A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I'll be quick and tell my "problem"... I have been with my boyfriend for about four months now and everything is good but one thing. I can't bring myself to do anything sexual with him besides making out. I want to soo bad, and I think about it all the time, but when I get the chance to, I just suddenly freeze and become real shy. I dont know why I get this way since I want it so bad. I am still a virgin, and its like this with every guy I have dated before- I just cant bring myself to do it (literally!). But this guy is special, I am madly in love, and I know he loves me back, but my question is WHY do I get like this? Even if its oral, which I want to see what it is like to give, I just can't do it when the chance comes. I want to change so we can experience stuff together and move forward with our relationship. He is beginning to think that HE is the reason I won't do anything. Please give me some thoughts on why I am like this or what I can do to help this "problem"Thank you xoxoxo
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Hey again,
I completely understand where you are coming from!
My man was 28 when we started hooking up and I was only 20. He wasn't my first, but him being so much older I had this complex that I just wouldn't be good enough and that he would be comparing me with his past.
I honestly don't remember exactly how our first time happened, but i do remember that i just had to let all my inhibitions go on the wind and trust him that he wouldn't be comparing me. If this guy really loves you then he won't do this!
Please trust him and trust in love that he won't compare you.
When you guys are about to 'do it' or are fooling around and you get those apprenhensive feelings back, stop yourself right there and say to yourself (inside your head of course) I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH TO SATISFY MY MAN , keep saying things like that over and over if you find it helps.
Honestly babe, once you get past the first time with him, you can learn what feels good for the both of you and chances are he'll tell you you're the best he's ever had! That's always a great confidence booster :o)
Keep the positive thoughts going okay! xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello I was the one who wrote this question, I just wanted to say thanks to those who answered. To answer your question and maybe get more help, I am 19 (almost 20), he is 26. He does have more experience than me, and I feel like that does put me off that is probably the biggest concern, that he will compare me or i just won't measure up
thanks
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 May 2006):
 Four months isn't that long a time, particularly when you've never done anything sexual before. Give yourself a break.
You haven't said in your letter how old either of you is, so I'm not sure if your anxiety is because you're really young, or older but have built sex into something monumentally frightening while you've put it off. Your state of mind could also be affected if your BF is older or more experienced than you.
As "hannieseds" has suggested, the trick is to take things slow and only do what you're comfortable with. You don't need to dive in with an Oral-Sex-or-Bust attitude; you're allowed to take things in steps, you know!
Are you sure that you're not feeling a little bit pressured by the situation? Simply because you've been dating for X-number of weeks/months/whatever doesn't automatically mean you have to progress to sex, so don't kid yourself that you're obligated. If you don't feel ready, you're not ready. Simple as that.
You do need to talk to your boyfriend about this though, and be sure that he understands that you're just scared, not unattracted to him. Once he's apprised of what's going on in your mind, he'll surely be more sensitive to your mood and more careful not to push things. As well as that, you'll then be in a position to tell him what's good to touch, and what you're not ready for.
When you feel a bit more confident, just let your hand slide a bit "south". Your boyfriend will almost certainly be into that, and give you plenty of chance to touch him and find out what he likes. From there, it's only a small step to giving his penis a little kiss at the tip, for example. And from there... well, little steps, OK?
Only do what feels comfortable, but by the same token, don't let that turn into a big "tease" for your BF. You really need to discuss the way you feel, so that he understands what's going on and what *might* go on, when you feel ready.
Good luck.
Talk!
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A
female
reader, hannieseds +, writes (23 May 2006):
Hi there,
The first time for anything, especially sexual, can be very daunting. So it's completely understandable that you are apprehensive about trying these new things for the first time.
Are you worried that you won't do something right? There are no right and wrong ways to 'perform' acts of oral pleasure and sex. You just have to experiement to find out which ways feel right for you.
Have you talked to the man you love about your apprehensiveness? If you are open and honest with him and assure him that he is not the reason, then perhaps that will help you relax more. If you connect with him on this emotional level, maybe you will find that you can do the things you so want to do with him.
Try setting the mood too. Have you tried a bath together? I honestly think if you talk to him about what you're feeling, and he loves you, then he will be willing to take things slow. Start simple - making out then slowly let your hands explore each other. If that feels good and doesn't make you 'freeze' then move onto other things. Maybe let him start with pleasuring you - kissing your neck, kissing your breasts etc. Then see how you feel and take things from there.
I hope I have helped even a little bit! xxx
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