A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married, have been for 15 years, and have a great male friend. My best friend and her husband have been married 10 years. In the beginning I was solely her friend, but over the years her husband and I have grown very close. We talk/ text almost daily, go to lunch together and have even gone to a play w/o our spouses. My best friend and I talk or see each other every day as well. I have another friend outside our circle who thinks this is completely wrong and believes at some point one of us will cross the line. I've assured her that is not the case, but she let me know really quickly she would never allow her husband to be that close with me. I told her that nothing inappropriate has or will happen between Josh (my best friend's husband) and I. Why is it so hard for some people to understand platonic relationships? Do I love my friend? YES, very much and he loves me very much, but NOT in any romantic way. My other friend asked if I told my husband or bff everything we talked/ texted about. I told her, well no, I don't give a play by play of everytime we communicate but we don't hide anything either. She then said well then you're cheating. WHAT???? My husband or my bff could go through our texts or ask about what we talked about at any point and he and I would both show them or tell them. Why is it that people like my other friend always thinks there has to be something more? There are other married people out there with close opposite sex friends aren't there?
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female
reader, andromeda  +, writes (21 June 2010):
Interesting. I have friends who are male that I have had to tone down the friendship and/or completely cut off ties with them because while I didn't feel anything for them they threatened my relationship at the time or they wanted more than I did. All of my male friends have admitted that when a woman pays a lot of attention to them, it's an ego booster. Now,recently, I have been in the opposite position. My recently disengaged fiancee and I ended out relationship because I didn't trust a woman with whom he was "just friends" with. At first, it started out with occasional visits at her house ( she is married) to have an occasional drink with her and her husband. ( I of course was never invited). I don't like her or her husband anyways, because they live a lifestyle completely different from my own and I have little in common with them. This then progressed to where he was more concerned about buying her a thank you gift while we were on vacation because she was watching our plants then he was with spending time with me. He then invited her over to our house...just her and it felt very uncomfortable for me. She obviously liked him by the way she looked at him and her body language. He said he felt nothing, but the way he looked and his body language when she was around suggested otherwise. I started out feeling as though I was being jealous for no reason. Then, a couple times when I was out of town, the first place he headed as soon as I left ( like within 2 hours) was her place and he would lie about where he had been. Eventually I told him that I could not have her in our life and that if he continued to be friends with her I wasn't marrying him because I felt that she threatened our relationship. He during this time also became less intimate with me, more easily frutrated, etc. He agreed though. One night when I was gone, I found out that he went to her birthday party. I was so upset and asked to go see counselling about this. Instead, he kicked me out, said he was changing the locks and that I was being a controlling witch. I am not controlling and I have since learned through my own counselor about emotional intimacy and it's early signs. All I can say is that if you are one of those who can maintain a relationship with a member of the opposite sex and be completely open and share that friend with your spouse, great. If not, maybe you shouldn't be with your spouse or you shouldn't be with your friend. The one that is most important to you, tells a lot about who you are.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): OMG.....I could have written this post! Over the past few years my best friend's husband has grown to be my best male friend, other than my husband of course. He and I very close. Like you stated, everyone involved knows how close we are and it's not a problem at all. My best friend and my husband are also very close. We talk about everything and nothing. Sometimes I bring up our conversations, other times I do not. If I need an outside male voice I know he's there and if my husband needs an objective female my best friend is there for him. But the thought of sex or anything romantic with him (or my husband with her) ewwwww! I will say if either my husband or I have a conversation with either one about an argument we've had or something more on a persoanl level we say I talked to so and so today. Now the content of the convos may be kept confidential because that is the whole point in having an outside shoulder to cry on. With that said we are all happily married and when we go to them they are on the side of OUR MARRIAGE and us of theirs. This means if we talk to them about something personal then they try to help us with it NOT take advantage of the situation. I for one am thankful there is another female in my husband's life that he can share his emotions with and he feels the same. We are all close, like family, and no that we are very lucky to have the bonds we do with them and would NEVER jeopordize that for a night of supposed pleasure. We are with our spouses because we love them and that's who we want to spend our lives with and it's nice to know that we have another couple on our side who feel the same way, but when we need some vent space they are there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): I tell my wife all the time that there is no such thing as an opposite sex bestfriend. Only because 99.99999% of the time you ask this question and this question will confirm that they are not a "true" friend. The question is.....if you were given the time of day or opportunity would you have sex with your friend? And you tell yourself NO I would never do that with my friend. Now here is where the 99% comes in....if given the time of day would he have sex with you? If yes then he is truly not your friend. Friends don't have sex with friends. If no then maybe he is your true friend.
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A
female
reader, piccola  +, writes (21 May 2010):
i think men and women can just be friends. and it certainly is, as best as i can tell, just that on your side. i think the only reasons you should worry or feel bad about this were if
1. your husband or best friend was upset or threatened by the friendship or
2. it was more than friendship on his side.
but is sounds to me although none of that is the case and you just have a strong relationship and two strong friendships, your friend out side of all of this sounds as though she is less secure in her trust of her husband and friends.
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