A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been together 4 years... Things used to be fab... in the main they are ... but we seem to be just coasting along and no getting very far. It all stemed ages ago(2years) when i made a suggestion of introducing a 3rd party to our sex life. Only for me a girl on girl while he watched. For a while this was fun looking for this girl, having awesome sex in between on the back of that fanatasy. Long story short, after about a year search it never happend, i didnt like the girl(s) etc, and all he could see was that i had promised something that i coulndt deliver. I guess i just chickened out as i was worried it would lead to other things, but instead of saying that i just let it carry on for a while... Anyway now things these days are hard for our sex life... we have sex about once a month and thts not enough for me, but he cant see why its a problem... i want to feel desired, want him to want me, he says he does, we just dont have sex, it came to a head the other night and I realised that hes harbouring this instance when i had said no.. so in his head i lied to him about it and its affected our sex life. Almost like telling him something we cant have.. in the main hes loving and caring but this has tarred us a little and its so hard to get it all back. He's accepted it as he loves me and we are still very much in love this just clouds it all a little.... i just want to be a normal couple that have sex once or twice a week, and this doesnt happen, and when it doesnt happen hes like whats the problem ? its only us doing the same deed at the weekends as it ever was! made me feel like hes not attracted to me, but he said attraction isnt just about sex, and why do i make it all about sex all the time, So its like hes turned off his sex head towards me.... It doesnt help that we dont have many friends, so its us together all the time not doing much else.. so its not just the past issues, its like well we are together all the time and there is no yearning for one another, and no higher level of conversation... so i guess in a sense we have gone stale.... we do love each other and in all other aspects remain the adoring couple.. its just the sex thats gone and its hurting like hell.. its almost like we need to get the rest of the realtionship back on track before the sex can come back... so How do we do this ? Hurting so bad as its hard to make advances to a man that says hes got a headache, or he wants to watch this, or just doesnt feel like it.. i can understand we are all different, but we had such a wonderful sex life and now its all gone... where do we go, how do we get our relatinoship back ? Where do we need to make the effort ? We do still very much love each other, its an odd situation, all other aspects are great doing things for one another, and doing what couples do.. its just crazy and im dying inside please help...
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 I don’t think your problems come only out of this story about you suggesting having a threesome. Maybe he has made it into that, but still it doesn’t make sense. That is all about fantasies and it is not at all strange to change your mind about this and want to back out. And if only this story made it all go wrong, then what was this relation with him worth in the first place? It sounds from other things you tell though, that there are other problems. The fact you don’t seem to have much of a social life with other friends sounds like a problem to me. Did you have friends before you became a couple? Maybe both of you should try and get back with previous friends or get new friends to have a more social life? Also you could find something you both like, for example a sailing course or planning a trip somewhere you have always wanted to go? Something that can snap you out of the ordinary routine life you might have gone stuck in? If he continues telling you he thinks you lied to him about the second girl, then you must talk about that. You must tell him how you feel now about it. Does he really want you to do something sexual that would make you feel uncomfortable? That would be a dangerous game. Ask him what is really on his mind, because I don’t believe that is all that makes him feel the way he does.
Wish you all the best!
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