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age
41-50,
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writes: I am in a long distance relationship and I am not sure if I should continue or not. We live only 88 miles apart so it is possible to see esch other during weekends. The problem is He lives in a small town and I doubt if I can find work there if I moved as I have a professional career I am willing to move but I have to move to a big city or within driving distance from one. He is not willing to move because he has a house there and he feels that he will lose money selling this house and also he doesnt want to change jobs. I want to get married but he also doesnt want to marry with the fistsnce. I feel like he is being too rigid and if he was really in love with me he would make a plan. I suggested we start over in a new city but he said no the house thing. Should I just leavr the relationshipplease advice....by the way we have been dating for 8 months.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 January 2014):
 No one says he HAS to sell his house, he could rent it out til the house is paid off or if you two decide that maybe you can live well together and work in his home town. The fact that he only sees SELL HOUSE as the only option makes me think to that he isn't taking it that serious. If he was serious he would look at what opportunities there are, and what would be doable/practical.
I don't know is NEVER a useful answer. It's like when I ask my kids WHY didn't you do your homework and they pull a I don't know, well, I DON'T accept that as an answer. Even my KIDS know better then to try one of those.
I'm sorry, I think you are wasting your time.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2014):
 Oops, forgot to clarify - the bank may not let him sell because *he is underwater* in his mortgage, meaning he owes more than the home is worth now. Say in 2005, he bought the house at $200,000. His payments make him how owe $190k (they make you pay almost all interest at the start of the loan), but an appraiser and the property tax value the house at $145k. If he sells the house at that, he is still on the hook for $55k plus closing costs and other fees because he is underwater. Say the bank allows a short sale - he loses 10 years of equity only to find out that the next 10 years is good to house prices in his area. If he's underwater or close to it, it makes sense to not make that move.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2014):
I'm going to play a little bit of devil's advocate here, but the "he doesn't want to marry" when you do I consider a deal breaker even if the moving bit wasn't on the table.
If his goals were the same as you (i.e. marriage, family, etc), I can understand his hesitance at selling a house. In this market, and even this time of year, houses can lose thousands of dollars in equity. That's one reason I never go higher than a 15 year mortgage when I buy a house, and pay over and above to knock down the principle in order to pay it off before I get too old to feel proud that I did it.
If he bought that house before 2007-2008 and he sold today, he'd get really hosed on equity loss, which is heartbreaking for even the best and closest of relationships. So I can see his point in regards to the house...some people lost up to 40% of their equity in these timeframes, which on a $200,000 house means that to sell and move, he'd be torching $80,000 over an 8-month relationship. That would make me hesitate.
The bank may not even let him sell without significant penalty (or at all, if he has two mortgages or a home equity loan), so he may be hosed if he even tries, but may be too embarrassed to tell you that he's hosed. But even if he wasn't, man, $80,000 is a lot. And it's more if it's higher. He might be thinking that if you loved HIM, you wouldn't pressure him to take a bath in equity losses. If you've ever owned your own house, that's a big deal, equity. It's easier when the house has appreciated in value. That's like telling someone to sell their stock at a huge loss after the stock market tanks, or to cash in their 401(k) at a fraction of the cost, or to sell stock after the company has gone through bankruptcy reorganization.
So, while I think you shouldn't dismiss his house concerns, his marriage plans should give you pause. You're not going to get him to change his mind, so if you're set on marrying, he's not for you. Never be with a guy who says he'll never marry in hopes that he'll change his mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): Well your choice is easy OP. Give up your career/life and move to his town to set up home and marry him, or move on. That's the choice he's given you.
The whole house price thing is a cover. He'd surely make enough from the sale to cover starting a new life with you but he's decided he doesn't want that.
He wants to stay right where he is and there's nothing wrong with that but if that's not what you want then you and he have no future.
So again the choice you have is slot yourself into his life, his way or walk away.
I honestly think the risk is not worth taking. It's just too much of a sacrifice when you don't even know if you'd work living together, especially when you'd have given up so much and may end up being housebound with no job or a crappy job in a small town pretty far from anywhere. That's a fertile breeding ground for resentment and conflict if you ask me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): Judging from your post, you've already weighed your pros and cons. I don't see any reason why you're still hanging on to this relationship, personally.
He's not that into you.
He isn't willing to change his life, or sacrifice anything; not even meet you halfway.
Then it's time you make a decision. You have a career in full-swing. You really don't need to uproot your life; with so much certainty that making such a move will be worth it. You're looking for marriage? Well, I guess he has given you your answer there.
Break it off, dump him. Find yourself a local guy who's looking for a lady he can visit; and enjoy an up-close and comfortable relationship with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey honeypie no he doesnt give any alternatives at all to him there is no other option but me living there...it bothers me alot and I ask him all the time how it is going to work out and he always says I dont know as if thats an answer I fear that he is not even considering alternatives
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 January 2014):
To me it seems like you have come to an impasse. And not an easy one at all. Seems to me, (I could be wrong) that he expects YOU to be the one who gives up everything.
He doesn't want to move nor change jobs, which leave ONE option, THAT YOU do all the "giving" up, even if that means you will not be able to get a job, and then how long til he decides that HE isn't willing to PAY for everything?
Then there is the marriage thing. You are looking to find a man who you eventually will want to marry. He doesn't WANT marriage either.
So you have to decide are these deal breakers or not?
Personally for me, I would end it, it's been 8 months and he is this rigid, that won't change. Why waste more time on a guy you really don't seem to have a future with. At least not the kind of future YOU want.
Has he come up with ANY alternatives? At all?
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