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female
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anonymous
writes: im in need of urgent help!my boyfriend of nearly a year has a family occassion coming up in a few weeks, iv never met his parents, iv only met the family member who's wedding it is. i dont know if im invited as its not been mentioned so i dunno if its assumed im going or the opposite.i know i need to ask if im going and i plan on asking tonight as i will need to organise what to wear and all the usual stuff.... ....but also bacause if i am going i want to meet his parents before that day as it will be awkward if i have to be introduced at the wedding. and if im not going i need to think about why and if i want to stay with him as i already feel as though im not really part of his daily life, we are always alone together and everyone else in their gang always brings their other half with them to most things.we'v had arguments before about me not knowing his family and friends and i was inroduced to a few and brought out once but its dried up again, he says he's too broke to go out but on the rare occassion that i mite not meet up with him he's straight out, even if he's told me the day before that he cant.i also found out that he pretended to have a meeting on a night when he really had to help his bro with arrangements, i dont understand why he would lie as he usually tells me if he meets his bro.my questions are.....how do i bring up about whether or not im invited in the first place??and if so, how do i ask to meet his mum?? he's a very private person.i really feel that if im excluded from this that there's no hope for us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): UPDATEi asked and i got, my bf assumed i was going and thought he had spoken to me at some point, he also said the wedding was time enough to meet the parents.everything is great now, thanks for all the advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2006): I was thinking about a situation that happened to one of my female friends and one of my male friends - oh wait, they were the couple! Haha... 8]
I'll call the guy Chucky, and the girl, Cheese. Chucky was going to go to wedding for a cousin of his. He too is a private person, and geebus, quite a stubborn bastard too. Cheese had been going out with Chucky for about 8 months, and never once in the two months previous to the wedding, did Chucky actually invite Cheese. Mind you though, the invitation did say, "So and so invites you and a guest..." However, Chucky never said a word about the wedding to Cheese.
In the end, Cheese got into arguments with Chucky, and they stopped talking for awhile. I urged Chucky to open himself up to her and communicate, but he didn't feel the need. Eventually, Cheese just left him.
While eating out at the restaurant with Cheese, I made a good silly fool of myself and stood up to applaud her leaving that idiot of a boyfriend. I even went and shook her hand while on-lookers raised their eyebrows in my general direction.
May I conclude Ms. Verysilly, that they key word throughout this entire story is [Sesame Street jingle comes on] "communication".
In summary, this isn't about the wedding anymore, obviously. This is about you and him not talking.
The choice is quite simple. Now are you willing to take it or continue on trying to fight for... For what?
[wink]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): thank you for your advice, he just cancelled on me so no big talk tonight, the bride and groom are the people i know best and get on with so i doubt they'l leave me out because of cost, and his mum sounds very nice the way he talks about her, plus they live around the corner from him. im begginning to think im fighting a losing battle as he's not going to change and suddenly put in some effort and care about me. its just so sad its come to this.
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A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (12 August 2006):
 I think you should just ask him outright if you are invited.
If you have been together for that long, he should ask about you regardless of whether you were personally invited or not.
When you are at the wedding, I feel your boyfriend will spend much time in the company of his mother anyway, so you should not need to ask to meet her. You will just be able to socialise casually.
What arrangements were these?
If they were to do with the wedding itself, maybe he was asked to keep it secret, I have known this to happen.
If he refuses to ask about your place in the wedding and is blatantly unwilling to allow you to meet his family, then maybe he is not the right man for you afterall.
You should never feel isolated in a relationship.
Good luck, please let me know how it goes.
x
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (12 August 2006):
 I know you feel excluded right now, and you are right to be concerned but just hold back for now. There maybe two dozen innocent explanations for his secretive behaviour - it doesn't mean he is ashamed of you or anything like that. He could have relatives from hell, or demanding parents who will hassle him about marriage if they think he has a girl on his arm. Certainly you ought to find out if you are invited to the wedding for sure but don't take 'no invite' as a huge rejection from him - some wedding organisers don't put partners down on the list to cut back on costs. I am kind of talking from personal experience - I never took boyfriends home to meet the folks as I knew it would be hell (I saw the nasty and intolerant things they said about my brothers partners). My family refused to come to my wedding or meet my husband while we were dating (opposed to my marriage to a 'foreigner looking for a visa' in their eyes) and didn't speak to me for over two years after the nuptials...I certainly wouldn't take my husband for 'tea' with the folks now and just accept my relationship with my parents and my relationship with my husband are separate if parallel parts of my life and they are both happy with that arrangement (well sort of...). For most outsiders that would seem very weird but if your family are a certain way then it becomes a manageable reality! So, back to your problem - go into your 'big talk' with your man with an open mind as you don't know what is going on with his family. As for mixing with his friends - I can understand where he comes from as I myself am a private person. My husband has his friends and I have mine and I do try to keep things separate as I think each person in the 'couple' needs their own space sometimes. Maybe a wedding isn't a great place to meet his parents - the eyes of the world on you and all that - maybe you need to suggest that he takes you to their house one Sunday afternoon. If he is reluctant to do so then you need to get to the bottom of his fears/ reluctance - only you can work out if it means he doesn't think the relationship is serious enough to be out in the public arena, or has interpersonal problems with his friends and family that mean he is trying to protect you. Good luck!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): I still say that after strike three in the lies department...and especially after expressing your wishes...this man has no idea of how to treat the woman he is supposed to love and it does not look like he is about to stop his lying ways.
You should be invited as you are the woman in his life. You are boyfriend and girlfriend yes?
This isn't a healthy relationship. You shouldn't be begging to meet his parents and be at the wedding.
He is withdrawn and selfish, not private.
It does sound like there is no hope.
Honey, what is your idea of a relationship; what does it look like?
What do you want and expect in a life partner?
I am going to suggest some counseling. You are in need of some support and validation as it seems bf is unable to be this for you. Get some as with it will come renewed strength and insight which will help you sort this out.
If you still want to work on this relationship with bf, then suggest couples counselling. I am thinking this may be asking to much of withdrawn and selfish bf but it is needed if improvement is to be had.
In the end, you may just have to realize that bf is not the life partner you want and need.
Good luck Sweetie.
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