A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with particular stress on honesty. I have been dishonest before (not about major things, but minor STUPID everyday things), but I have made a huge effort to change my behavior. The problem is that now, even when I am being completely truthful, the fact that I "lied before" means that I might be lying again. Me arguing that I am telling the truth only makes it worse and makes it "seem like I am lying even more" which I am not at all. My question is, how do I fix this? I am being honest and when I am confronted as a liar I get upset. How do I assert my honesty without making it seem like I am lying more? How do I deal with this when I AM TRYING SO HARD ALREADY? (sort of more than one question ... sorry.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): You need to realise the strength you have inside of yourself for knowing you have changed and aren't the person you used to be. Once you have this strength you tell your partner that the past is the past, and that if he wants the relationship to work then he needs to look to the future and stop dredging up the past. Insist that if he keeps bringing up the past then you are both going to have to have serious talks about whether the relationship is going to work long term.
I think you know yourself that if he keeps reminding you that you have lied in the past that your feelings for him will eventually start to fade. Maybe you can feel it happening already? Nobody can handle someone they love keep criticising them for someone they used to be. You should remind him of how it makes you feel and how it is affecting your feelings for him.
Other than that, I don't think it is necessarily you who should be trying so hard - it is him. He needs to either put this in the past, or accept that he will never see you any differently and that breaking up is his only course of action.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
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