A
female
age
36-40,
*J2118
writes:My ex-boyfriend's name is Kevin and he is quite a bit older than me (10 years and 4 months if you will). He and I had been on and off for 2 years because thetiming was never quite right with us (I was coming out of an engagement and he is VERY independent and does not hang around for ANY drama). Last April afterhaving NO contact for 6 months, he sent me a text message and told me that he missed me. We ended up talking for 5 hours about him and I and all of our pastproblems. It took almost a month before he felt like he was ready to actually "see" me but ever since then (May 5, 2009), we had been going strong. We evenwent so far as to move in to his house together. I already know that Kevin is the type of person who will never answer to anyone and will always maintain hisindependence within a relationship and that is good for me because I like to do the same (He is very narcissistic and passive-aggressive and my dad is the very same way so those characteristics do not bother me.) We would very often talk about how we liked the fact that we could be completely honest with each otherabout where we were and who we were with, etc. (even if that meant he was at the strip club with his friends). Fast forward to October. I owned a house that I was renting out to a tenant. Well, the tenant lost his job and came to me asking to be let out of the lease. I agreed and decided that I wanted to fix up the house and sell it. A few months later, after my dad, brother, and Kevin had devoted almost EVERY weekendto helping with this project, Kevin came to me and proposed that he and I move into MY house once it is finished and sell his house because mine was smallerand we would be able to save money. Knowing that he needs to have his independence, I asked him MANY times if he was sure that he wanted to get rid of his house and move in with me. He told me that he "didn't plan to go anywhere and he didn't think that I was either". To me, that was my ring on my finger. I didn't need anymore commitment from him than that. So we started putting in things into this house that WE wanted. He picked the tile and all the flooring. And agreed that he would help me to pay for the improvements because he knew that I couldn't afford it by myself. He works in sales and only makes commission and I know that this summer has not been very good to him monetarily. Often, he would come home and when I wouldask how his day went, he would tell me it was stupid and that he didn't want to talk about it. Around May, he started going out with the guys more often afterwork to have drinks as well. I think a combination of hating his job and me constantly asking what he wanted to do with something in the house (like curtains, or sinks, or whatever it may be that day) just got to him and he got fed up. We were supposed to go out of town with a bunch of my friend's for Memorial Day weekend and he completely bailed on me. He said he wanted hisspace and that I should still go without him. I went but was miserable the entire weekend and he didn't bother to respond to any of my text messages untilI came home. And when I wanted to talk to him about it, he just told me to drop it. Well being analytical by nature, I like to figure out what caused somethingto happen and them figure out how to fix it. June and July actually went VERY well for us. We hosted a 4th of July party at my parent's lake house and then purchased plane tickets for him and I to go upto Chicago for one of my sorority sister's weddings. On July 19th, I had a client dinner planned that I was told people would be bringing spouses to. The week before this dinner, I talked to Kevin about it and he said that he would go because it was his day off from work. Sunday night, he and I talked about the dinner again and he ironed my clothes for me for my meeting the next day. Monday morning, I tell him goodbye in the morning and he asked me about the plans for the dinner that night. I told him that I wasn't sure but that I would call him as soon as I knew the plans. At5PM, as I am leaving the office, I called him because I had been busy all day and we had literally just decided where we were meeting. When I talked to him,I told him that I would be home around 6:30PM to change and pick him up. He acted like he had NO CLUE what I was talking about. Further, he told me that hewas working to paint the laundry room and that he wouldn't go with me to the client dinner. I honestly thought that he was kidding. He wasn't though andwhen I got home, he told me again that he wasn't going. Of course, I got upset and stormed out of the house to leave. In the car, I realized that I forgot to grab a pair of flip flops for later so I went back inside where he said to me very aggressively, "I'm sorry but I honestly do not remember having thisconversation with you but you acting this way doesn't make it any better!!" I left and went to the dinner alone and it really wasn't a big deal once I gotthere. After dinner, I came back home and he was still working on the laundry