A
female
age
36-40,
*inalae
writes:To keep it short, my bf was showing me some pictures of him, and when he was going through different albums I happen to see an album cover which had the picture of his ex wife,besides this picture they send text messages to each other/communicate on a regular basis (I really don’t know who starts the message or conversation) and he even sees her in person when she needs a favor from him, should I feel worried an concerned or not. he is a great person with me, treats me very nice, but I want him to forget about her an move on. I get they where married for quite some time but they don’t have even have kids together so I don’t get all the communication between them. She is 58 and he is 46, I am 30.Plus the WORST is that yesterday we were together, and when we were going back home, he was checking his messages and he then tells me:'' it was my ex wife she texted me that her car broke down'' she is with a friend. and then when we get home he tells me let me call her, so he goes outside, why in the world would he not call her in front of me? you see this is what makes my head spin around, , the other thing that I don't get why the hell does she have to call him to tell him that? and the worst part is that he sometimes goes an caters to her needs, like if he was her puppet, I feel he is a fool for being a way to nice after a divorce people usually don't get this along after a DIVORCE! Honestly I really don't know what to do, if just get it over with and have a conversation with him an tell him to forget his past and move on, I just cant keep swallowing my thoughts over an over. this has to stop or I am out. Why in the freaking world is he with me if lets say he still ha feelings for her? does not make sense at all.
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex, move on, my ex, swallow, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2018): This is a situation for a sit-down/face-to-face talk. No commercial-interruptions, and no beating around the bush.
That means be assertive and straightforward. Not teary, emotional, or nag at him. Show calmness and strength. Be confident in yourself.
You can't regulate or dictate whom your boyfriend chooses to be his friends. Let that be understood. He should set guidelines for times and frequency of contact with his "female-friends" in particular. You don't mention any kids between them; but they have a history that will never be erased. That you will simply have to deal with.
Now comes the big HOWEVER! She had her chance, and it ended in divorce. If she was still married to him; there would be no legal divorce decree on record; and they should still be living together. You're not a mistress or a third-wheel; you're his woman, and his current girlfriend.
In most cases; ex-wives who continue frequent and regular contact have children between her and her ex. So it's an inconvenient, but necessary, excuse. Otherwise; she's just calling herself being a wedge; because her ego can't accept that he's sleeping with another woman. She resents his disconnection with her, and new-found love-connection with you. She wants to establish her place as a permanent-figure; and leading him around by the nose (or his prick) is her way of getting her message across to you.
It's a competition. It's a deliberate in-your-face disturbance. He's showing you the utmost disrespect by jumping when she says jump; and expecting you to sit passively and be quiet. Shut-up and put-up!
If you're scared to say anything. Why? Maybe you are thinking you're showing him how secure you are. It's not working. It's enabling him to cater to her whims; while pushing you to second-place in his life.
I'm sorry, but women have to learn not to sit still for men who have post-divorce marriages with their ex-wives. It's time she got a life; and he reset his priorities. Men for the most part, won't sit idly-by; while his woman is chasing and scraping for her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband. Our egos can't handle it. Our male-egos and territorial-instincts go crazy! Most guys will drop you like a hot-coal; or get a woman on the side to get even.
Time to set some boundaries about the frequency and unnecessary urgency of his rescue-missions concerning his ex-wife. Tell him how it makes you feel, and you're not going to let-up on it. You have to know if you're wasting your time?
Where does he draw the line? He has to let her know that her frequent and deliberate interruptions are rude and disrespectful of your time together as a couple. She needs to move on, and get herself another man. You need to read your man the "Riot-Act;" and let him know you deserve more respect and consideration than that. Your time could be better spend with a man who appreciates and respects you. Someone both available and devoted to you. Not an ex!
We receive a continuous flow of posts from women regarding their men; and their unbreakable and continuous flow of contact with their exes.
What most of these women fail to do, is quietly observe how chummy and involved ex-girlfriends and wives are with their new man. Evaluate how he reacts and responds in their presence and how often they remain in-contact.
Before jumping feet-first into a probable love-triangle with a meddlesome-ex! Allowing some guy to make her feel awkward and insecure; as if the guy is so precious of a prize, that she can't walkaway. Once she's had enough of the 3-way bullshit going down in their relationship. If you have to fight over a man; he's not fully-committed to you. That's the harsh reality.
It's her or you. If he chooses her; then walk. It's time to establish which woman has priority in his life; and you should be secure enough in yourself as a woman to not allow a man to play you through a competition of dibs over him.
Contrary to what his male-ego may tell him; he ain't man enough for two women. That is, if that's what he's trying to prove.
There's no excuse for the way he's handing the situation; if you are accurately and honestly describing the situation.
If you deliberately left-out the fact there are children involved. Then you somewhat weaken your position, and have little choice; but to allow for matters that may involve the children. Some guys kiss their ex's asses to lessen the pressure for alimony, child-support, or child visitation rights. Tiptoeing around her to keep things civil.
You have to let him know, that you don't share men; and you expect him to be as attentive and committed to the relationship as you are.
Don't settle for anything less. Have enough strength and confidence to let him go, if you have to. Otherwise; keep complaining and competing. It's a win-win situation for the man in the middle. He always has someone on his side; and it's how some guys keep the new-gal in-check. Knowing he always has a woman willing to take her place, and stick by his side. Unfair advantage.
I bet he wouldn't like your exes contacting you constantly; while taking their calls out of earshot!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 May 2018):
 You need to talk to him about how you are feeling. Have you been together long? Does the ex know that you even exist? If you are not comfortable then you need to be honest with him. Relationships are based on trust and communication and you really need to open up to him. It could be that they are both still stuck in a routine of relying on each other, it doesn't mean he has romantic feelings for her, they did get divorced for a reason.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (24 May 2018):
 I get that it’s possible to remain friends with exes, but to this extent where he’s going to help her with things still? I wouldn’t be okay with that either.
I’d be honest with him, tell him how you feel about it and give him chance to explain his side and take it from there. I’d be curious as to why she can’t get other people to help her with these favours.
...............................
|
