A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 4 years to a great guy. He is 14 years older than me. We only dated for about 6 months before we got married, but I thought he was the one despite our age difference. He has older kids that do not live with us. Being a step mom to teenage girls has been the hardest thing in my life ever. We are both very involved in our jobs. We just live as really good friends, don't talk about much, sex life is still ok. We are not mean to each other just seems that connection is gone and I'm not sure I want it back. I have never EVER been the type to have an affair EVER. I never imagined I would do it as most people don't I guess. I ran back into an old high school friend. He was probably one of my genuine guy friends from back in the day. We always got along very well. We have not stopped talking and texting since we ran back into each other. We meet at least once a week and have a great connection (we live a little over an hour from each other). Neither one of us have changed much, grown up a lot, things like that. We both agree we are better versions of our old selfs. I can't explain how great we are getting along. We have told each other we love each other. He is married also and has kids (which I don't). His wife is not nice to him, (I have heard this from others too). She is very cold to him ect. he says she didn't have sex with him for a whole year at one point. He is very committed and has stayed, but he said before he and I even saw each other again. He has been throwing around leaving, because he can't try anymore. She refuses to go to counseling ect. He has been extremely honest with me about what is going on in his life, which I know most men are not to other women in their life (people they see outside of their marriage). He has told me all of his thoughts, I don't believe he withholds much from me. As close as we have got to having sex, we have chose not to, because we cherish our friendship very much (or whatever it is). His words were I don't want to have sex with you until I know you can have all of me and I don't know that yet. He is very true to his words which I believe is why he can't just walk away from his family and I would NEVER ask him to and have never suggested him to. It's easier for me to walk away from what I have because kids are not involved. I feel very strongly for him. He is wonderful and a wonderful friend to me. I am extremely attracted to him. I know that if all he wanted from me is sex that we would have already crossed that road. I know affairs are not the answer to marriage problems. I don't believe the person I'm married to is meant to be. My friend and I connect on several different levels and we know each other very well. I don't know what to do. I want my friend to be more than my friend very much. He truly means a lot to me and I care for his well being. If he told me his wife came to her senses and decided to try for counseling I would be great with it, even though brokenhearted because I want him. I don't want him to have to go through his kids hurting and missing him. But, on the selfish side I know we can make each other very happy and that both of us hurting a little over our current loses would be worth it later. I've tried to calm things down between us, but he is so genuine in his words that he wants me in his life and that he is very confused. I know it's not completely "lust" considering the no sex promise even though we are completely attracted to each other (because we have almost got there and stopped and said we can't do this) I know part of this is the high of the beginning of a relationship. We both know each others families well ect. This is so tough. What do I do??? I'm hurting bad.....very bad. GUIDE ME OH WISE ONES!!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 November 2010):
 "I have a mortgage and pets and cars" those are THINGS for crying out loud. I think your husband will be more than glad to divide them up once he finds out about your affair. Since he's cheated on you before maybe he wants out just as much as you do. Time to split the blanket. As far as your fellow cheater goes, I feel for his wife even tho' you two don't. It's his call but at least you by getting out of your marriage and being single will be doing the right thing, maybe he'll follow suit. One can only hope since he is a role maodel for the kids.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Ok so i wasnt judging you as i told you, nobody was to know he cheated on you as we can only go by what you wrote. So he has cheated on you twice which of course is going to hurt you and mess up your mind but it still doesnt make what you are doing right, at the end of the day you are doing the same thing to him. You are meant to be married you need to be open and honest with each other or else there is no point in being in this marriage yes you have built a home together and you dont want to up root it but its obvious you are both not happy and it will only get worse if you cant be honest with each other. As for this other man he is doing to his wife what your husband done to you its the wrong path to go down. you need to decide wether to leave your husband and start your life over or else stay and work on your marriage and get this other man out of your life. Make the choice that you feel is right for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): "Everybody is quick to judge when you really don't know the person at all."
Look, not trying to be to hard on you, but this affair business is really hurtful.
Let me tell you, I've been cheated on, and it hurts. Talk about being "judged", there is no judgment on a spouse like meting out an affair to punish them for some slight, imagined or real.
It hurts even more when people think the affair partner is "the love of my life".
Then they realize after the romantic meet-ups and fucking is all done that "well, maybe they are not the love of my life", which happens all the time.
