A
female
age
30-35,
*autrec
writes:I have a history with my current boyfriend. We went to high school together and we were friends because we wanted to date each other, but I had a long-distance boyfriend at the time (I left him behind when I moved from California to DC) and he was dating my worst enemy. By the end of the year, neither of our relationships worked out and we began to date each other like we always wanted to. I really love him... I get a feeling with him that I've never felt before. It's the type of feeling where I sincerely tell him that I love him just because I want him to know, not necessarily because I want him to say it back, but it makes me so happy when he responds. It's a very selfless love and we were very happy together when we first dated. But then the time came that I had to move away to college. We tried to maintain a LDR, but he ended up breaking up with me because he couldn't handle it, which I get.... But it was very hard for me to get through.A year passed and we stupidly agreed to sleep together and he admitted afterwards that he was still in love with me. I thought we would get back together, but he stopped talking to me because he still didn't like the distance and he didn't want to lead me on.Another year passed and we started talking again. I did my best to try and get over him, but I resigned to the fact that I never really would. He contacted me, told me that he started thinking about me a lot, worried about me, and actually couldn't start a relationship or have sex with other girls because it upset him that he couldn't fall in love with them. He then told me that he wanted to get back together. I automatically asked him why and what made that time different from any other time. He told me that he feels like he's in a more emotionally stable state, he can handle the separation, and he figured out that even after two years of being apart, he still loved me. He told me that he knows I've been having a tough life recently and he just wants to be there for me in any way that he can. I visited him four days later and we sealed the deal. It sounded to me like he had grown up since I last talked to him and I was feeling confident that we could make it work, especially since we're now less emotionally dependent upon one another.It's been two months so far and I think that the "honeymoon phase" is wearing off. At first, we texted all day everyday, then it diminished a bit, which I expected. Then, four weeks ago, I got my tonsils removed and was in a Percocet coma for a week and a half, so not much texting happened. I started texting him more again, but he stopped responding. I asked him about this and he told me that he stopped responding because he would get my message, leave his phone, and then forget to respond. Then shortly afterwards, I texted him because I was worried about him getting caught in Hurricane Sandy (he lives in Philadelphia) and we texted back and forth as he reassured me that he was fine and went back home to be with his parents during the storm.Last week, we had a mini-argument about art, but nothing serious. The next day, he texted me what his plans for the weekend were and I asked him if he had gone back to school. That's all I've heard from him since. I attempted to say hi again the next day, but he didn't respond. It's been a little over a week since I've heard from him, which is the longest we've gone without communicating since we got back together. When I was concerned about the lack of communication before, he assured me that everything was fine and if he had a problem with the distance again, he'd let me know, but he insisted it isn't a problem with him anymore. I do know for a fact that he hates the phone, but he did call me to thank me for a care package that I sent him a few weeks ago.I really don't want to come off as psycho by sending him a bunch of texts and messages on Facebook, but I have things to talk to him about (like visiting him soon) and there are times that I really need him (I'm facing a massive amount of abuse right now and just want someone to talk to sometimes). I get worried that he's just not into it, but each time I assume that, he proves me wrong. It's possible that he's just been busy and hasn't had the time to talk and that he doesn't communicate with me because he doesn't like the phone, but I can't help but wonder if he's having reservations about this. There never was anything inherently wrong in our relationship, distance had just been the only problem in the past. I've also been thinking of possibly moving back out east because I don't have any real obligations in California, I need to escape my abuse, and it's important to me to close the distance since I actually do want to marry him one day. But I just don't know how he feels about that and I'm worried that if he thought I was considering moving just for him (he is a factor, but not THE factor), he'd think I'm crazy or something. But then I remember that even after two years, our feelings for one another have not changed. I'm not entirely sure how to approach this. Is it possible that he really does care as much as he says he does, but just doesn't feel the same about communication that I do? Or am I really just so much on the back burner that he doesn't think that talking to me is important? Or... Am I just not as important to him as he is to me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): "Is it possible that he really does care as much as he says he does, but just doesn't feel the same about communication that I do?"
No. If he really cared for you as much as he SAYS he does, then he'd really care for you.
"Or am I really just so much on the back burner that he doesn't think that talking to me is important?"
No. You're really just so much on the back burner that he doesn't think YOU are important.
"Or... Am I just not as important to him as he is to me?'
No. You are not important to him at all.
Sorry, but I don't know how more many anvils have to fall on your head before you catch on to the obvious. You're an easy lay when he's around because all he has to do to get you into bed is "tell you he loves you," but otherwise you're not worth the effort of sustained pretending.
I respectfully suggest you seek counselling so you can understand the subconscious forces that are driving and motivating your behavior, resulting in a pattern of repeated dysfunctional relationships.
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