A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is a bit long.I have had a massive crush on a colleague for almost a year now (he is 30yrs, I am 27yrs). Our roles do not conflict or overlap, and neither one of us is in a position of authority over the other. Some of my closer friends at work knew about it, but eventually it became common knowledge because whenever the two of us were together everyone could see us just 'click'. We are both very shy and geeky, and I have heard people making jokes about him probably being a virgin. One night we were both hanging out at a mutual friend's place watching movies, and we ended up cuddling and getting into some heavy petting while our hosts slept on the next couch. We didn't get any sleep, so when the sun came up we went back to his place and spent all day together in bed (sleeping, and ...other stuff). I found out his last relationship was over 7yrs ago, and he hadn't had sex during the intervening time. He did have crushes on other girls but he never pursued anything with them. I admitted that it had been 6yrs since my first and only boyfriend, and that he had been my only sexual partner, but that I had a childhood friend I'd been in love with for 20yrs and only recently gotten over.Anyway, it's been a month since then and he has been seriously back-pedalling. I see him every day at work and he is friendly, but we have an unspoken rule about keeping things strictly platonic at the office. One day (about 5 days after the event) I texted him asking to catch up and he told me to go slower (I begrudgingly admitted we had gone a bit fast - so I left him alone). We saw each other at a work function on the weekend and he was very friendly and gentlemanly (held doors open etc) but wouldn't touch me at all, even later in private at a friends house he wouldn't sit next to me. He texted me the next day and said that he regretted what had happened between us because it was clear I was more "hooked" than him, and he didn't want to lead me on. The following weekend I got brave, I showed up at his house and when he opened the door I stole a kiss, smiled, and walked away, the next night we were on the same mutual friend's couch watching movies and he cuddled/tickled me until the sun came up. The next week he apologised for the slip, that he was determined not to be an asshole anymore and informed me that there would be no more stolen kisses or sneaky cuddles. My willpower bottomed out about a week later and I recommended a friends with benefits relationship via email. I waited four days but he didn't reply, and at the office he was very distant and barely spoke to me (and avoided me at a party we both went to). Finally I sent another email taking it back - saying that I was sorry, he was right, I'm too invested in him to be happy with that kind of casual relationship. Within the hour he texted me "you're doing fine, just chill out :)", and then I saw him later at a barbeque and he was my best friend again.Before my email and since then we have spent a lot of time together hanging out in our mutual social circle. He targets me in the conversation (in fact he speaks to me more than any other person), he teases me in a flirty way, he helps me whenever I need (it without me having to ask), he always listens to what I say (even if I'm quietly mumbling to myself), and any new people we meet assume we are a couple.It's very hard to get over him with all these mixed messages and conflicting signs. I've read dozens of articles about "he's just not that into you" (he doesn't exhibit any of the signs); and other "does he like me" articles (he exhibits about half the signs). He doesn't show a speck of interest in other women, he always targets me in the office when he needs help (usually with something my other colleagues would be more qualified to help with).He is about to go on 8 weeks of leave. I can possibly use this time to get over him, but is that what I should be doing? He really is the most amazing guy I've ever met, we have very similar (geeky/gamer/sci-fi) interests, and I love that he is inexperienced like me (tough to find someone like that in our age group). He's a catch and I don't want to let him go if I don't have to.
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at work, best friend, crush, flirt, friend with benefits, mixed messages, shy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 December 2015):
 Sometimes men can be quite dense about the signals that they are getting from a woman. Women seem far more perceptive when it comes to picking up the signals.
Why don't you message him wishing him a great holiday and hoping you can get together on his return. That WILL give him something to think about.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Denizen
I have asked all my friends and colleagues what they think , but each of them give me such opposing viewpoints. No one can actually agree on what his intentions are.
Clearly his actions make no sense to anyone. I take comfort in knowing that I'm not just dense - this guy is genuinely confusing.
I guess my only option is to (like you say) wait and see what happens! He has just gone on leave so I'm going to make an effort not to contact him while he is away, hopefully he knows what he wants when he comes back.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (27 November 2015):
He sounds like he is in training for a religious life and keeps slipping from his calling. He appears to like you a lot but keeps holding himself back.
I think your best option is to keep being in his eye-line and hope your attractiveness will overcome his willpower.
Fingers crossed for you.
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