A
female
age
41-50,
*1llybabes
writes:Hi all, I hope you can help, my LD( about 2 hrs drive) bf and I have had a roller coaster relationship since we met- lots to do with my past, my dad being diagnosed with cancer, my insecurites, my constant over analysing of our relationship all the time, the distance, its been tough but he has stuck by me through it all. I am finally oming out the other side and becoming me again but I am so desperate to get back what we had before or make it better as I know all of this has taken its toll on the realtionship. I have worn him down so much he almost left me. I posted earlier as we had another set back last night. I think i was being impatient thinking that 3 or 4 weeks of me being back to me was long enough to get his romance and desire back to what it was before. This morning I sent him a video message, texts and calls always get misunderstood and I didnt want to bug him- give him his space. I also sent some of my favourite pictures of our good times together ( we have been together since March) Last night he said he didnt want to see me when he came up for a course this weekend but said it nastily like he didnt want to see me at all ( i think this is because we were arguing a little) . We had this weekend planned to see each other for over a month but since then he has lost his job and is taking courses. The course is in my town so I thought perhaps he could still see me as planned and come up a day early. He told me today that its too expensive and he needs to prepare for the course. He will see me between Xams and New Year. which although is gutting I understand. He mentioned about my video and said I was trying to hard. He wanted to get the realtionship back to better than it was too, but he needed space.I asked what I had to do and he said just be yourself. I asked if this was enough and he said yes. When he said space- i replied with Ill not contact you then and give you as much space as you need. Just call me when your ready. He said dont be silly you can contact me anytime. I think by space he means stop talking about my and his feelings and our relationship all the time. Do you think Im right? How do I do this when i think about it all the time? Does any one have any tips on how I should go about this. I know I cause all the issues, I just want to put it right. I feel so much better in myself now I want to show him how amazing we can be.
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lost his job, needs space, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 You're very welcome and thank you for the feedback. Best of luck. :)
A
female
reader, g1llybabes +, writes (7 December 2011):
g1llybabes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers. Ciar- the analogy you used was amazing. Thank you for helping me see this in a different way.
We talked last night and it was amazing- like we used to- about politcs and general things we were laughing lots too.
I still am so dissapointed I cant see him this weekend and its going to be after Christmas when I do. But I understand.
I miss him so much- its been a month already since we last saw each other :(
I just worry that I will miss the chance to reconnect with him if its left to long.
But perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder? another month of no drama and good conversations, enjoying our connection is maybe what we need. Do you think so too?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 December 2011):
I thought the same thing of the video as soon as I read it, that you were trying too hard.
I think by space he means stop talking about my and his feelings and our relationship all the time. Do you think Im right? YES, without a doubt.
With your father's illness you've been through a difficult time and you have my condolences. People will come and go from our lives and our circumstances will change. Your sense of peace and security must come from within, not from those around you. Otherwise you'll forever live in fear.
Here's an analogy for you. Imagine you and a friend go to the cinema to see a film you've both been excited about. Now imagine that while you're trying to enjoy the show, your friend keeps prattling on critiquing the film, looking for bloopers and historical inconsistancies. What would you be thinking? That is what you're doing to your boyfriend with this relationship. So try to relax and enjoy the show.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I think, although I don't know him and this wasn't much to go on, that you should just not contact him for a while. You can contact him if you feel an urgent need to, or if there is a natural obvious reason to contact him. But yes, not talk so much about your relationship if you talk, and just "step back" a bit. Treat him as a friend for the following period of time, rather than your boyfriend, that should be sufficient. And try to be patient and not contact him unless it feel absolutely like the right thing to do. He's given you the signal to contact him, after all, so you shouldn't be worried he will get mad at you. But I think he just means you and him need to cool it down for a bit so he gets time to think up a strategy for how to solve or work out problems that you have.
While he is thinking do your part and think things through on your own as well. So that when you and him talk about your relationship again you have some sort of plan of how to deal with things, no matter the direction your relationship will now take. This should be enough to keep you occupied. You think about it all the time, but do you think about it constructively? Try to write down what your thoughts are and see if you can put those thoughts to good use or if you are merely repeating the same thing over and over which he has already heard. Process these thoughts without him. Go for walks and think about things to yourself when you feel a need to vent, or rant to your reflection in the mirror. Then take a pause and reflect on what you have said, if it is constructive and helpful to your relationship or just destructive, painful and time consuming. Throw away all the bad and unnecessary thoughts and comments, and focus on the constructive and more practical aspects. Focus on problem areas in your relationship that you can actually work on, the both of you, and find a plan on how to work through them.
Then next when you speak to him be reflective, perhaps have a list prepared of things you want to mention, and let him speak his mind. Then be constructive in the conversation and bring up your own ideas. Don't be NEEDY! And if he wants to talk to you, but doesn't bring up the relationship, don't bring it up either. Wait for him to be ready to deal with it, and make sure you are ready as well to deal with that discussion. Use your time now to prepare.
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