A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I really need some help on this one. I've been in a relationship with this girl close to 3 years now. We've had less than 5 fights/conflicts during this time. The problem is that I start feeling like I'm living with a flat mate if we don't have sex at least once a month. We both love each other and I can't leave her. Yesterday I told her that this can't go on; I don't want to be in a relationship with a person who does not talk to me, rarely has time for me and refuses sex each time with the same excuse always - "i'm not in the mood". I've tried to be rational and explain that there needs to be communication between the persons in the relationship or at least sex. She listened, we were fine for half a year and now she's just packing her things and about to leave. She has said nothing to me. I'll let her go. I won't stop her. But is there a way to translate this situation with more meaning. Is there question to ask her that would provide me some insight to her world. She's not cheating on me. I know she does not want to leave. Last time we had a fight she also started packing her clothes, but broke down in a few days, started crying and could not leave. How to resolve this situation? Should I wait or try to communicate or apologize? -J
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Sorry, nearly missed your follow up.
Ok, your aware of the issues and it doesn't seem to be any of them.
Ok.. sometimes people get lazy (shock, horror) or they forget their priorities. This may be happening to your woman. You are angry, hurt, feel rejected and are becoming resentful. All this is totally natural.
You will not stay with her if this problem doesn't improve, and if you do stay you will cheat and be unfaithful.
Lets assume she doesn't know what the problem is, because there is no problem, it's just a bad habit that's developed. The more you have sex, the more sex you want, and vice-versa.
Solutions:
1. Go out walking, or do some activity together outside. Do something exciting that you have never done before, like boating or archery. (working on the basis of a change is as good as a rest. New activities, outside, should change bad habits that have developed. Outside activities should build up hunger and increase the need for intimacy.
2. Make a date to have sex. She has no explanation, but you are not happy and are starting to become angry with her. Therefore a compromise must be made. To continue the relationship and stop you walking away she must be willing to provide you with sexual satisfaction. One a week would seem average.
Make a day, Sunday is usually best because there is no work, and then make an appointment to have a couple of hours of love. Make this day important and unbreakable, and make it part of a routine. Try http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_index.shtml for ideas about what you both can do together, it has interesting sex positions, and you can make it a goal to try them all together.
When she is on her period (menstruation) then give her space and treat her tenderly, make sure she gets a lot of rest, romance and maybe take over some of her household chores. Then she will see that a relationship means both people trying hard to please.
If she cannot explain and will not try to satisfy your needs, then she is not the perfect woman and you will find yourself getting more angry and more resentful as the years go by.
As a last solution, if all else fails, assume she has either a physical or mental problem and demand that she see a doctor. She is either sick, selfish, or has a lower sex drive than you. Very few men can remain undersexed and unhappy for very long, as I said, most men will either leave or cheat if they are restricted to sex only once a month.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Thank you for your answer. I appreciate it.
I know there are a lot of unknown variables that could cause the low sex drive, but we've discussed this a few times and she has never brought up any problems other than just that she does not feel the need to do it at all.
I remeber when our relationship started, we had sex several times a week - she had no problems with that, she enjoyed it and looked forward to it. Could be that now there's no thrill any more, nothing for her to spark the need for some bed-time intimacy.
Later that night she told me she would leave only if I wanted. She cried a lot. So I told her she can leave if she decides to stay ignorant to the problem. If she decides to act on it and change her communication style to a more active one then we can try to move on. She asked from me a bit of a heads up the next time I burst out and try to end the relationship.
It's hard not to make this a fight when these things build up in you and one moment you cannot take it any more. I guess I admit that I have kindof "made" these into a fight. It is a good point to make it more of an open discussion.
The next night we had amazing sex. Although I know already that the same problem will come up again in the future. And we agreed that next time we will part our ways.
I know there's plenty of fish in the sea and I could find a girl any time, but everything else is perfect about her. I would never want another woman if she satisfied me the way I need.
-J
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 December 2010):
Crying and threatening to leave is not a mature way of dealing with sexual problems. The next time she does that, let her go, she will find it hard to find anyone else to put up with such things. Why apologise, what have you done wrong?
The sex issue has to be solved, or you will leave. Your too young to put up with a sexless relationship.
It is difficult.
She could have a very low sex drive. She could be embarrassed, disgusted or disappointed by sex. She could be using sex as a weapon. Her parents may behave like this and she doesn't realise what she is doing is damaging. She may find sex painful. She may have vaginal problems. She may masturbate a lot and therefore be already satisfied. She might have a secret lover. She could be a lesbian, she might not fancy you. She could be avoiding sex for 101 reasons.
First, don't make it into a fight. She doesn't do this to hurt you, she has no sex drive and can't pretend she does. She is worried, ashamed and embarrassed by this. This should be treated as a problem you both have. Who knows, you might be a rubbish lover and she hates sex with you. You have to go gently, maybe over a romantic dinner, ask her why she dosen't want to make love with you. The more comfortable and loved she feels, the more she will be able to tell you. Do not accuse, she is not wrong, bad or wicked, she's just unable to act properly in this relationship.
Accept she may not tell you things you like to hear. Also accept, she may not know, or may not feel she can tell you anything. Be patient, take time, maybe leave it and ask her another time.
In the meantime, use almond oil and massage her body at nights, treat her nicely, make her feel good. Massage helps to relax the body and helps produce romantic feelings, and women who feel good feel sexier.
If you find the problem does not solve itself, then you need to go to marriage counselling and ask a professional to help.
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