A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Hope you can help me with my marriage and whether this is normal. I have been married 5 years. We have a 3 year old and I have 2 stepchildren. My husband is a really wonderful father and works really hard. I work full time as well. I don’t feel appreciated, listened too or desired anymore. After countless coversations asking for hugs, kisses and sex, this changes for a week but then reverts back. I have suggested date nights, but all he wants to do is be on his Facebook. When we do have a conversation, it nearly always turns into an argument. I dream of a life some without him, but then I love my husband and don’t want my marriage to end. He has said he doesn’t want it to end either, but never desires me. I am terrified of splitting my family up as well and live to regret. I am unhappy, but marriage is hard right? I am nearly 40 and feel this would make me lonely. My husband does loads too - cooks tea, looks after us, but never wants me. If I speak he simply doesn’t listen or acknowledge my feelings. Please help.
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female
reader, hilary +, writes (19 May 2020):
 Your husband shows he loves you in his ways, chores etc, but you want affection too. I can understand that. But where this is going wrong big time is that you keep asking him to do things, instead of just deciding it will be done. i.e. YOU decide there will be a date night, just the two of you with no interruptions guaranteed, you tell him it is happening, you do not suggest it and let him call the shots and put it off and ignore it. You dress up, you look your best, nice new hair do, perfume and all the rest ready for that evening/day. You make sure there are no arguments leading up to it even if it means biting your tongue and smiling when he says something really silly or annoying. Leading up to then praise him and flatter him a bit, flirt with him a bit, brush his hand with yours now and then, that type of thing. He has to see that he is wanted and there is an incentive for him to flirt with you. You can ask him what needs to be done or changed so that you are happier together. If you do always make it open ended questions, not stuff where he can avoid partaking by just saying yes or no or something.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2020): Can the last male responder please site evidence that males are instinctively polyamourous , actua scientific evidence not none type of mysogynistic men going their own way stuff . Also their is not medical or scientific evidence of men having a menopause . Sure some men experience changes in hormones but this can happen to men OR women at any time of life and is not a menopause which by its very nature men’s to pause the menses . To even imply men go through what women do is disingenuous
It gets so old hearing how bored men get of their long term female partners . So they somehow not think women get bored of them too ? It’s really quite incredible how these sexist ideas continue about men needing variety and getting so bored as if women are somehow content with one man and find monogamy natural or easy
Reaaltionships take work , whether one is a man or a woman . The OP clearly needs a medical check and if all is right then perhaps he needs to be asked about what the problem is for him in the relationship
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2020): You don't say how old your husband is so I assume he is over forty. Men just like women have what is called male menopause. Just like in women in some men it sets in the early 40s and in some it may happen as late as their late 50s. This is a time where the body undergoes tremendous hormonal changes that cause dwindling desire for sex besides other psychological changes. I know when it happened to me I thought I was going crazy or having a nervous breakdown. Also he could be having enlarged prostate or cardiovascular problems which cause erectile dysfunction and unability to have sex. Also you say you have two step sons so I assume they are his sons from a previous marriage. How is your relationship with them ? Do you have any problems with them? Can he be angry concerning your handling of his boys ? Also it can be just stress at work or overwork or financial worries. Sorry to say, but like many husbands in long term marriages he could be bored of sex with the same woman. Don't forget men instinctively like the males of all other species are basicaly polygamous creatures so marriage can be stifling to them. Of course also it can be non of these. These are just some of the likely causes I can think of. There can be a myriad other causes. I advise you to be patient and somehow convince him to see a doctor regarding the health issues because if there are any health issues they will not go away by themselves. They only get worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2020): The thing about long-term domestic-life is that it becomes comfortable, predictable, complacent, and routine. For some reason, women and society expect men to be hot and horny all the time; and if a guy seems uninterested in sex he is either watching porn, having an affair, impotent, or it must be something wrong with "me." Sometimes any of these things may be the case, but he's also a human being. We change, our bodies change, and we age.
News flash! Just like women, sometimes men just don't seem all that interested in sex; the shoe is sometimes on the other foot. Sometimes priorities have to be juggled. Sleep is needed more than sex!
Men often hate doctors and will not take care of their health. It's important that he gets yearly physicals to make sure there are no undetected medical maladies that can cause erectile dysfunction; or health-issues that could lower his energy-levels and sex-drive. He can't always be a couch-potato, he has to get physical-exercise to keep the blood pumping and his libido surging. Testosterone levels start to plateau and decline around age 35; and sex-drive is likely to decline or drop significantly. If there is a drastic change, he should see his doctor immediately. Some over-the-counter allergy medications and prescribed meds can cause temporary ED! Read the labels for side-effects!