All the while, as the dutiful lovers put their energy into lying and sneaking around and belittling the spouses, the one who really loves them is back home trying to hold the marriage together alone, trying to figure out why the spouse is distant or whatever, and wondering about the children, and what to do when the other spouse leaves for their lover.
So, if you want to think of the wife as a witch...keep doing that. It will make screwing her over all that much easier while you do screw her husband.
Straying spouses paint their spouses in all sorts of colors, it happened to me.
Then the day came when everyone realized it wasn't true, realized that I was not what they had been told. My wife is still making amends for all that....not just to me, but to a huge circle of people...all of whom thought I was some kind of a cold hearted fish, when the truth was my wife was drinking to much, smoking to much dope, and really needed to go to drug and alcohol treatment.
Well, we may not know you, but you asked for advice. Think about everyone in the circle before you do anything.
Judgment, your judgment, has a lot to do with it. You are judging his spouse right now, and planning on cheating more with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Your husband cheated on you You know the feeling. Then don't do that to another woman. Don't do that to her. You are repeating the same mistakes that your husband made.
Learn from mistakes... even if someone else was the one to make them.
You know how much it hurts. If you want a man get one who is single. Someone who is free. You don't need to destroy another woman to get what you want... then you are no different than the women your husband messed around with.. regardless of how you validate your reasons...
And neither is he. The fact that you haven't gone all the way yet is a minor detail. You have both still cheated. Once again, validation.
One thing you should have learned from you husband's cheating is that no woman needs to steal a man from another woman... the cruelty to the spouse is unimaginable. Look where it got you.
Be kind to her. Realize that your husband may have made you out to be a witch who wouldn't have sex with him. Guys use this as a ploy. You know that. You know better. Stop and learn.
You are addicted to the new feeling whether you are cognizant of it or not. He is wonderful because he is new and you've painted this whole romantic idea around him. Who is he? Someone who talks badly about a woman who is his wife and the mother of his child.
This is not a good guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the bad thing about these forums. Everybody is quick to judge when you really don't know the person at all. Some say my husband is the victim, but I chose not to tell you he has cheated on me twice and doesn't even know that I know. I have chose to stay and fight for this, but I'm all out of fight (which comes from my comment I don't know if I even want to try anymore). So, one of your comments about me needing to get away so I don't hurt him is a little quick to judge not having anymore information than you do.
One says I am addicted to the newness of relationships, but not knowing I have only been married once and before I got married I was in a relationship for 7 years with no cheating at all, but decided not to marry each other. The reason my husband and I got married is because he was being transferred out of state and we thought it was the best thing to do. We thought our relationship was strong enough to endure being married to each other.
There a lot of other problems in my current marriage and yes I should just leave if I have feelings for someone else but, unless you have been in the situation it is much easier said than done. I thought I was an extremly strong person and there was no way I would EVER have a close relationship with another man even though my husband chose to go outside the marriage. I AM NOT saying cheating is the answer or that I am getting revenge. I have a mortgage and pets and cars and all the things that go along with life with my husband. It's overwhelming to think walking away from it all.
Another comment about men not leaving for the other woman yes I am well aware of this, another thing that is easier to say than come to terms with.
The most helpful comment is that I need to dig into the problems that he has had with his wife. You are so right why would she deny him for that long and be cold to him. It could be her, it could be him. I don't know.
She very well may be one of those women who has been caught up in life, lost that sexual attraction for her husband and is just a witch. It could be he has done something horrible and hurt her very much. I don't know.
I also know that we both look like our greener pastures right now, because we are not able to see what real life would be with each other and never will if we both stay in our current situations.
So, if either of us are to leave our current situations, it can't be because of the other, it has to be because it's what I would do with or without him.
Another note is I know many women who stay in relationships with they have kids with their spouse who they are unhappy with. Men are just more known for it.
No excuses on anything I have said just saying there is another side of the story to everything and people should ask more questions before they are quick to judge.
I am very human, I am very torn.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): I think this is very tricky - no excuses for cheating. If this new guy was really as nice as you are painting him he would have left his wife before starting to cheat with you. Sounds to me like you fall in love too quickly and you are too trusting, hence you married after 6 months of dating.
On the other hand, I think you should just have the sex with this new guy to get the excitement out of the way and see if it is still going to feel special afterwards. Sometimes people become fond of each other when not having sex and enjoying the tension.
For the sack of your husband I think you need to make up your mind fast before you break his heart.
