A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for over 1 year and six months now but we keep having a big issue:her smoking weed. She's been smoking well before she met me so it's not something rather recent. We've discussed it and I've told her I don't like it, though I don't have a particular reason why. She says that since she's been doing it before she met me then I shouldn't ask her to change for me. I've asked her and she's said if I gave her an ultimatum, she wouldn't choose me. I understand her not thinking she should have to change to be with me but am I out of line wanting it and being hurt she wouldn't choose me? She loves me but she has told me she loves smoking and I shouldn't make her choose between two things she loves especially since I don't have a reason for not liking her doing it, it just bothers me. Input?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2013):
 IF she was doing it before she was with you and you just don’t like her smoking marijuana, then I fear you will either have to leave her or accept her behavior as you already have.
She is right, she was doing it before she met you and you knew this when you started with her. And if you give her an ultimatum, “stop doing something you like doing that you were doing before you met me or I’m leaving, then she has every right to say “don’t let the door hit you on the way out”
You can be hurt that she won’t choose you over something she likes to do but you can’t be surprised can you?
My husband drinks. He was drinking long before I met him. He’s killing himself with his alcohol use and I want him to stop. BUT, I would never make him choose… he will choose the alcohol. And no I’m not hurt… he’s an alcoholic and has an addiction.
If you don’t like it, then it’s on you to leave or accept it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Okay lets turn this around so OP, how would you feel if she turned around and said choose, me or chocolate? That she wants you to never eat chocolate again, she doesn't know why but she just demands that you stop.
OP 'it just bothers me' is your problem not hers.
She smoked it before she got with you, so why the hell did you get with her? So you basically just just told her straight up that she bothers you. You don't like how she lives her life when it was the exact way she lived with it before you even met.
OP the word reasonable has the word reason in it for a reason, you don't have a reason so therefore any ultimatum would be unreasonable. Frankly you'd be a bit of an idiot to make an ultimatum on the basis of "just because...".
Input? Accept it or go. You obviously don't love her, or you wouldn't have this thin in your mind that she'd "more perfect if" you're being incredibly unfair.
OP make sure your next partner doesn't do things that bother to the point where you feel the need to demand they stop. No one is perfect and we have all things we don't necessary like but tolerate in each other, you can't tolerate this so just go, let her find someone who doesn't think she needs to change her lifestyle to suit them.
And next time don't date someone who smokes weed.
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