room. I had had some to drink and had to go to work the next day so I just wentto bed. Well, being used to sleeping in the same bed with him, if he hadn't come to bed by 3AM, I would always wake up. Can't tell you why, but my bodywakes up if he isn't there. Well, at 3AM, I wake up and find him in the living room sleeping on the couch. Now every now and then, he will fall asleep on the couch while watching TV, but this was different. He was PURPOSELY sleeping on the couch. He had turned off all the lights and had pulled out the extracomforter from the hall closet. I let him be and went back to bed and the next day, just went to work to give him his space. That night, I tried to stay up tobe able to have a civil conversation with him about the fight the night before, but he and his roommate stayed up until 1230AM laying tile in the laundry room. I told him good night and went into the bedroom to go to sleep. Well again, at 3AM, he was not in bed and I, once again, found him asleep on the couch with thecomforter. This time, I was so mad that he was acting like this, that I lost it. And I will admit that I lost it. I woke him up and asked why he was out onthe couch. Asked why he was punishing me for being upset with him for letting me down, etc. For 2 hours, I went off crying and everything. He just keptblowing me off and telling me to go to bed which just fueled my fire. Eventually, he called it off and told me that I needed to move out the next day. Realizing that I was fighting a losing battle, I went to bed alone. Well the next day, he was SERIOUS about me moving out. He told me that I was emotionaland couldn't control them and that I needed to go. And I did. I moved out and into OUR house that WE had been fixing up to move into TOGETHER. I live therenow and it's awful. I've tried to talk to him. I've apologized. I've begged (I know that I shouldn't). And now he and I have not had any contact for almost2 months. I have heard through a couple of his friends that he only misses me as a friend and that he honestly does not see us getting back together (I know I should cut off contact with his friends too). I'm literally sick over this whole mess. I was so sure of our relationship that I honestly thought that hewould just give me the silent treatment for a few days, but he is really gone. I've been avoiding him, but I still can't sleep through the night. I have beenkeeping myself distracted but I wake up with a pain in my heart every morning once I realize that he is not there. About a month ago, I went to his house to get the last of my things and we had another blow up fight. This time, he said that people were telling him that I was talking crap about him (which I wasn't), but he believed them and told me to "never speak his name" to anyone else. I told him that he knew me better than that and for him to believe some dumb girl he just met over me was wrong. Again, I wouldn't drop the situation so he restated that this was his grounds for the breakup and kicked me out of his house. Then, a week ago, he contacted me and told me that he was getting rid of his house, moving into a 1 bedroom apartment, and going back to school (he is 37 btw). This completely took me by surprise. I'm so proud of him for FINALLY realizing that he needs to finish school, but I never thought he would really do it. Further, he asked me if I would hold on to some of his things for him because he didn't need them or have room for them in his apartment. I told him we could talk about it, and he showed up last night to drop some of it off. To make a VERY long story short, I finally got him to apologize for the way he treated me about taking the other girl's word over mine by telling him that if he trusted me so much then he should have come and had a conversation with me about it and that if he didn't understand that and apologize, then maybe his stuff didn't need to be at my place. Basically, I'm so so so confused. We don't talk right now because he says that "it's what is needed" but then he feels like I am the only one that he can trust to keep his stuff safe for him. I want to work things out with him because he really is my best friend and my feelings for him are too strong to just walk away, but I feel like he is seeing me as only a friend and now, a storage unit. Am I in the friend zone?? We didn't touch at all when he came over last night. No hug or anything at all and we didn't talk about our past. Just what is currently going on with each of us. I tried my best to play it cool and act like I was fine and that I didn't care either way, but inside I was DYING!! Please help.
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female
reader, mselu08 +, writes (13 September 2010):
I'm sorry but he's clearly not into you. Maybe you should read your story back to yourself and pretend it's someone else writing it. It's completely clear. You have to move on. You're just going to look pathetic to him if you keep pursuing him. That is going to turn him off even more.
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