A
female
age
36-40,
*eeds help
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have a baby together...My problem is that I am a very sexual person and likes to have sex quite often. I know that he likes to too or at least I think so but we pretty much have a none existent sex like, once a month maybe and even then I kind of find it boring always the same thing. How do I tell him that I want more sex and I want to change it up a little??? Our relationship is very different then others.. We don't talk much and when we do it usually ends up in a fight. We have broken up a few times but I love him and He told me that he loves me. Does he?? is he interested in me sexually??? I just had our baby one month ago and my body isn't that great. Does he like it??? this is the way it has been for a long time. How do I get him to talk to me more and be more romantic. He onlt kisses me during sex and I would like to be kissed all the time. Please help me!!!!! what should I do???
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female
reader, cd206  +, writes (5 February 2007):
 You're having a hard time right now! Not only are you totally healed after the childbirth experience but you're both exhausted from looking after a newborn. Lots of couples sex lives suffer at this time because you just have too much going on. I guess you just need to slowly spice up your sex life again. Maybe you could wake him up with a blow job. Guys really like that. It's just a case of finding energy to do stuff but don't beat yourself up about it. Loads of couples have this problem after having a baby. I'm sure time will right the problem.
CD
A
female
reader, JulietteElise  +, writes (5 February 2007):
 You need to tell him, hun. You said that when you both talk about things it often ends up in a fight, so perhaps you need to approach it diffrently? If you find yourself saying things like "you never..." "you don't..." "why can't you..." and so forth, then of course he will then be on the deffinsive because he's feeling like he's being attacked. Communication is extremly important in realationships, esspcially in regard to sex (try... "hey! why don't we try me on top? or...." whatever you want to try). It sounds like your relationship could use a bit of work though, esspically if you both want to be parents to your new babey. I would suggest going to a relationship counslor, and in this setting you can mention things that would make you feel better (compliments now and then, kisses, etc), and he can say his, and the counslor will help you both together learn how to better communicate with eachother and make your relationship stronger. This is a very hard time for you since you just had a child, and the counslor can help you both learn how to deal with that stress as well. I don't know how he will feel about the idea, but if he really does love you like he says he does he will want to make the relationship better and thus be willing (even if grudgeingly) agree to go. if he dosun't agree, it will still be usefull for you to go to a relationship counslor (or regualr theripist) to work on all of the stress, worries, and issues going on in your life.
as for the sex.... it is true that people can have very diffrent sex drives, and i deff. understand your pain because i am also an extremly sexual person with someone whose drive is lower. There can be many reasons for his lower sex drive, one of them being that if you guys are always fighting he just dousnt feel romantic or sexual. Has he always had a very low sex drive, or is this something a bit more recent? There can be mannnny reasons for a man to not want to have sex, and it is true that some men are born with a very low, allmost non-existant sex drive. I do belive there are pills and other such things that can make a man feel more sexual (some herbal, some hormonal), but it is best to have him go to a dr. for this, as well as to make sure this is no other medical condiction that might be causeing the problem. However, this can be a very embaresing thing for a man. Also, which was the reason for one of my b/fs lack of sexuality, is that he is a pre-mature ejaculater and thus wanted to avoid disapointing the other by avoideing sex. There are many ways premature ejaculation can be overcome, from an eraction ring to condoms, to lubes and condoms that desensitive, to learning to control certian muscles that will make him more aware when he is close so he can stop untill he is ready again. This also will take patience and kindness, for it is anouther very touchy subject. Extending forplay, or him pleasing just you are a few other ways of makeing pre-mature ejeculation more tolertable. you didn't mention how old you both were, but he may just be at that time in his life when it is hard for him to... well... stay/be hard. Luckily, there is also medication that can help with this, but once again, a visit to a dr. should be done. Anouther reason that may seem silly but could be very true, is that he can't "perform under pressure," so if you actually do mention sex or sexuality he might be feeling stressed, pressured, nervous, or even perhaps unloved. He may be very shy and feel guilty for not haveing better sex skills so feels useless, or maybe you have told him you want more out of sex often enough that it has hurt his pride and he decided to give up trying. Perhaphs he may just be worn out, perhaps even depressed, from working hard at work. These, of course, are all just theories for only you and him together can really know what the cause is, and together, if you both are willing, work on things. If he had a normal sexual drive earlyer in your relationship, perhaps its a simple as "spiceing" things up now, lingerie, romantic evenings, whatever would be new, or whatever you know turns him on the most. Just remember.... though you have full right to be frustrated with him and complaine and maybe even beg and cry or yell... none of these things will make him want to be sexual, and could even make him want to retreat more. It is painfull.... as a very sexual person who was with someone who also had almost no sex drive.... it makes one feel as if they are unloved, and unwanted. try cuddleing (even if it feels childish, it is very healing), and if you both can try makeing out (which you mentioned you wanted more of, so go in for thekisses yourself!) without doing anything more (so some thrill is back in the relationship, but no stress towards ahveing to have sex), and masterbateing with or without his help. I hope very much you both could talk calmly and openly about this all and really get down to what is causeing his low drive, and what can be done about it. (if he naturaly has a very low drive... well... it should be up to him weither he wants to take meds to make his higher... otherwise he'll feel resentment for being forced, or like hes not good enough). Ask him what his bigest fantasys are, and try them. Sex is about him too. However, seeing a marriage counslur, sex counslor, or even just a theripist on your own can help a lot as said....
good luck hun... and don't be afraid to ask him (calmly and without seeming like you are accuseing him of anything)anything at all, or to tell him your own needs. Everyone wants to feel loved, so mention what you want.
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