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male
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anonymous
writes: here goes...I am 35 and married with 2 kids who I love more than anything in the world. my problem is, my ex girlfriend. For the past few years, I can't seem to stop thinking about her. This girl was my soulmate but things just never worked out for us to be together. It seemed like every summer we would get together and then one thing or another would happen and we would break up but I always thought that we would end up together. The last time we were actually "boyfriend and girlfriend" she broke up with me when we were both away at different colleges. She was a freshman and I kind of knew it was gonna happen because I was being really overprotective and stuff and I mean I didn't want to hold her back from being able to experience the entire college thing so. Anyways, when she was doing her thing in college, I ended up getting together with this other girl (now my wife) and fell in love. She ended up going back with her ex (this guy that she used to always dump to go back with me) and so it went. It was wierd too because we still "hooked up" the next 2 summers cheating on them with each other. Anyway..the 2nd of the 2 summers we were together one night and she said that she "couldn't do this" anymore, that we had to either break up with the 2 of them and be real or stop seeing each other. I didn't know what to do. At this point I had been "going out" with my too be wife for like almost 4 years. I really did love her, or so I thought, but I also loved my ex but was afraid that she would just "dump" me again when she went back to school. Anyway, I tried to talk her into keeping things like they were and figured that if I could keep things the same way I would find out if she was really serious this time and that "what is meant to be will happen" meaning that it would work itself out such that if I was meant to be with my ex me and the other would eventually break up but if not then we would stay together. fast forward 2 more years and I didn't see her at all. I got engaged but was still thinking about my ex and what happened and that she is the real one I should be with. She was also still with this othe guy too. So I decided to send her a letter. In the letter I didn't actually say what I was feeling, I kind of beat around the bush and was hoping that if she still had feelings for me she woudl say it. She wrote me back and said that she was happy for me and that she was happy with her situation and that she was going to be getting engaged soon too. I figured that OK, this was how it was "meant to be". what a load of crap. I have regretted not telling her my true feelings for so long now. At least if I said that I still had feelings for her and she didn't have them for me I would know for sure. Anyway.. I still see her every now and then (maybe like twice a year) and she is now pregant and seems happy. I could never, ever tell her now because I don't wanna be a homewrecker and, like I said, she seems really really happy and I love her so if she is happy then I am happy for her but I am miserable. my wife and me is another story all together that I won't get into here..suffice to say that she is not the person for me but I love my kids and want to see them everyday so I say and pretend like everything is OK. Not the best thing to do because it pushed me into drug addiction to kill the pain but I am over that and trying to deal with life the way it is. I guess the moral of my story is don't believe in " what is meant to be", make your own life how you want to make it. Regret is the worst, it totally sucks not to know what would have, could have happened if you just took the chance... SO here I sit, 34 years old and feeling like my life is over and that I will never ever be happy, WHAT CAN I DO??? nothing just take it like a man...
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female
reader, Understand ya  +, writes (10 June 2009):
I really feel for you and I was in this place for a while longing for an ex. I am going to be frank but you are likely pining for your youth more than your ex. Your ex represents a time in your life when things were easy and exciting. Now you are married with responsibilities. You would probably pining for your current wife had you married your ex is the reality. You are romanticizing a relationship to escape the reality that the carefree days of your youth is gone.
What you need to do is just stop. Take charge of your life. Let go of your past by focusing on what you have in your life - focus on the present. Look at your wife and remember why you fell in love with her and then let go and fall back in love with her. Embrace that you are a family man. Love looks different now....it is mature....it isn't all butterflies in the stomach and all that stuff that comes with young love. Rather, it is looking at someone and knowing that person is with you through thick and thin. Knowing that person is the one you will grow old with. You only live once. If you want to spend the small window of time you have with children at home sitting around daydreaming about the past, you are going to wake up one day an old man and realize you truly missed the best part of your life. Accept the choices you made and make the best of rest of this one life God gave you.
A
female
reader, wanderer +, writes (20 March 2009):
I would like to talk to you as I am 34 year old woman in the exact same situation and trying desperately to figure out what to do and maybe from a woman's perspective it will help you also.
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A
female
reader, secondbest +, writes (21 April 2006):
i feel for you, i am in the same position, people say there is a life out there, but for me there is,nt, i lost my soulmate and my world of 10yrs, he has told me he has moved on, he is living with someone else, i am on anti,depressants and valium, if it was.nt for my 2 kids i would,nt be here, for 8 months i havent worked or slept, i just cant get my head around the fact that another woman is making my man happy, it eats at me 24/7 i know in my heart i will never be happy again...........
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A
female
reader, Mariels +, writes (21 April 2006):
Hello,
I'm not married and I don't know exactly what's happening with your wife, but I just have to say that I feel for you. It's insane that you are still in love with someone after all these years. You tried to move on with your life, and your ex-girlfriend is also moving on with hers. There might not be a chance for you both to be together again unless you both want to give up what you currently have. Even if you both agree to get back together, what happens to the children? There is a lot going on in your life and in your head at the moment. If you really think your ex girlfriend is what you want, then maybe you should talk to her. However, she is pregnant with another man's child so it won't just be about you two. She comes as a package now - her and the baby. You have to think seriously if this is what you want, and how your own children will feel. If you and your wife are not working out that that's another thing like you said. If you and your ex still talk, then just tell her what's in your heart and see what she says. At least you will have got it off your chest and you will know whether it's ever going to happen or not. Sorry I couldn't bbe of more help, good luck xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): Re read your first statement. " I'm married with 2 kids who I love more than anything in the world."
The truth is right there. Whatever you are going through could probably be helped by talking this through with a counsellor. They would help you to work out why you have never closed the door on this previous relationship of such a long time ago. I expect it's common when a marriage is stale or in trouble to look at a seemingly perfect previous relationship and want it back. The trouble is you are not a young free man any more, and the lady in question isn't either.Something else to bear in mind is that your relationship with her could have gone just as wrong had you continued it. Because this is about YOU and where YOU are in your life, being with her instead of your wife may not have made much difference to how you are feeling about yourself right now.
How would you cope with seeing your kids once a week and having them look sad because their Daddy left home. The answer is probably that you need to work out why your marriage is in the condition it is in, and something to bear in mind is that when one marriage partner is sad, lonely or hurt, the other one is usually feeling the same way too.
You have fought one addiction and to be honest your feelings about this other woman are an addiction too. Your goal should be to free yourself from it. Talk to someone, there's a good resource on the net called 'relationship web' (link) a counsellor would be best.
Hopefully, with help, your next message could read
" I'm married with 2 kids who I love more than anything else and I've just put my life back in a better place."
Good luck.
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