A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for the past 5 months with a guy I consider to be the perfect match for me. We have 3 hour phone conversations a few times a week and almost daily emails. We’ve gotten together in person as often as possible. He suffers from anxiety and I believe, depression. He gets down on himself a lot. A few times I’ve gotten emails from him where he says he can’t do “this” anymore (our relationship), but he always regrets what he’s said. I’ve always accepted him as he is. I’m in love with him regardless. He tells me he has the habit of pushing people away and likes to retreat and be alone. Recently I was to visit him and he suddenly became MIA. No phone calls, he deleted his Myspace account so I couldn’t contact him that way, and he didn’t respond to any emails I had sent. Finally, hours before I was to leave to visit him, he told me not to come that he needed to be alone and sort out his life. He sounded so sad and depressed that I was worried about him. I told him to take his time and I’d be here when he needed me.I didn’t think it would take so long, however. He hasn’t talked or emailed in two weeks now. I’m so tore up about this, because this is extremely out of character for him. My friend called him and told him to please call me, that I was upset and worried about him. He promised her he would contact me, but that was a week ago and still nothing.He won’t respond to any of my emails or phone calls. Since he’s called it quits on our relationship before (always to apologize and wants to take back what he’s said) I’m worried that he thinks I won’t take him back this time (as I always do). I miss him so much it hurts. I’ve emailed him and told him if he wants to end our relationship, this is not the way to do it. The silence and not knowing is killing me. I just want to hear from him.I’ve sent him 3 emails in the past 2 weeks and left a voicemail last weekend. I don’t know what I can do to get him to talk to me. I just want to be there for him. He doesn’t have much of a support system, I was pretty much it. And now he won’t even talk to me. If we lived closer this wouldn’t be a problem, but it’s hard to reach out to somebody long-distance like this. What else can I do? I don’t want to turn into a crazy stalker-lady. I just want a chance to talk to him and let him explain what’s going on. I can’t stop thinking about him or wondering why he is doing this. What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Darkelja, your right your situation is so much similar to mine. I'm still in that period that if I contact him he'll respond, but it looks like he's stopping/stopped. I'm so sorry for you and the poster who had to go through that. How some men can be so cruel, I will never understand.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (12 June 2008):
 As with the other reader, the same exact thing happened to me, though we do live close to each other.
With my situation, he did communicate with me for a few weeks (while I think he was trying to figure things out) and finally he sent a text that he was going through issues. It was around his birthday and I did send a birthday message and I did talk to him on Valentine's Day. After that, it's like he went awol. I don't have a clue as to where his head is at, if the issues are permanent, resolvable, timeframe...nothing. After a couple of weeks I did phone him and left a message just saying hi and hoping he was doing well. After two months I sent a text asking if he meant to say goodbye or if we were still friends-I told him I still cared about him and asked for his honesty. He did not respond. I can't continue to give to this situation as it really was tearing me apart. I could have handled "you're not right for me", "this isn't working for me" but when you're handed the "I have issues" and not given any direction as to the relationship status then you are the one who has to decide.
Every situation is different. In my case, I decided that I needed to move on. (Even though this situation can bring me to tears on any given down day AND I am still bothered about not knowing why/what/when. Some days I feel like a fool because I kept trying to ask him for clarification and I feel the whole time this was his way to break up.)
I think in your case he has shown enough uncertainty about your relationship that you should leave him be and consider that the two of you are done. This way, if he calls you a month from now or a year from now then you decide if you still want to see him. It isn't healthy for you to "wait" for this guy to make up his mind. And you should realize that some people (guys and gals) use the old "I need time on my own" when they don't want to hurt your feeling.
A lot of people have serious issues that cause them not to feel good about themselves. They can not be in relationships because they don't value themselves. Depression sometimes makes a person not feel good enough for other people AND the person truly does not know how to be happy.
You need to understand that there is nothing you can do to change this person's mind. Nothing. You could not have saved the relationship by doing anything differently so also stop kicking yourself about that if you are. The reality is that he does want to be with you right now and you can't do anything about it.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I suggest you send him an email, pour your heart out, tell him how you feel and that you are there for him, and then....give him space.....allow him his "hibernation".
Get yourself the book: men are from Mars and womem from Venus, that might help to understand him a little better to!
You cannot do much more then that....do not: there after contact him or nag him...........leave him....let him be!
Once out of "hibernation" he will contact you, if not,.....move on!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I was astounded when I read your post because the EXACT same thing happened to me and he gave me the exact same excuses. It seemed to me that he was afraid of feeling vulnerable, etc. so I tried SOOO hard to reassure him. Like seriously, I tried everything - breaking up with him, getting back together, being nice/reassuring, giving him advice about how to deal with his insecurities, I even went to his house to talk to him. Its two months later and I havent made any progress at all.
My advice would be to make the effort. Maybe even go a little bit further so there is little doubt that you care about him. Then stop and let it go. As one of my friends told me, guys are problem solvers, they want to solve their problems alone.
So he knows you care about him, now as hard as it is (and I know its so hard), stop contacting him and let him figure it out on his own. He'll either realize what a wonderful girl he's met or not.
The one thing that I realized from this whole experience, is that its not us, its him. My guy is so irrational/insecure that reality doesnt make sense to him and it seems like yours is to. You cant convince him to accept reality, only he can do that.
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