A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Apologies for the essay - I can promise it's an interesting story - but this guy is just being a total nuisance. I'm in my third year at university. Way back during first year in halls, I really fancied one of my hallmates. I didn't know him very well - we didn't hang out in the same friend groups - but I used to find him really attractive and he could be quite nice (and often flirty in a jokey kind of way) whenever we did talk. He also seemed like a bit of a player, though - he was once really touchy-feely with one of my close friends in front of me and used to ask my other female friends (in my earshot) which celebrities they found "fit" and had "girl crushes" on. One of my other friends told me he didn't get on with his ex, because he'd told her he was jealous of one of her male friends who was dating a model.He seemed a bit hot and cold, and TBH sometimes very insensitive, but I asked him to stay in contact over the summer holidays and he agreed in a flirty kind of way (winking at me and patting me on the waist) but then when I sent him a message during the summer he gave a really brief response so I forgot about him till I saw him again in second year. In second year, because we all moved into houses and it wasn't so easy to keep in contact with everyone I only saw him every couple of weeks on a night out or something, and didn't always speak to him. Again, he was hot and cold but flirty some of the time - he'd keep staring at me and then glance away whenever I saw him, or come up to me for no reason (considering we weren't particularly close) and put his arm around my waist and chat for a bit and then walk off to talk to his friends. Even my friends were like "maybe he does fancy you?" I found his behaviour really confusing.One of my friends had a house party at the end of second year, and I was one of the last to leave as it was the last time I'd see a lot of people again before the summer. I was getting a drink in the kitchen where he and a few other guys were, and he suddenly started going on about this girl in the room next to us, like "Is that the blonde girl I got off with in first year?" and him and the other guys started joking about it. I was kind of upset so left the room, but TBH I still had feelings for him so ended up telling him I liked him later. He said that he'd gathered that but he was seeing a girl at home, and then I obviously apologised because I hadn't known and he said it was fine.I had an amazing summer and third year - I got a lot more involved in uni stuff, became, for lack of a better term, more "popular", got over him really quickly and didn't want to think about him again, so deleted him off Facebook. I've only seen him a few times this year, and every time I have I've tried to ignore him, partly because stuff might still be awkward between us and partly because I thought it was kind of mean of him to flirt with me when he knew he had someone back home, though obviously I didn't expect him to not turn me down when he had a girlfriend. I don't want anything to do with him any more, but every time I've seen him he's seemed a bit too keen. A mutual friend had a birthday party last term, and we were both there; I tried to stay away from him and not talk to him, but he kept staring and smiling at me, though I just avoided eye contact. I walked past him in the Students' Union bar a few weeks ago (I was on my own and going to meet a group of friends) dressed up for a night out and passed him sitting with his mates - I didn't even notice him till he smiled at me, but I ignored him and walked on by, though I noticed him looking at me for ages out of the corner of my eye.I was on a night out with some friends last night when I bumped into one of his housemates (whom I get on quite well with) and obviously said hi and caught up. I noticed the housemate with him in the club later, but didn't go and say hello to him as per usual. At the end of the night, however, me and my friends were in the middle of the dance floor and I noticed this guy staring at me from where he and his mates were (which was about 20 metres away). I tried to ignore him as much as I could but it was really obvious and went on for about 15 minutes, and the couple of times when he spotted me noticing him doing it he jumped and looked away quickly. He wasn't even facing in my direction, just looking that way. It was really, really annoying as I was trying to enjoy my night and have fun with my friends and dance and stuff, but I felt self-conscious because this guy couldn't keep his eyes off me. I was smiling and joking around with a friend for a bit, and then looked up to check he wasn't staring at me again, and noticed him looking straight at me with a smirk on his face, upon which he immediately turned away and pretended to be doing something else. When we left the club a bit later, we all stood around waiting for taxis, and again I noticed him and his friends standing close by and he kept looking at me and trying to catch my eye. He walked straight past me as he was going home but I didn't acknowledge him, and then I noticed him glancing back at me over his shoulder and smiling.I know he's probably just being nice but he used to be quite a "player" and I don't think this has changed, and I find it quite irritating that he's bothering me so much when I clearly don't want to be friends - I found the way he acted quite disrespectful, considering he had a girlfriend. I've really grown up since first year, too, and the person I am now doesn't want to be friends with a guy like this. Apparently he's graduating this year but is probably doing a Masters next year, so I'll have to see him around uni some more. How should I deal with him and get him to just leave me alone to move on with my life? Loads of our mutual friends are returning from years abroad next year too, so I'll have to see him around a lot at parties and stuff. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far - advice on how to shoo him off? :)
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crush, facebook, flirt, his ex, jealous, move on, moved in, player, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (9 June 2013):
 The less emotional you react when you tell him, the less he can complain about. Just make sure you look him right in the eye and be very serious. Tell him that you're not interested but don't elaborate. The shorter and more serious your interaction, the less he can over-exaggerate to his friends if he has to lick his wounded ego about your rejection.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I noticed him staring at me all the time at the party out of the corner of my eye, even though I was doing my best to avoid him though couldn't because we were all in one room. It's not hard to tell when someone keeps on looking at you, and that really annoys me so I can only ignore him to a certain extent. I've tried glaring at him but he keeps looking at me anyway.
Shrodingerscat, I'll try talking to him if he tries it on again, thanks - how do I speak to him without giving him anything to complain to mutual friends about, though? We have quite a few, or I'd have told him to get lost long ago. :/
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 June 2013):
He sounds like he's a real piece of work. I never understood guys like that, it's like they're perpetually frat-brained, and they think that their d-bag behavior is cool and edgy when emotionally mature women look at them with disdain and disgust over their Pick Up Artist behavior. I don't blame you one bit for being completely over him. The best way you can get rid of him quickly and permanently is to tell him very calmly, the next time he tries to flirt with you...that you're not interested in him anymore and you'd like it if he'd leave you alone. Just like that. No explanation, no dramatics. Be mature, rational and quiet about it. If you show any sort of emotion about it, his wounded ego will try and play it off like you're some sort of psycho. Trust me, I've been there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): First of all, he sounds like a complete idiot. Forget him, but don't bother to actively avoid him or anything, there's no point.To be honest, I don't think there's anything that needs to be done. I think its a bit unfair to say he's pestering you, when all you've said he's done is look and smile at you on more than one occasion.You say you noticed he kept on staring at you... So you were looking at him to see this? How could you even notice in a club? He probably was looking at you, but every time you looked back, he was thinking 'Yeah she's still into me' and feeling good about himself.I don't think 'he's seemed a bit too keen'. If he was keen he would talk to you and try it on, not just look at you and smile. I don't think he is bothering you and I don't think he wants to be friends. He likes seeing you around for an ego boost. Talking about another girl in the kitchen at the party was basically him trying to make it clear that he wasn't in to you.If you see him around, be pleasant and act like you're completely unfazed and uninterested in him to put him in his place a bit, but otherwise, forget him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks - unfortunately I'm doing a four-year course, and I believe he's staying on to do a Masters, so I do have to see him again next year :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): Just tell him he had his chance and you no longer find him attractive, you no longer find him interesting and quite frankly now find him quite boring and would like him to go forth an multiply. Keep telling him this until he gets the message. Because you don't see him so often it shouldn't be too big a problem and unless you are in a Scottish University you'll be leaving in a couple of weeks anyway. Be grateful for the lucky escape you've had as he seems to be a complete tosser
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