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): wow- I could have written your exact post. Right down to meeting up with my best guy friend from high school. I know how hard it is. I am going through the exact same thing right now and I have no idea what to do either. Except my husband isn't physically or emotionally affectionate with me. I wish I had some answers for you, but I will be following your post and hopefully gaining some insight into my own situation. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): "He has been throwing around leaving, because he can't try anymore. She refuses to go to counseling ect."
Well, he's got some work to do and some deciding to do, but instead he is having an emotional affair now, and working on the physical/sexual affair (and it sounds like this has gotten somewhat physical).
"We just live as really good friends, don't talk about much, sex life is still ok. We are not mean to each other just seems that connection is gone and I'm not sure I want it back."
If you are "really good friends" why are you meeting with another man behind his back, and why don't you want that connection back?
Maybe you should work on your marriage before you start working on an affair. Truly, you are having an emotional affair, and truly you need to put that effort into your marriage instead of the affair.
"But, on the selfish side I know we can make each other very happy and that both of us hurting a little over our current loses would be worth it later."
Why do you think that?
Do some reading on affairs. The separation rate and divorce rate from relationships that come out of affairs is enormously high, much higher than those that come out of marriages. Men almost never leave their wives for their mistresses. Women who have affairs and get into marriage from the relationship almost never trust that man (because they know what they did to their prior wife).
It takes WORK to make a marriage work...but you can't work on it with another man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): This guy is the one. Your husband was the one. Can't you see that you are addicted to the newness? Do a fast forward into your future. See it clearly for what it is. If you aren't careful and don't deal with yourself you may find yourself romping from man to man eternally lonely. Always searching.
If you really loved him, you would see him for who and what he is, not who and what you want or need him to be.
Let me ask you something. You are a married woman. What would your husband have to do in your relationship to get you to the point of not having sex with him for an entire year? Step out of the whirlwind of your feelings for a moment and use your brain.
Think logically here. She is cold and distant to him. She doesn't understand him. She won't sleep with him. What pattern are you seeing here? Imagine being her for a moment. At a minimum, you have a guy who is ... what I'd describe as a Monet. Good from a distance, but up close all messy.
With you, he's at a distance. You perceive it as close, but he is at a distance. You are not dealing with the guy who pissed you off so much that you won't sleep with him for a year at a time... think. You are a grown up. Think.
Reverse roles for a minute. Let's say you just found out that your husband is doing the exact same thing this guy is with another woman? He is unhappy because you don't give him enough hugs. You don't make him happy because ... yadda yadda yadda. The list goes on. You'd probably scratch your head in disbelief.
The fact is that you are in love with love.
He can be the 'perfect guy' with you... because let's face it. It's easy to be that when you don't have to deal... dealing with life can be a challenge. The two of you are looking at one another as the easy road. Thinking that there is such thing in the world as perfection... the fairy tale. But I promise you one thing... if you trash your life and dump your husband... and you get the guy you think you want...
You may wake up as the angry and pissed off wife sleeping next to prince charming hoping that your anti sex campaign could go on forever...
Any man or woman who talks about their spouse... is really talking about themselves. She won't do this... she is that. Bottom line. He is not a victim. Use your head. Grow up.
Take your high school dreamboat and leave him the heck alone and get into therapy for yourself... so you can find true happiness. Romance is cotton candy. REAL LOVE is what you do for one another.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (30 October 2010):
Ok you both havent had sex but what you are both doing is still cheating on your partners. You are hurting? What about your poor husband am sorry but he deserves better than this and therefore you need to let him go.
Dont get me wrong i totally understand that people can fall out off love and 6 months wasnt a very long time to get to know someone but hun you need to seperate from him and cause him less pain in the end because we both no that this is a very dangerous path you are going down and you and this other man will probably end up having sex as you will have overcome all off your will power so please get out of this marriage before this happens, its for your husbands sake and also for your own if you are not happy, plus you dont want your husband finding out later down the line that you are having a full blown affair so get out now.
As for this other man and his family, ok yea he has children but am sorry you have it all wrong here if he is not happy with his wife and doesnt love her then honestly there is no point staying with her for the children as children pick up on unhappiness and it would be better for them in the long run to have to happy parents apart than two unhappy parents together. Off course it will be unsetteling for them for a while but it will soon become normal to them. However this is your friends choice to make.
I hope i didnt sound to harsh and i am not judging you in anyway i just want you to save yor husband any extra pain and walk away now while you can.
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