A
female
age
26-29,
justme..x
writes:I am writing this article because I think that the term "love" is fast becoming meaningless. The word gets thrown around by so many people, teenagers in particular, and crushes are being labelled as Love, and are therefore getting blown way out of proportion. A situation which I have noticed fits this in particular, is teenage girls claiming they are in love with their teacher. I am not normally a judge-mental person, and of course I don't know those people and haven't lived their situation, but please, appreciate or at least understand the meaning of the word! Most of these cases involve the teacher being young, male, probably good looking. So already they might have a physical attraction to deal with. Their teacher will be mature, helpful, kind, listen to them ... in short, all the things a teenage girl would look for and appreciate. But a good teacher has these qualities because he is doing his job. The way that this man "ticks all the boxes" often - too often - causes the girl to claim she is In Love with him. Most often, she doesn't even know him. All she will know is the front he puts on when teaching. Perhaps she will know THINGS about him, just information, but I don't think that's the same as actually KNOWING a person - knowing and understanding them, correctly anticipating their reactions to things, knowing their habits and sense of humour, AS WELL as just knowing facts about them. Perhaps it is a cynical, unoriginal and narrow-minded view, but I don't believe you can be IN LOVE with someone you barely know. You can have a crush on them, be physically attracted to them, be obsessed with them, or just simply like them. Love is different.It is, I know, hypocrytical of me to say this when I am currently struggling with very big feelings for a teacher - but I can still manage to be openminded and appreciate this may not be love, and I really think that others should too. And yes, I also know feel and see all the qualities I mentioned above in my teacher, and so of course I can sympathise with those who are crushing on their teacher, but, if I may say so, I have a lot more than that. I chat to my teacher a lot - about pretty much everything, i enjoy his company (well actually I crave it) and I think he enjoys mine, we know quite a lot about each other, he has hugged me, he has comforted me when I was very upset, we have done each other favours and just generally got on really well. This whole thing has been alien and humiliating, especially as I honestly never thought I would fall for a teacher. I've found it very difficult, and have had to have several councilling sessions because I was depressed, and not eating/sleeping properly. I hated myself, and still do, for feeling it, for simply being just another stupid cliched child. The appointments improved my state of mind slightly, and I have a normal appetite and enough sleep now. But it didn't make my feelings go away. I am still struggling, every day I crave to see him, every thought I have takes me back to him. It is mainly because of how hard I am finding my situation that it irritates me when the word "love" is thrown around so easily, and by so many people. Of course, girls having feelings for their teachers isn't the only situation that I am talking about, even with more suitable matches I feel that the phrase "I Love You" is undervalued. Some people say it as a mere necessity in a non-serious relationship, a courtesy even, jus textbook boyfriend-girlfriend conversation. I think people should appreciate that phrase far more than they do, and understand its full meaning. And, also, should mean it when they say it!I have a friend who crushes on different people every few weeks, or at least months, and each time she earnestly declares she loves him, he's the one etcetc. She is currently crushing on a helper at our school, and the only thing they've ever communicated is a "bye" when she was leaving the room. In her case, she doesn't even know THINGS about him, let alone know him as a person. I am of course, there for her, I listen to her and comfort her, and I would not normally feel bitter - but she compares her situation to mine, thinking that she knows exactly how I feel. I have to admit, that gets to me. She doesn't know how easy she has it!To be honest, that is one of the things that inspired me to write this - I really think we should appreciate the difference between love and crushes. Love is unique, strong, burning, sometimes irrevocable, we should not take it for granted, mislabel it, or turn it on and off like a tap.With my friend's current crush, she is saying it was "love at first sight". I may be cynical, but I personally don't believe in Love At First Sight, I believe in attraction at first sight, which is a very different thing. Two people can be physically attracted to each other straight away, but I personally don't think that that is loving each other. It's when they have got to know each other, appreciate each other's qualities, and indeed bad points, miss their company when they're not around that I can justify the use of the word love. Of course, a serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or a happy marriage aren't the only situations I would label as love. There is of course unrequited love, as we all know only too well, but I would like to stress how different I think this is from having a crush!I would love to read your opinions and comments. Thanks x
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female
reader, Blod +, writes (22 November 2009):
 Hey, I’ve only just read this but I have to say you’ve really created an impression on me.
