A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and half way into the relationship he moved away and we have been long distance since.It has been really hard but we love eachother so much and I am moving there in a month.Whilst we have been apart I have cheated twice. Actually, I'm not even sure if it is considered cheating so let me explain. The first time we were broken up after a huge fight and he told me he didn't love me, blah blah. I was at a party with friends very drunk and kissed another boy. As soon as I realised what I was doing I pulled away, it would have lasted about a second. I haven't had contact with that boy since. My boyfriend and I got back together that same night.The second time was again after a drunk fight in which we were broken up. I only held hands with this boy but my friend tells me I made out with him. I really don't think I did, but I was very drunk. I asked him if we did and he said no so I'm not sure. I have cut off all contact with him and haven't drank since.TECHNICALLY we were broken up both times.. but still I know it isn't right. Gosh I feel so bad.I haven't told my boyfriend about either of these things because I know if I did it would be over, simple. Whilst we were together (before long distance) I had never cheated and I know if we were together it would not have happened. It also would not have happened if I didn't get drunk so I don't get drunk anymore.Do I tell him? I know I would lose him and I don't want that. I'm moving there in a month and I know that nothing else will happen. I feel terrible. I'm not even attracted to any other boy in that way and the thought of being with another boy just doesn't seem possible. I want my boyfriend and only him.How do I forgive myself?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): If I tell him we will be over, I know that for sure.
He is a very very jealous and emotional person.
It meant nothing to me but I know that he won't see it that way.
We have both agreed to let all of the past go and forgive eachother (we have both done and said hurtful things in the past), and focus on us as the future. This should make me feel better but it doesn't.
A
male
reader, PsychoticNotCrazy  +, writes (6 June 2009):
@ Grimm Reality: i think you overstepped a couple boundaries. Your sense of interpretation of what this girl does or doesnt feel is way off and i feel given your evident 'prejudice', you are the wrong person to advise her or better said some points in your advice were those of a shallowminded individual...
That said, my first piece of advice would be to tell the Ms Anonymous to ignore Grimm whatshisname or atleast extract only the relevant info in what he/she said...
I understand your predicament because im in a long distance relationship myself and given a few months it will be an even longer distance. When my girlfriend and i broke up the first time, i got caught up in a fling with someone else not to mention into another relationship. These passed and we got back together later.
Now the way i see it, theres 2 ways to go about it:
1) Dont Tell Him. What do you stand to lose? The two of you had split up and there was nothing tieing you to him even if it was for such a short time. Its just like him trying to hold you accountable for your past relationships before him (assuming). He has a right to be touched but i think that given the state of control you were in, and the fact that you were single there isnt much for him to go on. You werent bound to him anymore.
But on the moral aspect i think that its only fair to let considerable time to pass before engaging in any sort of fling or relationship of any nature. Thats from that point of view.
2) Tell Him. Just be honest with yourself and with him. If my girlfriend and i argued and she said a lot of hateful stuff why wouldnt i want to get drunk? Its not an excuse for your actions but it strikes me as the reason why you didnt have enough awareness before things happened. Explain it to him. Let him know that its because you care for him and you want to have a relationship built on honesty that is why you can express yourself. Lets just hope he is the understanding type.
Either one is an choice and in the end ONLY YOU can choose which to follow.
Congratulations on giving up alcohol. Keep at it.
And by the way, the way i see it, YOU DIDNT CHEAT, you had a fling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): Firstly, I did not make out with any boys. I pulled away as soon as our lips touched and I realised what was happening.Secondly, I said technically because that's the truth? I wasn't making excuses because if you kept reading before judging I also said that I know it wasn't right.Thirdly, how dare you say I don't care about his feelings. I don't want to lose him, no. I also know that it would hurt him alot and that we are so in love and HE doesn't want to lose ME. We have a deep connection and have been through alot together, but he is a very emotional person and small things get turned into huge things. He would be losing something that means very much to him over something that meant nothing and will never happen again.Lastly, I don't know if I made out with the second boy. I remember holding hands with him so why wouldn't I remember kissing him? It doesn't add up, no matter how much I have drank I always remember what I have done.I also stated that I have cut out the drinkingLong distance relationships don't work? Well actually we haven't always been long distance and will be together in a month. We are more in love than ever.Try reading properly, kay?Nice to know this is a place to be judged.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (6 June 2009):
 Young lady,
first off, you need to cut out the drinking. Alcohol is no excuse for your actions, whether you are drinking while driving or making out with boys. That crap does not fly in the real world.
When you are using excuses like "Technically" then you really don't care, as you are justifying your behavior. That kind of behavior is for children.
He will find out eventually. They always do, so just be honest
Secondly, you are in a Long distance relationship, which rarely if ever work out.
Thirdly listen to your last paragraph. YOU dont want to lose HIM.
Give us a break, because you aren't even sure of what you did at the party, you yourself are not even sure, so how do you know what you did?
yes he deserves to know. he also deserves to have a relationship that does not involve his partner using drunken excuses for acting like a little child.
Please understand that when we are adults we have to own what we do. Obviously you have some guilt(but not very much, for you only care about yourself losing him and not his feelings).
when you act in a manner such as this, you lose your right to make the decision about the relationship.
Try being honest with yourself, and be honest and ADULT enough to own up to what you did and suffer the consequnces of your actions.
what if it was the other way around?
You see, being an adult means being responsible. And you are not a very responsible person, regardless of what happened. Add a LDR and drinking into the mix, and I am afraid you just need to let this guy know and let the decision be his.
You also need to grow up. You are way too immature to be in any kind of relationship. Think about it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): well. just forgive yourself. move on. STOP drinking so much!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): If you were broken up both times, then it's technically fine. I mean, I'm a guy so I can understand why he would be a "little" disappointed. Not mad though.
I've always had a zero tolerance with past g/f's. As in they cheat, then I'm out. But really, you kissed a guy while drunk and held hands. Thats not that bad compared to some other situations.
Honestly, just remember that you were emotional at the time. The easiest way to forgive yourself is by just being happy that you have the love of your life, in your life. Just remember that those incidents meant nothing to you, and you had the restraint to make sure nothing further happened.
Thinking in this positive way and being with him should be enough to make yourself be at ease with what happened.
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