A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. I am in a relationship with someone, but am not happy. I haven't been for a while, and I think that the 'emotional distance' is just too far gone to salvage at this point. I am planning on leaving as soon as possible.Here is where the problem comes in: I have met a guy... okay, so we sorta work together, and even though I hardly know him, I am totally infatuated with him. I think about him day and night, make excuses to try to catch a glimpse of him and talk to him. He knows I am in a bad relationship and has encouraged me to leave. I also know he is in another relationship and seems happy in that.What do I do? How do I quit thinking about him and imagining us together???? I would never do ANYTHING to jeopardise his current relationship, but I just can't stop obsessing over him! Just the thought that there is no chance (which there really isn't) we will ever be together is enough to make me cry!It's not that I don't want to remain friends with him, but I want to stop the agony over wanting someone I can never have: does anyone know how to do that? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Your situation is very similar to mine, so hopefully my viewpoint while I'm in the same boat will help you, while I also get things off my own chest.I am crazy about a man I work with. We were plunked in the same room, one year ago. I was in a relationship and happy enough with the guy I was with, but I fell so deeply in love with P that I knew I didn't love D and broke it off with D, really not expecting to start anything with the man I work with because he is already with someone, we work together etc. etc. I am still as desperately in love with him now as I was then, maybe even more so, but I know that waiting any longer will be the end of me. There have been lots of non-verbal messages...I am not a young woman and I can see he feels the same way, but I cannot wait any longer, so I will be going out with others, to get my mind off him. I don't suggest you leave your boyfriend unless you are absolutely sure you don't want to be with him, as there are no guarantees, and if you are prepared to be on your own. I am sorry.....I know how you feel.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 March 2008):
 Well whatever you do -- do NOT leave your current relationship expecting to be with the guy at work. He's already with someone else and while he may be supportive of you being happy, that doesn't mean he'll be part of your happiness. So take a step backwards and put things into perspective. If you are not happy at home, then take care of that first. If there's no chance of rekindling your relationship and making it better, then get out. But don't set yourself up for another big disappointment by romanticizing about the guy at work. Just enjoy your freedom for awhile and it might be best if you keep your distance from the guy at work because you obviously have strong feelings for him. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Okay, my two cents worth!.
Firstly, sorry your current relationship is the issue.
And that being said, this is actually - as you have identified the problem.
Because this guy is being nice to you you have latched on emotionally in any case, to him being perhaps the strength you need to end the bad relationship. So all your emotions and dreams and fantasies are lumped into the feelings you have for this guy. He is your knight in shining armour.
But, your a big girl now and know this already. He is the distraction you are using to avoid some big decisions!
I am sure you must agree really. Your infatuation is distracting you and making it more complicated than it need to be.
We see many, many posts or problems relating to being confused and tempted to pursues something or someone when our life is not panning out as we had anticipated. Frequently alot of the questions lead to knew discoveries for the question asker and lead people to knew discoveries, about their present situations and themselves.
This is one of those questions.
Let us help you with your primary relationship problems and you may find that your feelings about this guy, sort themselves out as being just friendship and you will start to become less confused and more focused on your future choices. Until then, keep mindful that you are longing for someone you don't even rarely know. You also know he is not trying to seduce or take advantage of you. Don't abuse that and be desperate to have someone care. It is not real and will continue to hinder you from getting your life back on a good, even track!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): I am the one who posted this question!!Hope: You know: I think you may be on to something there! Maybe I am obsessing because he seems like such a great guy...treats his girlfriend well, is educated and very kind and loving! Maybe I just want so bad what they seem to have that I have become infatuated with him when what I really want isn't him: it's the type of love he seems to share! That makes sense! That is the best answer I have ever recieved to this problem from anyone! And you are right! My obessing is making it impossible to focus on anything without thoughts of him creeping in! I have tried burying myself in work, sports, everything: it just isn't working! Maybe this new way to think about it will help! Thank you so much!Ask Oldsister: first of all, let me get this straight for you: you are right that there are two separate issues here: yes, I have made up my mind to leave my current relationship: but I HAVE NOT had an 'personal' relations with the man I have become infatuated with! In fact, I have never seen him on a personal level: we only speak while at work and have NEVER even run into each other elsewhere!! To tell you the truth as to how well I know him outside of a professional setting: I DONT EVEN KNOW HIS LAST NAME!!! LOLAs far as my actions: We have talked, he has helped me realize that the relationship I am in is not a good one and that I deserve better. I have never even mentioned my infatuation with him to him!!! In fact: the only inkling I have ever given him about my feelings is to say that he is a great guy and that his girlfriend is very lucky to have him. I have actually tried very hard NOT to let him know about my feelings as I don't want our work friendship to be akward since he is happily commited to someone else!Also, so that you know: I am on planet earth: that is why I posted this question! I realistically know that I am in a bad relationship that I am leaving and am scared that once I do leave, being alone will cause my obsession with this other guy to get worse. I don't want that to happen as he is in another relationship that obviously makes him happy, and I don't want to intrude upon that! I want to get over the obsession before I do something stupid and he finds out that I like him! If that isn't being down to earth and a good, responsible person, I don't know what is! I am seeking advice about this to NOT interfere with his current situation!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Hmmm i wish i knew how to do that myself!
But you may simply be infatuated with him because you current relationship is not going very well, and deep down you want to be in love with soemone. If you see what i mean?
Like sometimes your heart goes after someone you can never have (i'm sure it's just to wind us up and make us miserable!).
You're right- you mustn't jeopardise his relationship if he is happy.
Obsessing over someone is never good- all it will do is make you miserable and not let you focus on anything else!
If there's something else that you can bury yourself in, like your job, or a hobby then u may begin to forget about him.
Best of luck !!!
xx Hope xx
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