A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When a man leaves you for reasons of insecurity or committment issues, how do you convince him he needs help without outright telling him to? We broke up, but not because we don't love each other. Everyone said we were a perfect match. But he kept pulling away and I could not deal with it any more. I know this was because of one or all of the following:1.) he was afraid he'd lose his freedom2.) he was afraid of being hurt by me3.) he was afraid of making the wrong choice for marriage (he strongly believes people should never get divorced)4.) he was so concerned with being a positive person that negative situations threw him into a state of anxiety and/or depression5.) he feels that a person should know if they are going to marry their partner within 3-6 months of meeting them. He gets defensive and 'shuts down' if I suggest these issues, or try to get him to consider them as a potential issue in his life. So how do I get him to realize this and seek help before it's too late for us?Note: eevn if this was just a friend of mine, I would sincerely want to get them this help. I'm not just doing this for 'us', but for 'him' as well. I love him and sincerely want him to be happy in love and in life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): I have read what you have typed about 5 times in a row. As a guy, I am trying to understand what he is saying - and it sounds to me like he has issues and they are about being with you and not necessarily with someone else.However, if you believe I am incorrect with the above answer, as a guy who has suffered from depression/insecurity/ and other things, BE PROACTIVE! If you care for him, sit with him, help him make the call for counseling, maybe help financially if he cannot afford it and you are willing/able to do so, and take time off work to take him to the counselor. If you WANT this person, and think he wants you but needs to overcome these issues, be there for him and lead him through this whole thing. Guys HATE counselors as it means opening up and being vulnerable. Be as easy and supportive of his ego as possible, or he will never go as he will think you think he is weak.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 In life I have learned that you can not change people who do not recognize they need change or if they don't want to change. He will have to come to the realization that he needs help-if indeed he does. It could be that he couldn't see the two of you together down the road simply because he is not at the place in his life to make that kind of committment. Nothing against you or what you had. Timing is a very important part of a relationship.
For your own health and well-being I would move on as he has suggested. If you want to continue being his friend, that's fine and maybe if you move on he will realize he misses you, but don't count on that.
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