A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys! So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now and everything is great.. we'll kind of. He is everything I want in a man, except for one thing, he lacks drive and motivation. As someone who is the complete opposite, it drives me crazy. He always has excuses for everything and has no sense of urgency to get anything done. He just puts everything off and doesn't really care much about working on himself. He has a full time job and goes to school but has no clue what he even wants to do... and he's 26 years old. I don't see him as a bad person but as someone who just has a different personality than me.. which I don't believe makes him a bad person. Anyone have advice? How can I motivate him? I don't want to change him but to inspire him. How can I be more accepting of him so I don't end up resenting him? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (2 June 2017):
 This is who he is. Accept this. You can try all you like but in the end it is the horse-to-water syndrome. Get on with what you want to do and leave him to his own devices. You are going to drive him nuts if you start nagging. He wants the life he wants. You either love him for who he is or not.
If he were 'driven', as you confess yourself to be, it would be a very different relationship and one you might not like as much.
If he can find work that inspires him then things might change. He will then be motivated. Work will no longer be work to him. However most of the planet is involved in tasks that don't inspire them. They then have to achieve a work/life balance wherein the lucrative part supports play.
If he has any interests encourage them. If he doesn't then try some new pursuits yourself and invite him along. One might just grab him. Let's hope it's not golf LOL!
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (2 June 2017):
 Have you heard the expression: "Don't push your luck"?
Think about that a bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): He sounds like a pothead! Sorry, just joking. He's just a regular-Joe! The everyday guy. Sounds like a tad bit of a slob. Stop me if I went too far! You said he doesn't take care of himself. That's what I would assume you mean.
I can easily conclude that you're both incompatible people who like each other. You're different personalities with conflicting outlooks. He likes you for you, but you'd be happier if he were more ambitious. That's what makes you incompatible. Sounds like the makings of a stay at-home dad!
Unless he's untidy and the kind of baby-man who needs a mommy-type girlfriend to pick-up after him.
Why complain after six years? Oh, I forgot! The infamous 3-5 year stage!!! The make-it or break-it phase of a relationship.
This is where it comes down to: (1)Either put a ring on it; or let's part and be friends. (2) We're tired of each other, and sex is boring or has stopped. (3) We're pushing 30; and he has to poop, or get of the pot! (4) The biological-clock is ticking, and your friends are all married! (5) Or, you already have a kid or two; and he doesn't seem to want to legitimize the family-unit.
If two out of three are correct, he's got to go; and pay child-support, if applicable.
If it was okay with you, would you have written a post about it for advice? Only you know what you can live with for any extended period of time; or what you expect from your mate.
If you're a go-getter and ambitious type; I would say what you've described is a mismatch. He sounds like a lay-back, live-by the day, kind of dude. They rarely change.
Does he have a trust-fund or does his family own a business? That would mean his future is already cut-out for him; so he can breeze through college. Money or a job is waiting for him after graduation.
Trying to motivate him may be the same as trying to change him. He's 26!!! That's a grown- man, and most guys that age are already in the middle of executing whatever goals they have. If he's a professional-student, or started college late; he's comfortable meeting his goals at a later stage in life.
If he's in the arts, they don't exhibit hardcore-ambition; because creative-people can be either very cerebral, or weird/oddball-ish. They don't exactly fit any mold, and they surprise you with what they so humbly carry-on inside of them. They live in their heads, tend to be dreamers; and you're stunned and awed at what they can produce from their imaginations, or pull from a hidden-talent. Like each of my siblings. Each followed they're passions; and are very good at what they do.
My boyfriend's parents sent two of their three sons to college. My boyfriend went to a trade-school and worked construction. He learned carpentry, masonry, paving, and he is damned good at that! He loves that kind of work.
He started his own business at the age of 24. From his own savings, and money his grandfather left him.
Of the three sons, he is a self-made millionaire. The other two became a tax lawyer, and an orthodontist. They aren't millionaires. He built a stone and paving business from scratch. He builds pools, fancy walls, driveways, patios; and ornamental-fireplaces, or fire-pits. He restores chimneys and antique fireplaces in mansions and fancy homes. His business is booming. They thought he was going to be nothing but a gym-rat and construction-worker. So they never pushed him, they let him be himself. He has wonderful parents. He spoils them!
Before you resent him, you should let him go. Find someone compatible and not requiring motivation, or a makeover. Your boo should be self-motivated; or live his life at his own speed. That's his right as an individual. If that's one of the things that doesn't suit you? I'd say it's big enough to be a deal-breaker. I can tell, because it bothers you too much.
Lack of ambition doesn't always make people lazy or bad people. Some people prefer a simpler life, and live by their own code. They aren't pressured or don't get caught in the rush. Sometimes they only get-by, but they are happy.
That's not good enough for someone who wants more for/from him. So you leave him in your dust, and keep moving forward.
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