A
female
age
,
bashful3
writes:Hi I am may be wrong but I feel they all act alike oh there are women too I got involved with a man November 2110 separated with 6 kids I always said I got out my realintonship and started dating to fast with him anyways and his kids range from 24 to 18 he moved in before Xmas that year oh everything was alright well another thing he was a clean freck he knew if you moved anything.There are some things I am to embarssed to say you have the control wonting to be bossy one thing that sent me crazy was how he was by food it took me the longest to figure out it was control I had times he would start tripping with the food issue and I would take my daughter for a walk we were 2 diffrent people another thing his brother introduced us he is quite but has the wild side me I am a single mom of an 18 1/2 year old special needsdaughter drinks smokes me I never dranked smoked, been wild etc I have dranked a wine cooler something in the egg.Now looking back I know I missed red flags I did allow him to change my bedroom around and he did change the living room around a few times now he saw me as a real easy going person but knew I would stand up to him may of been slow but I would well August last year I got tired and packed his things sat out on the balcony .Mistake we stayed friends he would stay only on weekends but he lives with his oldest daughter who lives 3 blocks from here so they are alike he got mad with her to me he would come he is jealous also well last Friday I said no to our friendship and he cannot let go mind you he still has a televison to get few other things he calls which after he gets his things I am not answering any more mind you his brother and sister in law live downstairs so nerving I hate to have to go down get mail see my daughter off her bus or the van and my sister lives next door to his brother getting warm he sats out and he will be visting when he wonts I wont to scream
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 October 2015):
 I think a demanding person, male or female soon shows their true colors. The important thing is to not allow it to escalate beyond the first effort to start the control saga.
Many control freaks start the ball rolling by being too good to be true. They'll want to become a very important friend to you. Be a little bit over the top and give you great praise. They may go on at length about how terribly someone else was. I recall a former work colleague who did this and she was so convincing that at first I believed that she had been terribly wronged in the past by others. How wrong was my assumption.
If it is a partner where you have entered into a relationship this form of abuse may then meander into a situation where your new partner finds fault with your existing friends and tries to take up a lot of your time so you have little time for other relationships. This can of course be normal when you are completely besotted and crushing to a high level on your New amazing friend but it is a Big mistake to divest yourself of all your existing friends. Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver, the other Gold.
Isolating from all your former best supporters is not a good situation. You need all your good friends. not just your new best friend.
Once your potential abuser (for that is what is happening) moves to the next level they may start to reveal that their need to control extends to everything. Their nit-picking will escalate and often they will want to takeover a task to orive how much better they can do it.
They will know the right way (their way only) to do anything. They will imply that they (and only they) have the right contacts, skills, information, ability to do things in a successful way. and imply that you do not have this alleged "superior" knowledge.
But stick with them, they will imply, and there is hope for you. However be warned - it is "their way or the highway" for you.
Of course you can never reach their "standard" as if you even get close they will raise the bar to make it harder. They may also try to control what you know and what is explained to you. Keeping you in the dark and keeping their cardsclose to their chest is another way of trying to control you.
Information is power.
Ignorance keeps people in their alleged "place".
So what happens to the victim? The victim starts to doubt themselves. Starts to lose the confidence to decide things. The victim may rebel a little and buy the new curtains but then the partner will rubbish the victim's choice and point out the victim's shortcomings. the Victim will start to lose confidence. Lose trust in ability to make decisions. The victim's doubt in themselves will escalate and they will vacillate and be less willing to be decisive.
Victims will show signs that they can still be a capable independent person with a mind of their own. However this may lead to the aggressor perceiving the independence as a huge threat and arguments may simmer and mean remarks may be made by the abuser. The insecure abuser will double the efforts to make the victim realize how lacking they are in the "important and irreplaceable indispensable skills" that the abuser perceive they possess.
once a victim fails that level (in the eyes of the abuser) then the victim is (in the abuser's mind) ready to face a higher level of abuse.
