A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My mother in law is 80 years old and has some cognitive decline. Doctors say it is early stages of Alzheimer’s. She has two daughters (one of them my wife) but they don’t take great care of her because they say she was a bad mom, verbally abusive, self-centered, left them alone a lot by themselves because she was focused on her career. She was married three times and never for long.I don’t have any of that history with her so I tolerate more of her behavior plus she reserves the really nasty stuff for my wife. As a result, I tend to be the one to take care of her. I bring her medications, take her to the doctor, grocery shopping, out to lunch, and so on - usually in the company of my wife but my wife will rarely go without me. My mom-in-law has mostly been appreciative and goes out of her way to thank me but lately her comments have become a little creepy. She tells me she loves me which isn’t a bad thing in itself but she says it a little too often and casually. Once in awhile was fine but it makes me uncomfortable. She told me that she lies in bed at night thinking about me and that really made me creep out. She has taken to testing me throughout the day calling me sweetie and telling me how good I am to her and how she wishes I would come see her. In some context it is all just the ramblings of a needy old woman but something about it makes my skin crawl. I even started blocking her messages while I am at work. I told my wife her mom was flooding me with saccharine notes and it bugs me but I didn’t share that I was starting to get creeped out. Should I tell my mother-in-law to dial it back or just accept that these are the ramblings of an old lady starting to lose her mind? Should I share my concern with my wife that I think there are romantic undertones? I bet this is not that uncommon. She is a lonely old widow who always fed off male attention, hence the multiple marriages but I am starting to not want to help her out anymore.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2023): You should talk to your wife about what's happening but make it clear that you are feeling confused and unsure of how to proceed with taking care of all of the tasks that have fallen to you, because what's happening now is a new development that is making you feel very uncomfortable.Your wife's mother sounds like a manipulator who, even if she's undergoing mental decline, still remembers the script that worked for her in times past. It might help to have your wife there when you tell her mother to dial it back with the claims of love, etc, and just make it clear that you don't need any of that. I really have the impression that she is doing that only because she has always done that to get what she wants. Once you make it clear to her that it's having the opposite effect, she will very likely be relieved that she doesn't need to do that.The fact that you're a decent honorable person might even register in her addled mind, but I wouldn't suggest holding your breath waiting for a sign from her. Manipulative narcissists are infamous for their lack of empathy and any consideration for the feelings of others, and your wife's attitude towards her mother based on her past experience with her sounds just like something in my own relationship with my father. The fact that your wife needs to have you along whenever she visits her mother is something that resonates with me. She simply does not want to be alone with that person, because the triggers that that person can use to be cruel to her are far more destructive than the actually pathetic ways her mother is employing to manipulate you.Use this experience to appreciate why it is too painful for your wife to be left alone with this person who was abusive and uncaring, who withheld affection, who emotionally abandoned her own children in order to get what she wanted, because all that she ever thought about was what she wanted. That is classic Narcissistic Personality Disorder.There's a still prevalent notion that is a relic of '60s-'70shippie culture about everyone being beautiful in their own way. It's bullshit. Here's my variation on that: Everyone deserves respect, until they prove that they don't. Your wife's mother has, apparently, proved to your wife and any siblings she has that she doesn't deserve theirs.Talk to your wife about what is happening because I am certain that she's had to suffer a lot of the same crap that her mother is trying to work on you. I may be assuming more than I should, but it instinctively feels like the same crap that my father pulled in my family.Narcissists don't care about anyone else in the world but themselves, so all of that I love you stuff is just words that she thinks will enhance her chances of manipulating you. Ask your wife about that. I sincerely doubt that she will tell you otherwise.
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