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female
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anonymous
writes:Ever since the boy I was in love with finished with me for someone else I have turned into some nasty, evil girl who's out to hurt other people at no expense.This has been going on for a few months and today Ive only JUST realised what Ive been doing. I sent his new gf nasty messages and even slept with him again behind her back and had great delight in telling her. I have this nasty habit of wanting to stir things or create a drama if things dont go my way. Why am I like this? Im losing friends and people are starting to call me nasty names. Its not just with my ex that Im like this, Ive realised that Ive done things like this when things dont go my way with all men Ive been involved with. However, I was worse with my ex cos I loved him. He hates me now, obviously, but what he doesnt understand is that it is what he does to me that makes me behave this way!! Why cant I just let things go? Why cant I stop trying to hurt people if I dont get my own way? I dont wanna lose all my friends. I dont wanna be known as a shit-stirring bitch.
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (23 November 2008):
 Good girl! Now forgive yourself for everything that has happened. Why would we be harsch to you? I don't think there are anyone out there who have never fallen into doing anything similar at some point in their lifes. It is human. But it is hurting not only the others but also yourself in the end, so the struggle to act differently is well worth it.
And maybe the best "revenge" is to drop him completely and move on to more happy days with better men. As stem1981 said; what kind of a guy is he to cheat on his new girlfriend with you? You'll do much better than him when this is over with!
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): Hey, that's an amazing decision you have made, well done :)
The worst is now behind you, stick with your standards and I'm sure all this bad stuff will stay in the past and one day it won't even be painful or emotional.
The world is your oyster, you never know what great man may want to be your boyfriend. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again, just wanna say thanx for your replies....I was extremely tempted to text my ex this morning, but then I decided to re-read your replies and not only did I not text him I also deleted his number, blocked him from my phone and deleted him on msn. I have decided that every time I feel an urge to say something, text somebody, hurt someone intentionally I am going to re-read this post and the replies.
Also, the anon poster said that this was a pattern with me. Im sorry I think I didnt explain my question properly, yes I do behave this way when I dont get what I want but unfortunately for my ex he got the worst of it all because I loved him and he hurt me the most. Yes I was nasty to my other ex's and their new gf's but nowhere near as nasty as what Ive been with him, and for not as long (I split with him in the summer). So thanks to you all....I was expecting some harsh words from the agony aunts about my behaviour, which in a way I totally deserve, but instead you have given me sound advice. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): I am sorry to hear about your pain hun. Betrayal is what you are feeling. Hurt and grief. You are grieving the lost of a relationship!
Hate is a very strong word and you ex has no reason to hate you as he was cheating on his girlfriend too byu sleeping with you behind her back. He wanted you to be his dirty little secret while his girl was oblivious to what was going on but got caught out!. Serves his right if you ask me.
But now put a stop to it! You have acted on your emotions and have got your revenge but feel no better, sounds like you feel worse. Therefore time for plan B.
Forgive yourself, dust yourself off and continue to walk in straight lines, no more going in the opposite ditrection (backwards).
Dont let anyone have anything else to say about you! Don't let people think that what your ex did was a good choice. Focus on rebuilding your life by doing things that you always wanted to do. Start the NON CONTACT with your ex as sometimes we need to rid ourselves of those who drain us and he is draining you of all your good energy. 'weeping may endure for the night but joy commeth in the morning' (psalms 30:5)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers guys. I cried reading your replies. One poster suggested that I am a controlling person and I think that is completely true. I do try to control ppl and situations and if it all goes wrong then I cant handle it. From now on, I will step back and assess my feelings and the situation properly before I go charging in and saying/doing nasty things to people, no matter what they have done to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008):
You can be on the receiving things of life, play the victim, blame other people on you being a bitch, or you can learn from your own mistakes, forgive the people who hurt you, move on from your life and let the past be the past.
When you can forgive yourself for the mistakes you make, and not be bitter against men, or people who have hurt you, only then you will meet new potential boyfriends, and people in your life who are decent and honest.. men who equally deserve someone who is a good person.
It sounds like your ex isn't the one for you, so move on from him, do some damage limitation with any friends you want to keep in your life and move on, wait for someone new to come in to your life and make the decision to not repeat past mistakes. You probably don't see it now, but it is in our failed relationships and mistakes that were learn about ourselves and grow as people, this whole episode of yours is a big learning experience to show you to be a better friend and girlfriend, if you allow it to.
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female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (21 November 2008):
I think that firstly you must stop thinking that he makes you behave in a certain way. You do have a choice on your own. I think many people can have those feelings you have but it becomes a problem when you really live it out.
I know this is hard to do, but I would advice you to start taking more control over your situation. You can't change the fact he left you for someone else and you can't make him or anybody else change. What you can do is to step back a bit every time you get those urges to do hurtful things and think it over. Write it down or talk to a friend but don't live it out for real. Once the urge has passed you feel more proud of yourself for having had this self-control. And with it will come more self-esteem. A good spiral. Acknowledge to yourself that you are the only one who has the power to decide your own actions, and act the way you wish you would and after a while it will become more natural for you to not immediately act upon your angry and hurt feelings.
Revenge is a quick fix but usually strikes back badly. Nothing wrong though to tell people if, how and why you are angry with them, just try to push down the urge to hurt them back. I once read a saying that goes something like this: Not letting go of people who hurt you, is like having someone rent a space in your head totally free of charge.
And when you get over him, which you will eventually, you will meet someone much better. So there you have something good to look forward to :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Well at least you have now realised how nasty you've been in the past and this is the first step to getting to be better. You say 'he makes me behave this way' but if it's a pattern with you then he doesn't because you've done stuff like this before. Don't blame others for the way you behave.It might help if you try and put yourself in another person's permission, for example image you were the girlfriend and you got the nasty texts, how would you feel?It seems like you try to control people and this usually comes from some sort of fear when people get controlling. Maybe you could read some self-help books about why you might be controlling. Or have some counselling about it as it sounds as if you are ready to face your own faults, and that is good news. Your life will be happier once you sort out this problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): I dont think you are a nasty person, thats what you have been told, I think you feel sad and lonely and you found this way of getting back what has been stolen from you(trust, love, safety). I think you are trying to avoid at any expense the immense pain at being betrayed, that is hidden inside your heart. YOu probably took the missunderstood woman's role, people hurt and missunderstand you and expect the worst of you anyway, so why not damage everyhting you can, it's all lost to you anyway. If you stop a little and don't react the way you think it will get back your integrity, you will ralise that the pain of being betrayed goews away.. and it's not worth to spend so much of your precious energy cooking up ways of getting back at people.. Ofcourse, a little hot blood is necessary, no one has to be a doormat or wall flower or a hero that turns the other cheeck. But don't you deserve to give yourself better, to be more available to good people, than wasting your time trying to hurt the ones that are not worth a second thought?
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