A
female
age
41-50,
*ngelella
writes:I have been in a 5 month relationship with an amazing man who I met online. He moved from Scotland to Bristol to live with me and my daughter. He has supported me through my depression that appeared from nowhere. He often though goes into his 'cave' and shuts off. My insecurities kick in and I'm worried that my response to his behaviour will kill our relationship. He says he loves me and I love him. How do I act the way men like? How do I act confident? He won't share his emotional stresses with me. Now he isn't speaking to me because I ran off to my parents because I couldnt handle the silence. He said that he's been let down by the people who are supposed to care (me). I would crumble if he left yet it's hard to live in the atmosphere here when he shuts off. I think he feels that he works all week and doesn't get time to himself. How can I make life exciting for him?RegardsBella
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): He went to live with you. Does that say anything? Can he not support himself? Why is he shutting you out? Why are you so petrified to loose a man who doesn't even communicate with you? In my opinion, he does not love you, he is using you and he has no desire to get emotionally close to you. Stop worrying about how to make him happy & realize he will never be happy no matter what. And move onto someone who's not so weird.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): You will never make a man like this happy. I just need to know why a man would say he loves you but his distant aloofness, his shutting off is bringing you pain and uncertainty. The real, hard answer...he doesn't love you. If you have spoken to your guy about his behaviors and asked for change, to improve the relationships but he's not listening nor trying, nor meeting you halfway..then he's being psychologically abusive. Plain and Simple. He's far too complicated, he's not helping to stimulate the love here. In humans...one's behaviors always, always determine their true feelings. And he's not treating you in the loving way you deserve...I think you have the hard answer and you need to make a tough decision, My advice...dump him and move on and never change who 'you really are' to satisfy anyone. They always love you just for who you are...quirks and all.
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A
female
reader, rockelle  +, writes (7 December 2007):
 The best way to solve the problem is to communicate with him. Tell him exactly what you told us. If I were you I would appreciate the silence. Maybe the silence is his way of dealing with something that has nothing to do with you.The worst thing to do when you are fighting with you bf is to leave the house, unless you think he is going to do something to hurt you or your child. Otherwise you should stay there making an effort to work things out. Relationships aren't easy but they are worth all the trouble once you get over the bumps that sometimes occur.Your relationship is fairly new, so you still have a lot to learn about him. You do not have to change who you are or how you act.If you want to improve something about yourself do it for you not for him. Talk to him tell himhow you feel and I think things will go a lot smoother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007): What you have to do is not think that you are at the centre of every reaction he has. You can’t control him so let him be himself. Tell him you are there if he needs you and go shopping or to see friends. Stop thinking so hard about his feelings and what negative things they may imply about your relationship. People like positive people. This habit of turning every emotion he has into personal affront is not realistic. It seems needy and selfish, I know because I have done it myself. I am sorting it out by seeing a good cognitive behavioural therapist who is helping me question my reactions and see things from new perspectives. There is an event, you select the “lens” that you see it through, you react. Your lens is one which is afraid and it is a protective one. Sadly though, extreme reactions provoke the exact opposite response that you want. I am sure you would like to influence his thinking and show balanced concern about issues without obsessing them into overwhelming states. Old habits die hard but the sooner you can really see the alternatives to being so unhelpful to yourself, the better. Get in touch with a good CBT person as fast as you can. Read about it. You will soon start to see the possibilities and regain your optimism. I promise it is something of a revelation and I wish you every bit of luck.
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