The situation is becoming intolerable. The demanding abuser is likely to comment on the victim's low standards, find fault with all manner of things. Nothing is ever done "right" and the victim is often alleged to be "wrong". Only the abuser could see some things as wrong as they are desperate to show the victim how the victim is failing and how much the victim needs to rely on the abuser to fix these serious omissions and errors on the victim's part (as the abuser claims).
So how does the abused person react to this intolerable unreasonable burden?
If they are smart they walk away. But they are spiraling into the deep cylinder of abuse. So they try much harder. They become anxious and depressed. They make sure things are exactly as the abuser says is the minimum required. You mashed the potato ? How dare you. The abuser told you last night that your mash had lumps and you should have made roast potato.
Seems you are supposed to be a mind reader. Tells you that you are required to get ready for a work function and you will need to bring a salad and it had better be the best. You try your very best. You hardly have time to get ready as you check everything about the salad is perfect. you feel harried and under pressure.
But what happens at the work function? Your abusive partner is a picture of a smooth operator. Charming and confident your abuser actually praises your salad and comments to those around that you make the best salads. you nearly fall off your chair. Why now after all the complaints at home?
Don't be fooled. That public praise is positioning the abuser as the "nice" person and it fools no one who is familiar with the abuser and their methods.
Of course it should be your cue to leave the abuser but the praise gives you false hope that the abuser does appreciate you after all.
No they do not. The abuser does everything to make the abuser feel better. It is all about positioning the abuser. You are being set up. Your confidence will plummet lower if you stay.
Expect some passive aggression too. Because the abuser is a deeply unhappy inadequate insecure person.
You think the abuser has turned the corner? No they have not. You crave a little more of that praise? Don't hold your breath. That scant praise was not about you. It is an act and the abuser will eventually want to discard you just as an aggressive cat will give up on the mouse it is torturing when the mouse has no fight left in them and is just frozen in terror from the cruel abuse inflicted on them.
But hang on. There is a little fight left in the victim. They belatedly try to stand up to the abuser. Think that will go down well with the abuser? The abuser is more likely to adopt the attitude that they are the martyr who has so much to put up with due to the shortcoming (perceived) of the person on the receiving end of the actual abuse.
If the victim tries to back down and tries to appease the abuser then the abuser feels vindicated. Seeing themselves as right and the victim as wrong.
Now things go from bad to worse. At this point the abuser has entered the destroy phase. they are likely to claim that their partner has all manner of short comings and they will complain to all and sundry. They may even sound very convincing.
The victim may not even know this character assassination is happening behind their back. Sometimes it may just be a chance remark that is said that has the victim defending themselves again malicious rumors spread by the abuser.
The abuser may even use these alleged short comings of the victim to justify why they need to be unfaithful. Actually thy need to be unfaithful as they are on the lookout for their next victim as there is so little fight left in the victim that all the fun has gone out of the abusing. They need a fresh victim to "remould" since clearly the current victim was a mistake they made, where that victim can never live up to the standards of the abuser. No one can.
The complete humiliation of the victim is almost (but not completely) done.
They are going to need support and counselling to emerge from this abyss. They are broken, shamed, hurt and have lost motivation and confidence.
The abuser blames the victim for everything and anything that goes wrong. It is never the abuser's fault that they miss out on promotion or fail to get where they think they deserve to be.
if the abuser cannot yet find a new victim then they will continue to make remarks that put down the victim and make life very unpleasant.
If the victim doubts they can survive in the world without their abuser they may just meekly put up with the situation.
Overly demanding and abusive and passive aggressive people who aim to hurt others in order to prop up their own burdensome insecurities are not worth the trouble. walk away asap should be the mantra.
No one needs to put up with abuse. Help is out there.
All power to the brave smart and courageous victims who do walk away from their abuser
A
female
reader, bashful3 +, writes (18 March 2012):
bashful3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo my question concerning demanding men I would like those members that have been involved with someone like this to share their stories give advice on what red flags you should be aware of thanks bashful 3
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