I can relate to you in the sense of your problems, but not with a teacher. I recently fell for someone online. I knew him in person but it was as if neither of us could talk to each other face to face. I really liked him but was too shy to do anything about it. I ended up not being able to eat, making myself sick and having panic attacks. I couldn’t control my emotions and I let my emotions control my body. I felt angry with myself for getting so worked up about it and acting so pathetically over some guy I spoke to on msn. I know I didn’t love him. It was some kind of mad infatuation that I wish wouldn’t have happened.
I really admire you. You know what you’ve been feeling is irrational but you can see it in a rational way. For someone as young as yourself to be able to view feelings that can run so deep in such a mature way is incredible. I don’t know what love is, not that I haven’t loved, but I agree with you in terms of young girls claiming that they’re in love with someone they barely know. There is a huge difference between love and a slight crush on someone. You’re 100% right.
Well done and thank you for writing. X
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): justme... you have really got a mature head on your shoulders.
I think you made an excellent point regarding pupils being "in love" with their teachers. As you said, they will be polite, caring, interested in you, supportive, etc. It is their job to be like that. They can seem completely perfect! But when they go home, they are just like anybody else. Maybe they are completely different...
A crush can be such a powerful thing though. Maybe it is a kind of love. I think there are many types of love, and a crush is one kind. I do agree with you though, I don't understand how you can claim to be in love with someone you don't even know. I think you can LOVE them...but is that different to being IN LOVE with them?
I have experienced infatuations like this myself when I was a bit younger, so I do understand the power of those feelings. Underlying them was always a sense of...desperation. Desperation to be noticed, to be loved and accepted. Wanting to be wanted, to belong to someone, to feel complete. Maybe other people feel like that? Maybe there is something deeper that fuels these crushes.
I also wanted to say that you sound like a great friend, being there for your friend, even though it must be difficult when she compares how she feels to how you feel.
Finally, I do believe you can get through this. I have experienced similar things before. There were times when I thought I would NEVER, ever, stop hurting over someone. That I would never stop feeling as strongly as I did. It sometimes felt like too much. But I did heal. It can take a long time. But it can happen. So hang on in there. I really do believe you can get through this. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): Love, like religion, god(s), immortal deities and other unlabeled spiritualities are personally defined, then refined as each individual experiences the connections that bond two (or more in some cases) people together.
"Love" is an all-encompassing criteria that traditionalists set. Eg: You have to be a certain way and within a certain set of experiences before you are in love.
However, the way I see 'love' is through a globe of colour gradients or a shade of tones. If you cannot envision that, imagine a colour wheel and depending on how you connect, you place yourself on an area of that colour wheel proportionate to the person or people of your affection and appreciation.
I do not particularly like to use labels to define love between people. They are too set in stone and most of the time, inaccurate. I think labels are often used to segregate attachments socially.
"I have a crush on my teacher" versus "I am in love with my teacher" or "I have a crush on my friend whom we've been with since we were babies" versus "I am in love with my friend whom we've been babies".
Where do you draw the 'lines' that force your 'love' into a specific label?
"A crush is just pure attraction. Therefore, you don't really love until you have experienced a mutual connection."
"Love is a combination of feelings, desires, needs and fulfillment. When you two have experienced life together and can do so in a respectful, appreciative and intimate manner, then you two are indeed in love."
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My parents are 'in love', but they are very traditional and not romantic at all. They have grown complacent and 'numb' to the world. I view them as little children, who take daily evening strolls and watch television together, enjoying Wheel of Fortune and Deal or No Deal. So how does anyone define their love versus Romeo & Juliet? How about my explicit love for my lover, as I give her weekly doses of zen-like massages and the occasional 'surprise' - little hand crafted gifts I hide in the 'oddest' places for her to find? How about the couple of awesome friends that have longed for each other, but are married to other people? How about the teenager who has a mad crush on the 25 year old whom is best friends with her big brother?
Who defines love? Who defines it for everyone? No one defines it for everyone. Only you can define it for yourself.
Labels segregate minds. Just as 'race' segregate humans. Just as sexual orientation causes unnecessary strife and confusion. Just as political agendas segregate those who strive for a common goal.
Hmmm... I suddenly imagined myself as a politician. A first step for world domination? Cats will rule the universe one day. =^o^=
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