to getting dinner/tidying up/cleaning etc. it would be really helpful. Do recognize, though, that if he is suffering from abandonment issues, he may struggle to be on his own for more than a few minutes. Building up the time that he spends alone from short increments to longer ones may therefore be important. Encourage him to talk about how he feels about being alone, and make sure you have sympathetic, empathetic answers (don't try to 'fix' the problem immediately or make too many practical solutions- it's something that can take a long time to go away).However, if you fear that your boyfriend is becoming socially isolated by his responsibilities, maybe encourage him to spend one of those 3-4 nights a week doing something different. He sounds like a do-er, so maybe getting him involved in some kind of charity project or volunteer work would help. There are places crying out for community-minded individuals like himself to get involved, and it can work wonders for his career too. It will also ensure that he has another outlet when his little sister starts to grow up and wants to spend more time by herself (which is bound to happen in the next 4-5 years and could be really hurtful for him).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Because of not getting enough time, you are getting possissive. Don't take your b/f otherwise. That's really great if your b/f loves his sister so much.
This is the biggest problem arising now days that the children don't get emotional and mental support from their family and they go outside to get it. But, generally you are cheated by the outsider people. I believe if children are given proper emotional and mental support at their home, their life will always rock.
Give you b/f time and let him know that you need his presence as he needs his sister's presence as you also are the part of his life. But don't force him for this and don't be jealous of his sister. Be with him for what he is. If you force him to be with you, it may make a bad impact either on you or on his sis.
Doesn't mean if your brothers didn't love you or spent time with you, you will not other brothers love their sis.
It is really the worst if you don't love your siblings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I agree I think at his age and with the age difference this is unusual. Also you are right in suggesting that perhaps he would normally be spending time with people his own age or indeed on 'feathering your own nest' so to speak. Is he more comfortable being 'childish'? Don't take that the wrong way its just that some people were very happy as children and look for any excuse to be around kids. This comes out when people have children of their own. He might be feeling that his sister needs the attention or help (are her parents very involved with her life?) or that he feels somehow guilty about not being there for her. There could be a number of genuine motivations for his decision however I think the amount of time he is spending is making his sister reliant on his visits and so he is setting himself up for difficulty if he trys to change his behaviour. What would happen for example if you had your own children?
It looks a bit like he was not ready to leave home? Are his parents making unreasonable demands for him to be round at their house helping them? He needs to make a break and grow up and become the man you need - otherwise I cannot see how you are going to respect this guy for much longer?
There are a number of things maybe you could try.... for example could you get some solid things in your weekly diary to do with him as a couple - proper commitments like a meal with friends or for friends to come round your place - arrange it in advance- that will guarantee that he has to show more commitment to you and your life at home?
Could you suggest he picks his sister up and she comes over to yours for a meal when you get home - that way both your boyfriend and his sister are seeing you as a couple and his parents get to understand that he has a life with you too.
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