If you want intercourse, he's ashamed if he can't get or maintain his erection. Sometimes he may not be in the mood for weeks or months. If you've been with the same partner for years, you become friends and somewhat platonic. Why that happens, nobody knows? He's your best-friend, but not much of a lover. Then sex-play and teasing needs to be reintroduced to cause some arousal. Get frisky! Don't insist on sex then and there. It's pressure! Sometimes you've got to warm him up!
Men are required to be a provider and the protector of his household. That's also a lot of pressure. What is expected of a man is different than what society expects from women.
He has another life. The job! His livelihood. Some men connect their masculinity to their earning-power. If he doesn't earn as much as he thinks he should, he feels inadequate and emasculated. It's a guy-thing! He feels less than manly. Compared to when she feels bloated, has now passed the age of 30-40-50; or notices a little extra-weight in the wrong places. Suddenly, sex just seems to take a back-burner. The desire for sex may be there; but you don't feel desirable. It messes with your head; then it follows that it affects your ability to be passionate or romantic.
Work becomes a priority when a guy has several mouths to feed; even with a working spouse, he has his duty as a husband and a father to hold-up his end. If suddenly there is one income, he must be prepared. There has to be resources on reserve, he has to be prepared for unexpected medical-expenses, he has to be prepared for huge car repair bills, or house repairs; so work becomes a priority. Men think differently from women and our responsibilities or priorities sometimes differ. Sometimes coming home from work, all a guy wants to do is open a beer, and fallout on the couch. It's not that you aren't lovely or sexy, he's just plain tired. Sleep is preferred to sex when you're dog-tired! Yes, you work too; but you're you, and he's another person dealing with his own issues. Men may not display a lot of emotion on the outside; but tons of things are going-on on the inside!
Put time aside for just the two of you. Get the kids out of the house. Maybe take a short vacation just the two of you. Sometimes you just need to get him heated-up and aroused; and remind him he's a man. He doesn't need your whining and complaining about it; because the matter then becomes nagging and contentious. You don't get him hot and bothered for you when you're whining and nagging. You watch movies on TV, and see all that phony passionate love-making; and suddenly you want it. In real-life, passion ebbs and flows. Sometimes it surges, it's on fire; and other times, it will fizzle and run tepid. That's life. Our sex-drives don't always synchronize. BTW, if in the past you turned him down for sex over and over; that is a form of conditioning. It hurts to be rejected, and he will become less inclined or hesitant to approach you. Some guys prefer you to initiate sex, before he gets heated-up. Why must he always have to do it? Just so you can knock him down when he's all aroused? Think ladies before you do things like that. What goes around comes around!
Let's be real. He may not find you sexy running around in sweats and your hair in a mess. Like it or not, men are visual-creatures; and just because you don't like that fact won't undo how nature has wired us. No, you don't have to walk around in a bustier, fishnets, and spiked heels (though it might help); but just being sweet and fresh may be all it takes. It won't always be like when you first met. You aren't that new to each-other anymore. Passion can be rekindled, but it takes tenderness and understanding; you can't force it out of anyone. Sexual-attraction can sometimes take a dive; but it takes love and some understanding and a couple working patiently with each other to rekindle it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 May 2020):
Marriage, like ANY long term relationship, is hard and require constant investments and work. There will be times where it requires less work, some more, but it's not as simple as saying your vows and everything will be perfect from then on.
Have you sat him down (after the kids are in bed) and asked him WHAT should WE do to fix this?
Have you tried to GIVE him what it is YOU crave? As in, using positive reinforcement, basically. Show him without telling him what you need.
Don't TALK about date nights - PLAN one. Give him a couple of days advanced notice - like clear your calendar Friday from 6:30 pm and meet me at the front door dressed to go out (now this might have to wait for the lock-down to be over, but you get the gist).
Sometimes TALKING isn't working. Like the saying goes, actions speaks louder than words. Giving him a laundry list of ALL the things he does wrong won't promote change.
If all that fails, you NEED to have another chat and ask him WHAT is going on with him. Could HE feel unappreciated? overworked, stressed, depressed?
And lastly, marriage counseling. IF he wants to make the marriage work, truly. And you have tried al that you can think of, I would give that a go. Maybe he needs to hear it from someone else.
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